Writers: Glenn Ciano, Robert Rotondo, Jr.
Obviously, with a title such as this one, there can be little doubt about what's going to be "happening" in the movie - i.e. yet another story about zombies that aren't actually zombies, because they're not dead, they're just... infected (insert some scary music). But does that make them any less dangerous? Hell, no! In fact, thanks to not being zombies, they can move fast, and they can also talk a bit, providing them with an occasional opportunity to fool someone and eat them.
Glenn Ciano (the guy who directed Incubus with Robert Englund, which I haven't seen, and after seeing this one I'll be sure to keep not seeing it for as long as possible) came up with a story about... hold on a second, did I say story? I apologize, there's none here. Just some people being killed and then the movie ends. But what serves as a great testimony to Glenn Ciano's writing and directing skills is the fact that the movie, despite being virtually plotless, manages to be more confusing than Primer and Southland Tales combined. There are some people there. Who are they? We have absolutely no idea. What do they do? Some of them seem to know each other. What is their relation? What are those other people? How do they know the main characters? Why did they come there? No clue. Where the hell is that place anyway? Sorry, no answer.
The ever decreasing collection of "normal" people is led by Michael Madsen and William Forsythe. I had absolutely no idea their careers have sunk so low. I could have perhaps expected Lance Henriksen, but those two? Hardly. Anyway, Madsen's voice over opens the movie by solemnly declaring that "the world has changed", to which I thought "Bitch, please, if you now tell me that you can feel it in the water, I'm gonna track you down and kill you!". Then they show us some cabin in the woods where Madsen and some other people are horribly upset about some creatures trying to break in and eat them. We then go back twelve months to find out what had happened earlier and discover that nothing actually happened.
Another hilarious feature here is the passage of time - everything seems to take place in a very short time span, like two or three days. But then you suddenly find yourself watching that scene from the very beginning and realize that actually a whole year has passed (and I'm not even sure Michael Madsen ever changed his shirt during that time). Time flies when you're having fun, right?
Is there a saving grace here, perhaps? Probably no. There's no nudity by any of the major female characters, some of the killings are watchable I guess, but that's hardly a consolation when absolutely nothing works in the movie. There's just one absolutely hilarious scene - Michael Madsen's pregnant wife locates a little girl whose father is turning into one of those things. She takes her away to protect her, but the father wants her back and starts a really tear jerking monologue of the "I am perfectly OK, please bring me back my daughter!" sort. The catch is - every once in a while he stops, looks to the side and lets out such a hideous monstrous growl that has to be heard to be believed. And after that, he continues with his talk pretending that nothing happened. The (probably unintentional) hilarity of this scene is far beyond the rest of the movie.
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