Writer: Naomi Selfman
As we all know, the quality
of The Asylum “films” (if you can call them that) generally ranges from simply
unwatchable to “I want to rip out my eyes and pierce my ears and jump into a
pool full of piranhas” kind of unwatchable. If you’ve seen one, you know the
amount of pain it brings. However, there are a few titles (I’ve counted three
so far) that by sheer fluke aren’t that devastating for your mental health.
Mind you, certainly not because they are less stupid than the others, hell no!
The fact is that they have certain other… “qualities” (hehe) worth mentioning.
So, to repeat, if you see that a movie is from The Asylum kitchen, you are to
avoid at all costs, unless it’s one of those (so far) three we’re going to
review here. Now we’ll cover Barely Legal,
and the other two are Snakes on a Train
and Invasion of the Pod People.
Barely Legal is a “comedy”
that’s by no means less idiotic than other films by this company. It’s kind of
an inverted American Pie story – we have three smoking hot girls, all turning
18 on the same day, on the mission of losing virginity during their birthday
party. It turns out that’s not as easy as it sounds (!)
Our three heroines
correspond to stereotypes established long ago – one is smart (or, rather, less
stupid than the other two), the other is a slut (yep, I guess this is the first
time that we have a movie with a virgin slut) and the third is kind of a
religious freak. The only inversion is that the “smart” one is actually a
blonde. It takes really high disbelief suspension powers to swallow the story
of three best friends sharing birthday and living together in a huge mansion
with a swimming pool and everything. No parents are mentioned here, so it’s
unclear who pays for all that.
Much more disappointing
is the fact that this movie never manages to reach the atmosphere of those
party movies it tries to copy. From the beginning, we are being promised that
the 18th birthday party will be something spectacular, never seen
before, blah blah blah, however, when it actually starts, we never have that
impression. Occasionally we meet some characters wandering around, sometimes
something happens, but at all times it’s painfully obvious that there wasn’t
enough money to hire the required number of actors for this kind of thing.
As far as comedy goes,
it’s completely unfunny from the first to the last second, but thankfully it
also manages not to be terribly disgusting. One notable exception is a scene of
oral sex with a dog. I could really live without that one.
It’s obvious that it’s
a horrible movie that fails both as a comedy and… well, as a film, so question
is – why would anyone watch this? The answer is simple – this movie contains a
ridiculous amount of nudity, far, far beyond what its more famous competitors
like American Pie are willing to
show. Once the party starts, it’s not easy to find a scene where no one is
naked. All three lead actresses repeatedly take their clothes off and a huge,
huuuuuuge plus is that all three of them are natural from head to toe. So, I
would certainly recommend you to watch this one and feast your eyes. To reduce
the amount of stupidity to which you’re going to be subjected, you can mute the
movie and play some music of your own preference. Double win!
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