Barely Legal (2011)

Directed by: Jose Montesinos

Writer: Naomi Selfman

 

 

As we all know, the quality of The Asylum “films” (if you can call them that) generally ranges from simply unwatchable to “I want to rip out my eyes and pierce my ears and jump into a pool full of piranhas” kind of unwatchable. If you’ve seen one, you know the amount of pain it brings. However, there are a few titles (I’ve counted three so far) that by sheer fluke aren’t that devastating for your mental health. Mind you, certainly not because they are less stupid than the others, hell no! The fact is that they have certain other… “qualities” (hehe) worth mentioning. So, to repeat, if you see that a movie is from The Asylum kitchen, you are to avoid at all costs, unless it’s one of those (so far) three we’re going to review here. Now we’ll cover Barely Legal, and the other two are Snakes on a Train and Invasion of the Pod People.

Barely Legal is a “comedy” that’s by no means less idiotic than other films by this company. It’s kind of an inverted American Pie story – we have three smoking hot girls, all turning 18 on the same day, on the mission of losing virginity during their birthday party. It turns out that’s not as easy as it sounds (!)

Our three heroines correspond to stereotypes established long ago – one is smart (or, rather, less stupid than the other two), the other is a slut (yep, I guess this is the first time that we have a movie with a virgin slut) and the third is kind of a religious freak. The only inversion is that the “smart” one is actually a blonde. It takes really high disbelief suspension powers to swallow the story of three best friends sharing birthday and living together in a huge mansion with a swimming pool and everything. No parents are mentioned here, so it’s unclear who pays for all that.

Much more disappointing is the fact that this movie never manages to reach the atmosphere of those party movies it tries to copy. From the beginning, we are being promised that the 18^th birthday party will be something spectacular, never seen before, blah blah blah, however, when it actually starts, we never have that impression. Occasionally we meet some characters wandering around, sometimes something happens, but at all times it’s painfully obvious that there wasn’t enough money to hire the required number of actors for this kind of thing.

As far as comedy goes, it’s completely unfunny from the first to the last second, but thankfully it also manages not to be terribly disgusting. One notable exception is a scene of oral sex with a dog. I could really live without that one.

It’s obvious that it’s a horrible movie that fails both as a comedy and… well, as a film, so question is – why would anyone watch this? The answer is simple – this movie contains a ridiculous amount of nudity, far, far beyond what its more famous competitors like American Pie are willing to show. Once the party starts, it’s not easy to find a scene where no one is naked. All three lead actresses repeatedly take their clothes off and a huge, huuuuuuge plus is that all three of them are natural from head to toe. So, I would certainly recommend you to watch this one and feast your eyes. To reduce the amount of stupidity to which you’re going to be subjected, you can mute the movie and play some music of your own preference. Double win!

Dracula di Dario Argento (2012)

Directed by: Dario Argento

Writers: Dario Argento, Antonio Tentori, Stefano Piani, Enrique Cerezo

 

 

The newest addition to the ever growing collection of adaptations of Dracula (which happens to be one of my favorite stories) comes from none other than Dario Argento, the great Italian master of horror (if you don’t believe me, check that he appears in the series Masters of Horror), whose last few movies haven’t exactly been met by great enthusiasm by the critics. In fact, most of them claim they were utter crap.

So, Argento decided to play it safe and to use the story that gives you at least a solid movie almost by default, unless you’re a total retard. He scooped up some five million dollars by selling his daughter’s nude photos on eBay and assembled an all-star cast including said daughter Asia as Lucy, Thomas Kretchmann as Dracula, Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing and bunch of other people I’ve never heard about. From the look of the movie, I’m guessing most of that money went to booze for Rutger Hauer. He sure looks drunk all the time, anyway.

The obvious budget constraints dictated some painful but necessary changes to the story – it all takes place in some forsaken craphole of a village called Pasburg or something. I don’t know where the hell is that supposed to be, it’s never explained. The characters’ names don’t help much, some of them (Miloš, Tanja, Zoran) sound like they came straight from Serbia, while the mayor's last name is Kislinger, which is probably German or Austrian. I guess Argento didn't care much about this, so I don't se why should we.

Anyway, as I said, it all takes place in that village, which is really boring and bad looking. There's no trace of Dracula's intention of going to London, because then they would have to reduce Rutger Hauer's vodka supplies and create something that at least resembles a big city, which was obviously out of the question. So the whole team – Harker, Mina and Van Helsing – move to this Pasburg, where they meet Dracula, Renfield and Lucy who already live there. Well, not exactly the whole team – budget constraints dictated that characters like Arthur Holmwood, Dr. Seward and Quincy Morris had to be written off.

The existing characters also suffered some changes. Lucy is now the mayor’s daughter, Renfield is a caretaker or something and likes to drive shovels through people’s heads and Harker is a simpleton who’s completely irrelevant to the story. At times he reminded me of Mozart’s wife from Amadeus for some reason. Basically it all boils down to the fact that Dracula has some kind of a deal with the rulers of the place that he can kill, but should not kill everyone, if at all possible. So one day he gets pissed off and kills everyone and then the local priest summons Van Helsing, who arrives straight from who knows where (it’s also never explained, I guess it wasn’t that important) and brings with him his vampire slaying equipment consisting of wooden stakes, crosses, bullets with garlic (bet you didn’t see that one coming!) and a truckload of finest Jack Daniel’s whisky.

His first task is to kill Lucy, who was in the meantime vampired by Dracula (at least they retained something from the book). After that, he goes for Dracula himself, after gathering from the priest the invaluable information concerning the fact that Dracula is eeeeeeeeeeviiiiiil did you hear me Van Helsing EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I won’t tell you how that ended, except for the fact that Mina manages to kill Dracula using Van Helsing’s pistol (while Dracula is busy repeatedly hitting Van Helsing’s liquor-hardened head) and thus releases herself from the control of that freak who wanted her to be the substitute for his late wife. That bastard, she was dead for like only two hundred years or something and he’s already trying to jump in bed with some bimbo from London (presumably, it’s also never explained where do Mina and Harker come from). Suits him fine!

Obviously, I wasn’t able to enjoy the 3D presentation of the film, so I can’t comment how that came out. For a Dracula movie, the photography is surprisingly bright (maybe exactly because of the 3D filming) and in combination with the set design (or lack thereof) at times reminds of a film by The Asylum. All the great scary scenes from the book are removed, but Argento has a few aces up his sleeve – there’s a sex scene in a haystack, Lucy is shown naked while being washed by Mina (unfortunately, she doesn’t return the favour, which is my biggest complaint to the movie), Dracula totally abuses his transformation powers so he turns into various things including a giant praying mantis (bet you didn’t see that one coming!), there’s plenty of gore (mostly courtesy of Dracula and his murderous rampage) which is done quite nicely and of course – there’s the fact that, probably for the first time in movie history, Van Helsing is played by a Dutch actor (!). For those who may be unaware, despite his suspiciously Jewish first name, Van Helsing is Dutch and Rutger Hauer does an amazing job of bringing this authenticity to the screen, with his blonde hair and stuff.

Overall, while this is movie is far from being a masterpiece like Nosferatu (by Murnau), Nosferatu (by Herzog) or Philip Saville’s TV version, it’s still a decent work that will keep you entertained for almost two hours. Too bad we didn’t get the scene of Mina and Lucy sharing a bath, that would at least five stars to the overall IMDb score.

Saturn 3 (1980)

Directed by: Stanley Donen

Writers: Martin Amis (screenplay), John Barry (story)

 

 

Nothing beats a good sci-fi movie! But if you have none handy, something like Saturn 3 will do. This is a movie about love, isolation, conflicts of different cultures and a giant homicidal self-aware robot who wants to have sex with a woman. Well, at least he’s not gay.

I missed quite a bit of the beginning of the film, because I was telling my girlfriend about John Carpenter’s Dark Star, but here’s the gist of it: Some guy (supposedly a spaceship captain or something) is preparing to go somewhere, but some other guy kills him and takes his place. It turns out that this guy is Harvey Keitel and he visits Farrah Fawcett and Kirk Douglas, who live alone in a solitary base near some planet. Since it has a ring, and the movie is called Saturn 3, I’m guessing it’s supposed to be Saturn, though in all honesty I have to say it’s probably the fakest looking Saturn I’ve ever seen.

 

It also appears that the Earth is horribly devastated by something (again) and that it relies on off-world colonies or some other thing to produce food and other stuff for them. Douglas and Fawcett are apparently running one of those places. Alone, of course.

So, Harvey Keitel brings with him an object that looks like a trash bin, but it actually contains a huge artificial brain, which he uses to construct a menacingly looking large robot. Due to the advanced technology, the robot is able to pick information directly from his brain. This is done with some implants that Keitel puts in his head (remember, this was before they invented Bluetooth).

 

Alas, along with some undeniably useful knowledge (like how to play chess, for instance), the menacingly looking robot also inherits Keitel’s desire for Farrah Fawcett. As we all know from our biology classes, if there’s only one female and multiple males, they will proceed to fight for her. Of course, she’s in love with Douglas and doesn’t want Keitel (or his robot), but when has that ever stopped him? Holly Hunter also didn’t want him in Piano, and he just stood before her naked and – wham! Fortunately, he doesn’t do that here.

Instead, his first objective is to remove Douglas, but then the menacingly looking robot suddenly decides he’s pissed off at Keitel for killing that guy at the beginning of the movie. Fawcett, Keitel and Douglas then realize they have to work together to get rid of the menacingly looking large robot, who is in fact incredibly slow and looks like it’s about to fall apart any minute (that’s 80’s technology for you).

 

After a few failed attempts, they finally succeed and Keitel takes out the robot’s brain. But the robot decides it’s still too early to call it quits (after all, the movie is barely halfway through), so it uses some additional parts to rebuild itself into a really cool giant robot that’s even more menacingly looking than the previous version, complete with shiny red and blue cables and whatnot. This version of the menacingly looking robot is more successful than the first one, so it cuts off Keitel’s hand (which inspired Oliver Stone a year later to make a film about a hand) and drags him away (it was a really bad day for Keitel, because moments before that he got into a fight with a naked Kirk Douglas over Farrah Fawcett and got his ass kicked). Douglas tries to kill the robot by throwing some plastic buckets at it and for some reason fails miserably and after that the robot does some things that are not quite nice, so Kirk Douglas and Farrah Fawcett decide they have to kill it. What happens next (and what happened to Keitel) I won’t tell you.

While Saturn 3 is certainly not a match to the greatest science fiction B-movies like Forbidden World, it does have its moments. The set looks OK and I really liked all versions of the menacingly looking robot. The sound is also interesting, there are lots of echoes and the music is often psychedelic, reminiscent of older sci-fi movies. As for the actors, Keitel acts like a robot (no pun intended), but since he’s otherwise a great actor, I’m guessing that was part of his character. Douglas was OK, but Fawcett was horrible. She should have had less lines and more nude scenes. Overall, one maniac robot and loads of silliness make for a cool movie that should keep you entertained while you prepare to watch something that actually makes sense.

Snake Eater III... His Law (1992)

Directed by: George Erschbamer

Writers: John Dunning, W. Glenn Duncan (book Rafferty's Rules)

 

 

In my opinion, this final part of the legendary Snake Eater trilogy is actually the best in the series. Now, before the rabid fans of the first two parts tear me apart, let me try to justify this somewhat controversial statement: First of all, Snake Eater III is based on a book, which spices up its intellectual side a bit. And it has more breasts. I rest my case.

The influence of W. Glenn Duncan’s novel Rafferty’s Rules (which I haven’t read, but I’ll bet it’s a pure masterpiece) on the screenplay is obvious: Instead of rednecks, drug lords, mental institutions etc, we have a warm story of a biker gang that kidnapped a young reporter and spent several months drugging and raping her. When she finally escaped (or was let go, I don’t remember) she was so screwed up in the head that she automatically offered herself to anyone she met.

So, the girl’s parents are quite upset with this and they hire Lorenzo Lamas to track the bikers down and have them rubbed out, eliminated, maybe even killed. Initially, he refuses, saying that he doesn’t do that sort of thing, but when the girl’s mother replies “I think you do!” he immediately changes his mind and accepts. Someone with her persuasion skills would certainly be a fine addition to any RPG party.

The reason Lorenzo’s able to accept this time consuming task is that he’s suspended from the police again, this time for killing a guy who was trying to rob a cafeteria. I wonder if they have a limit on suspensions in the department... Anyway, now that Lorenzo has some free time, he finds himself a pretty cool sidekick named The Cowboy, who provides vital information for him and occasionally helps him kill people. Together they manage to bring down the gang and eliminate their leader, after which the girl is mysteriously cured. This sounds lake a lame horror movie, but that’s how it is.

Snake Eater III has all the action and humor of the first two parts, plus more nudity than both of them combined (which means simply more than the first, because the second one didn’t have any). All the main female characters take their clothes off at some point. For example, the girl that got tortured by the bikers (Valerie’s her name, I think) lifts her skirt and starts to pull down her panties immediately upon being introduced to Lorenzo, but unfortunately her boring father stops her (a short digression: If you analyze these movies carefully, you’ll notice that Lorenzo probably has some superpower that makes women strip in his presence).

The film has a good tempo and constantly alternates between fist fighting, shooting, sex and Lorenzo’s arniesque one-liners. The highlight is probably a scene in a bar where he fights this HUGE redneck, a moment of epic proportions, rivalling the legendary fight between Bruce Lee and Kareem Abdul-Jabaar in Game of Death. An interesting change from the previous installments is that Lorenzo has a full-time girlfriend in this one, which shows his romantic side. Of course, she’s completely useless, just like other female characters in the series.

 

Unfortunately, they have never made another Snake Eater movie and it burns my heart with sorrow. But at least Lorenzo went on and made many other brilliant movies.

Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster (1989)

Directed by: George Eschbamer

Writers: Don Carmody, John Dunning, Michael Paseornek

After a delay slightly longer than expected, we are back with another wonderful movie from Lorenzo Lamas' Snake Eater trilogy. The review is taken from here: http://speedtavern.blogspot.com/2011/10/snake-eater-ii-drug-buster-1989.html Click that link if you want to see some beautiful screenshots from the movie.

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Lorenzo Lamas returns as Jonathan “Soldier” Kelly in this sequel which is probably the weakest film in the trilogy, but that doesn’t mean it sucks or something, it’s just that it’s... the weakest film in the trilogy.

 

The story goes as follows: Lorenzo learns that a particularly nasty drug lord has been enrichening his merchandise with rat poison, which for some reason causes the death of some people. It comes as no surprise that Lorenzo is really pissed off and that he immediately sets sail for bringing down the said druglord and kicking his ass.

It’s also not a real surprise that he’s suspended; this time they don’t even bother to tell us why. This comes as a small problem for his mission, because he’s unable to use the standard police methods like shooting everyone and blowing everything up. Forced to keep a low profile again, he arms himself with a really big shotgun and goes to shoot everyone, but only manages to kill four or five bad guys before the police arrives.

He goes to trial, where his lawyer plays the temporary insanity (TM) card, resulting in him (Lorenzo, not the lawyer) being sent to a mental institution for evaluation, rather than jail. Apart from not being in jail, the institution has several upsides: First, the doctor that does the evaluation is a woman, so she eventually falls in love with Lorenzo. Second, the inmates are really a cool bunch, especially a crazy sex-obsessed former preacher whose “sermons” are probably the high point of the entire movie. Finally, the place is so well guarded that Lorenzo’s pals can go out and return unnoticed any time they like. They just don’t want to do it because the people outside are crazy.

Lorenzo however sees an opportunity and armed with his wit, fists and a black sidekick named Speedboat he goes about his business of destroying the evil drug master. Here lies the main problem with this movie – there’s a significant lack of fistfights.  Lorenzo and his pal base their operation on sabotage – for example, they blow up the evil guy’s warehouse, they poison his henchmen (and blow one of the up) in a restaurant, etc. etc. Finally, they get tired of that crap, kill the bastard and get arrested. End.

Anyway, it takes almost 80 minutes to get to the first fight, where Lorenzo is almost killed by this huge bearded guy, but luckily he notices a nearby bottle, breaks it on the guy’s head and then electrocutes him. We have a few shooting scenes, especially at the beginning and near the end of the movie, but we can say that in total this movie is a bit short on action.

All in all, as far as first two movies are concerned, I must say I’m not quite satisfied with Lorenzo’s performance in fights. However, he totally makes up for it with his superior endurance. This time he gets stabbed right in the back and later the aforementioned large bearded guy shoots him in the arm and in the leg, all of which does absolutely nothing to slow him, or even bring him any pain. Still, he should be more careful with his reputation – the way he walked right into the trap by not checking the corners of the room is really unflattering. A former Snake Eater should not allow that.

Female viewers would be interested to know that Lorenzo again takes his shirt off a few times, but doesn’t spend so much screen time topless as in the first movie. Male viewers should be warned that this time there’s no trace of female nudity.