Frankenstein's Army (2013)

Directed by: Richard Raaphorst

Writers: Chris W. Mitchell, Miguel Tejada-Flores, Richard Raaphorst (original idea)

At first I was very skeptical about this movie - at least 95% of found footage films are pure crap. This lasted until the first monster appeared, when I thought "Hey, actually this doesn't look so bad!". After that came a "Wow!" and then another one and another one and this lasted to the very end.

 

The story follows a group of Russian soldiers, who face some really horrifying Nazi monsters in Eastern Germany towards the end of the second world war. The ever decreasing group of (anti)heroes stumbles upon a secret Nazi lab, where they find the explanation for the monsters' existence. Of course, one of the soldiers carries a camera and records everything.

 

As usual, the film gains nothing from being made in found footage style. The atmosphere is not improved one bit, while at the same time it imposes severe limitations on the narrative. Found footage films generally suffer from the "let's film everything even though we're dying left and right" and this one is no exception. The excuses the characters make to keep filming get progressively stupid. At the same time, it appears that monsters never attempt to attack the person holding the camera.

 

I also didn't like the portrayal of the soldiers. The film seems almost decidedly anti-Russian, so there are no sympathetic characters here. Everyone's either a murderer or simply insane or generally doesn't give a damn about anything. The identification with the protagonists is absolutely essential for this type of film, and yet they fail over and over again. Given this fact, some plot twists that follow (related to the identity and secret plans of some of the group members) have minimal to no impact. It's also interesting that none of the group members are played by actual Russians, so you can imagine what their accents sound like.

 

Having said all this, the movie simply wipes out all this weak points with its complete and utter coolness. You simply won't believe what kind of screwed-up creatures you're about to see here. I won't even attempt to describe them, my English is not good enough, though I suspect much better writers than me would have problems with that. The picture on the poster gives you some idea. Then, there's almost no CGI here, everything is done with the good old make-up effects. All those insane monsters, streams of blood flowing around, piled-up dead bodies, dirty old secret labs, mutilations, it's all real (so to speak). With all its drawbacks regarding the story and screenplay, visually this is a stunning work and deserves to be seen on a screen as big as possible. Thumbs up!

Hell Baby (2013)

Directed by: Robert Ben Garant, Thomas Lennon

Writers: Robert Ben Garant, Thomas Lennon

Hell Baby may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I quite liked it. There's something about this absurd Dude, Where's My Car-type of humor that I find appealing. Of course, it's not as funny as, say, There's Something About Mary (or any part of Austin Powers), but it keeps a smile on your face (if you're the right audience) and, while it gets a bit nasty in one or two places, it never crosses the border of vulgar, for which I'm immensely grateful.

 

The story follows Jack and Vanessa, an expectant couple, that move into a house which happens to be haunted. What's worse, it turns out that what Vanessa is carrying is actually the spawn of Satan himself. Enter a whole bunch of silly characters and the fun begins. The plot isn't very important and there are no witty Tarantino-style dialogues or magnificent visual gags - the movie gets its humor solely from the silliness of the characters and their interactions. And it works!

 

For example, we know that the key to comedy is surprise. Not only the surprise of the viewer, but also of the characters in the movie. Rob Corddry, who plays the lead role, absolutely rules in this. I'm not familiar with his other work, but here he simply nailed it. Most of the film's funniness comes from him being surprised or uncomfortable in various bizarre situations, for example when his wife chases away a particularly scary dog by speaking in a demonic voice, or when he finds his wife's sister naked in the shower, or when he gets repeatedly electrocuted by the same lamp, or when an irritatingly friendly neighbor keeps popping up in their house... All of these are scenes that might work or fail miserably, solely depending on the comedic timing of the people in it, and his performance was perfect. The other characters were also interesting and played perfectly, especially the two idiot cops that keep harassing Jack for some reason.

 

The humor, as I mentioned before, is intentionally brute force and may not work for everyone. The writers (who also happen to play the priests) think that lines are "It is our duty to legally enforce that hug", "By the way, you have a very nice penis, Jack" and "Doctor, you can very clearly see the outline of your penis in those shorts" are tremendously funny, and for me they were - exactly because they are so "self-aware" and forced. By the way, I hasten to add, not all jokes in this movie are penis related.

 

So, proceed with caution - if you're a fan of silly comedies like those mentioned in the first paragraph, chances are you will like this one. Otherwise, stay the hell (baby) away.

 

 

 

Doghouse (2009)

Directed by: Jake West

Writer: Dan Schaffer

Danny Dyer, Noel Clarke and the rest of the team go to a remote village to have fun and drink their asses off, only to find the place almost completely deserted. Almost is the key word here, as they'll soon discover that while all the men are dead, the women are still there, albeit transformed into some kind of bloodthirsty zombie-like creatures.

 

Don't have to say much about this one, really. Despite the great cast and a very promising premise, the screenplay is seriously lacking in humor and memorable moments. One would expect a lot more politically incorrect jokes and crazy situations (like in Feast series). As it is, this one plays it rather safe from the beginning to the end, which makes for a pleasant watch (especially with a right group of male friends), but it's hardly awe-inspiring or memorable.

Jug Face (2013)

Directed by: Chad Crawford Kinkle

Writer: Chad Crawford Kinkle

 

Here's a nice little movie that brings a breath of fresh air, both with its story and the execution, both of which are miles beyond what we usually see today, at least when low-budget horror films are concerned.

 

Jug Face takes place in a deranged redneck community that worships something called The Pit - which is actually a pit (!). Generally, every now and then the Pit wants the blood of some specific community member, who is then promptly slaughtered above it. The identity of the future victim is revealed by the Pit to the local potter (in a dream or something), who then makes a jug with said person's face. Then the face is revealed to the public and the joyful slaughter ritual may begin. The lead heroine is a young girl who for some reason isn't terribly happy about being slaughtered, so she steals the jug with her face and hides it. Naturally, the Pit isn't exactly delighted with this turn of events and chaos ensues.

 

The most important thing is that this film actually looks quite good. The interesting backwoods locations are well utilized by people who actually know how to frame a shot and handle a camera, so we actually have a bit of that good old 1980s B-movie feeling that's sadly absent from most of today's low budget films because they are all unwatchable crap made with cheap crappy equipment by talentless losers. The story also packs a few punches. The very first scene has the lead character being screwed by her own brother. As the time passes and we learn more and more about the Pit, we also get a better understanding of the rather sick nature of the relationships in the community. Except for the heroine, who is actually half-sane, there's hardly a normal person here. However, all this weirdness never turns into shock for the sake of shock - throughout the entire film I always had a feeling that the writer/director respects the audience and wants just to tell them a story and not torture them.

 

Unfortunately, towards the end the film does lose some of its impact and it appears as if the director didn't have a clear idea of how to finish the story. There are also some cheesy apparitions I could live without. But generally, I liked the story and how the Pit was a real evil entity that demanded sacrifice and not just some fantasy made up by the insane villagers (they are insane, but for other reasons). One of the producers was Lucky McKee, who probably liked that weird backwoods feeling of the movie. All in all, this is a refreshing little film that's well worth a watch.

V/H/S 2 (2013)

Directed by: See below

Writers:  See below

 

The first V/H/S movie was pretty much a disappointment, at least given the names of some of the people involved. However, due to its anthological nature, it never got really boring, so I can't say watching it was a waste of time. Something similar goes for the sequel, but the quality of the stories varies much more here. Since there are only four stories (compared to 26 in The ABCs of Death), we'll look into each one of them briefly:

TAPE 49
(Written and directed by Simon Barrett)

The one that connects them all. Some people get into some house (which might or might not be the one from the first V/H/S, I don't remember), find some tapes and watch them. At the same time, we are made aware that something sinister is happening in the house, leading to a "shocking" twist at the end. Boring.

PHASE I CLINICAL TRIALS
(Directed by Adam Wingard, written by Simon Barrett)

A filthy rich guy (played by Adam Wingard himself) gets a supercool fancy eye-camera implant, which unfortunately makes him see dead people (Haley Joel Osment, eat your heart out). He spends most of the time running around completely terrified after a huge number of jump scares, which creates some pretty funny moments. Then he's visited by a girl who hears dead people. And then bad stuff happens. This one is told completely in the first person POV, has some nice humor in it, so I guess I'd call it not bad.

A RIDE IN THE PARK
(Directed by Eduardo Sanchez and Gregg Hale, written by Jamie Nash)

A guy goes for a nice bike ride in the park, only to fall victim to some zombies. He then wakes up as a zombie, forms a zombie party with some other guys and together they crash some child's birthday party. This one is also rather funny at times and it's interesting to see the events from a perspective of a zombie (the lead character has a camera on his helmet), however it drags in places and the birthday party chaos is not nearly as effective as it could have been.

SAFE HAVEN
(Written and directed by Timo Tjahjanto and Gareth Huw Evans, story by Timo Tjahjanto)

By far the best story in the movie is also one of the most insane things I've seen in a long time. A film crew somewhere in Indonesia is making a documentary about a mysterious end-of-the-world sect, led by some obviously insane bastard. First they interview that insane bastard in a café or something, where he gives them a piece of his philosophy and then they persuade him to let them visit the place where his followers abide. Big mistake! After a somewhat slow intro, this quickly turns into a bloodbath of epic proportions, where randomly crazy stuff happens every few seconds. None of it makes much sense, but I guess the directors weren't exactly concerned about that - they wanted to give us a hilarious thrill ride, and boy did they succeed! This story was co-directed by Gareth Huw Evans, the director of the mightily successful Raid, and I'm so glad he gave a shot at directing a horror. Let's hope he does a full feature one after Raid 2.

SLUMBER PARTY ALIEN ABDUCTION
(Directed by Jason Eisener, written by Jason Eisener and John Davies)

Some kids are playing pranks on each other and then they are attacked by aliens and everything goes to Hell. The stupidest and most boring story of them all, it consists solely of irritating kids screaming "Oh my God, did you see that, what is that, we're gonna die, woe are us!!!!!" and pointlessly running around trying to escape some equally boring aliens. I don't know why in the heck did they put this one at the end, to ruin the entire impression. Jason Eisener had previously made a great little short called Treevenge, which had a terrific idea and execution, which makes the complete lack of imagination in this one even more surprising. 

In 3 Tagen bist du tot 2 (2009)

Directed by: Andreas Prochaska

Writers: Agnes Pluch, Andreas Prochaska

In 3 Tagen bist du tot was a completely generic Austrian slasher without a single trace of innovation over the already infinitely repeated formula. I was pretty confused when I heard about the sequel, wondering what could they possibly do to make it even less original than the first film (since, as we know, that's what sequels are for). For better or for worse, Andreas Prochaska decided to make a completely different film. While the first part was about a bunch of teenagers getting offed one by one by a mysterious killer, this one puts one single character in a situation heavily inspired by The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and similar films.

 

It's one year after the events of the first film and Nina, the heroine, tries to put the traumatic death of all her friends behind and lead a normal life. However, she receives a mysterious call for help from Mona (the only other survivor, it's the one that impaled herself in the first film, unfortunately without success). She promptly returns to her hometown and finds that Mona and her father have left home, which is now inhabited by some Chinese people. Continuing with her quest, Nina will find herself in an isolated hotel run by a family of weirdos and will have to use all her skills to survive.

 

The first part of the film plays like a pretty nice mystery, with director Andreas Prochaska taking things slowly and using the wonderful Austrian winter landscape to create some memorable shots and accentuate the lead character's isolation and crap like that. However, while this is by no means bad, whoever watched the first film will want to see some killings and it takes almost 70 minutes for the first person to bite the dust. Also, even outside of the subjective perspective of a bloodthirsty slasher fan, the first hour definitely contains some overlong scenes which serve no purpose.

 

Fortunately, things get better. Immediately after the breaking of the ice, people start dying left and right and killings are really gruesome and at times very explicit (shows that Prochaska has learned quite a few things between the two films). Heads are beaten to a pulp, eyes are gouged out and don't even get me started about male reproductive organs (!). Alas, the fun part ends all too soon.

 

While by no means a masterpiece, this is a satisfying movie which even made me think it would be cool if Andreas Prochaska made another horror. The things that lower the overall grade are the aforementioned first half, which is too slow, a scene of full frontal male nudity and a scene where Nina takes a hot bath - with her clothes on! Oh yeah, there's also this cop from the first part. He doesn't run over anyone here, but he's involved in the most unconvincing scene in the film - without getting into too much detail, his car is supposed to be stuck in the snow and it doesn't look bloody stuck at all.

Inara, the Jungle Girl (2012)

Directed by: Patrick Desmarattes

Writer: Patrick Desmarattes

This film opens with some idiot rambling incoherently on and on and on about something before some other guy mercifully shoots him down, and it all takes place in some kind of jungle. Then we have the opening credits where most of the names look as if taken straight from a porno movie. Cali Danger? Madison Kitten? Sam SEXTON? I mean what the hell? Basically, at this point you're probably already aware that you're in deep trouble, but if you still have some doubts (hopeless optimist, eh?), the following few minutes will effectively shoot them down.

 

First we have an emo song (played in entirety, like three or four minutes) which introduces our lead character Inara, who's the daughter of some soldier who died recently. During that crappy song she mourns him and at the same time brings a whole new meaning to the words "bad acting". Then she talks to her father's superior officer (I forgot what was his rank exactly) and that useless conversation is quickly followed by yet another "song" during which Inara gets wasted with alcohol and then gets in fight with some military assholes whom she easily beats because her father taught her how to fight and other cool stuff.

 

This is only the first 10-12 minutes. Long story short - she agrees to go on a mission to some remote island, hoping to find clues about her father's death. The purpose of the mission is to get some precious material from the jungle that's swarming with hostile natives. But lo and behold! - the plane crashes, Inara survives and is taken hostage by the natives, who happen to be an all-female tribe (!) Yippeeee! You won't believe what happens next - there's a female bonding, our heroine learns the badness of the ways of the white man, joins the female team, becomes their queen and they kick ass! Eat that, James Cameron!

 

Every single scene in this movie is a mini-torture in itself. The entire budget of approximately 12 dollars obviously went to the pockets of mega stars like Cali Danger and Madison Kitten, so there was nothing left for less important things like special effects, military uniforms, locations, things like that. I won't even go into the sheer beauty of the screenplay and those passionate dialogues that make your heart (and the content of your stomach) want to jump out. Or how our heroine bonded with the natives (it was something like this: "We hate you and we'll kill you... OK, we're bonded"). The fight scene at the end is the most unconvincing thing ever (it's less realistic than the scenes of total destruction from Roland Emmerich's 2012). Quite simply put - there's not a single thing in this movie that's not the worst ever.

 

The only way this could possibly have worked is if all females were naked all the time, which they aren't. The tribe members sport nice two part swimsuits that successfully bring pain and misery to any viewer. If you imagine the worst possible softcore film by Jim Wynorski or Fred Olen Ray and take out all the nudity, you'll end up with something that looks like Godfather when compared with this one. Patrick Desmarattes, I really have nothing against you, I know it's a wonderful thing to make a movie, but please don't make a career out of this.