Blue Monkey (1987)

Directed by: William Fruet

Writer: George Goldsmith

This is why I love the eighties, the best decade in the history of humankind! Not because this movie is any kind of unforgettable masterpiece - it's far from it. In fact, for the standards of that wonderful decade, it's a completely average monster flick that you watch today and forget tomorrow. The catch is - that completely average 80's monster movie would easily blow to pieces 98% of today's genre offering with one hand tied behind its back.

 

Contrary to what you might expect from the title, there are no monkeys of any kind here, much less blue ones, though it would certainly be cool to see a blue monkey wreaking havoc and killing people. But let's not underestimate the villain here - while not being monkey (not to mention the lack of blueness), the giant insect does its best to bring as much pain and sorrow as possible.

 

The story takes place in a hospital, where a patient is admitted after somehow being hurt by a plant (!) Soon more and more people are coming and it seems a giant epidemic is about to take place. Things get worse when a huge parasite gets out of the man's mouth, runs away and gets in contact with some growth hormones. It transforms into a giant ant-like creature and the fun begins.

 

The screenplay is a bit confusing at first, with its somewhat unusual combination of the epidemic and the giant monster storyline, but we don't care about the story anyway. We want to see hideous monster violence, and we do get it! A first few killings are shot in that slightly irritating monster POV style that's mostly used for the budget reasons rather than the artistic ones, but at the later stage of the movie we see the monster in full glory (ah, those wonderful pre-CGI days!) together with some cool beheadings and other kinds of killing. The characters are the usual suspects - a concerned cop, a brave female doctor, a goofy scientist guy who's fascinated with the monster, a small kid, etc. Those clichés are certainly not irritating in any way - it's just how things go. Remember, what we don't have are retarded jocks, irritating stoners, blonde sluts, stupid idiots that make dirty "jokes" all the time etc.

 

As I said, the monster looks rather good and the rest of the technicalities is also completely fine. The music is of that stringy type that's usually used to build the atmosphere in the disease movies and it does a pretty good job here, too. The direction also does the job - you won't run away screaming to another room, but there's a good rhythm that keeps you entertained and when violence comes, it's mostly shown in full glory.

 

To tell the true, I've never heard of this movie before I found it on a friend's HD a few years ago. It's not unusual that it didn't make any kind of impact - in the eighties monster movies were on fire, we had Tremors, we had Slugs, various kinds of killing alligators, insects, sharks, octopuses, ants... Imagine an animal - there was a movie with that animal. Today of all animals we have sharks and an occasional crocodile, that's it. All other horror movies are either about zombies or ghosts or just some found footage crap that's not actually about anything. Watching older movies is like having a glass of nice cold water on a hot day. And it's not just about horror - I'm preparing to watch a truckload of ninja movies these days! Yyyyyyyyyyeaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

The Kindred (1987)

Directed by: Stephen Carpenter, Jeffrey Obrow

Writers: Stephen Carpenter, Jeffrey Obrow, John Penney, Earl Ghaffari, Joseph Stefano

 

 

Two directors, five screenwriters?! I mean what the hell? A lame and generic story such as this could have easily been written by a ten year old on a lunch break, but here it took them no less than five people, including the writer of Psycho (!)

It all starts when a woman (apparently a famous scientist or something) on hear deathbed (because, you see, she is dying) pledges her son to go to her old house and burn everything, I mean EVERYTHING, from top to bottom. She has been conducting some dangerous experiments and wants all notes, equipment and other stuff gone before someone EVIL uses it for their EVIL purpose. However, her idiot son equips himself with a group of other idio... errr, I mean friends, and instead of fulfilling his mother’s wish, he continues her research. Sure enough, all hell breaks loose, by which I mean that a hideous monster appears and starts killing everyone. Also worth noticing is a supporting role by Rod Steiger, who plays a mad doctor.

To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t paying much attention to the “story” (if you can call it that) because I was tired and it wasn’t very engaging anyway. I couldn’t care less about any of the characters and the acting was absolutely horrible.

Thankfully, however, this movie was made in 1980’s, back when they were still trying to entertain the audience instead of just shooting random crap on a shoestring budget and hoping to sell a few DVDs by making the cool-looking cover. What I’m referring to are the special effects, which are way above average here. Great looking monsters, nice killings and one exceptionally well-made transformation scene where a woman slowly turns into a horrible fish-like creature – it’s all something you simply won’t see in today’s CGI-dominated movies. So, despite the obvious shortcomings, The Kindred deserves a look.