Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl (2009)

Directed by: Naoyuki Tomomatsu, Yoshihiro Nishimura

Writers: Shungicu Ushida (manga), Naoyuki Tomomatsu

Yoshihiro Nishimura has been one of my favorite directors ever since I saw the wonderful Tokyo Gore Police. I definitely prefer him to his colleague Noboru Iguchi, who (with the exception of The Machine Girl, which I loved) reaches for vulgar toilet humor too often, and besides, in my opinion, he harbours a bit unhealthy obsession with human ass.

 

Strictly speaking, Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl is primarily a Naoyuki Tomomatsu movie, but Nishimura is credited as a co-director and he also did the special effects, so he had a huge influence on the visual side of the movie, if not for the story. Speaking of Tomomatsu, his name wasn't familiar to me before, but after this movie I'll give him a chance, though titles like Rape Zombie: Lust of the Dead and Eating Schoolgirls don't promise something that would be my cup of tea.

 

Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl is a successful J-sploitation splatterfest, which works simply because it's so damn entertaining. If you've seen any of Nishimura's films, you'll promptly find yourself on familiar ground when some cheerful pop music starts to play while fountains of blood flow and severed body parts fly around in slow-motion.

 

Basically, it's a story of a high-school love triangle, where a poor young boy called Jyugon is sandwiched between Keiko, the vice principal's daughter and (I guess) the most popular girl at school, and Monami, an extremely cute newcomer with mysterious background, with both of them wanting him to be their boyfriend forever. So, why the hell did I just call him "poor"? Well, for one, Monami is a vampire and wants to turn him into one, and Keiko is a bitch, at least at the beginning. Then she dies, is revived by her father (who, in his free time, is an insane Dr. Frankenstein wannabe) and turned into a horrifying cut-and-paste monster made of body parts stolen from different people. And she's still a bitch! Jyugon chooses the lesser of two evils, so he and Monami are forced to fight the disturbingly enhanced Keiko and her mad father throughout the rest of the movie.

 

As with other similar films, the plot is just there to serve as an excuse (heh, like we would need one) for hilarious over-the-top violence, body parts abuse and colourful characters which never get boring. To list everything would be impossible (not to mention undesirable), but some of the highlights are a wrist cut competition, a club of black wannabe girls (this alone in America would probably put the author in jail for a long time due to racism), vice principal who dresses like a witch doctor, inventive body part combinations (a severed arm used as a propeller, eyeballs instead of nipples, to mention just a few trivial examples) and of course endless mutilations whose crowd pleasing potential is immense.

 

It's recommended to see this in the company of your male friends, especially if you can pair it with a similar but longer film, like Nishimura's Helldriver. You can also play it to your girlfriend if you want to get dumped quickly. Whatever you do, don't miss it.

Mr. Hush (2011)

Directed by: David Lee Madison

Writer: David Lee Madison

 

 

Mr. Hush is a film so disastrously horrible in every possible way that I felt sorry for everyone involved in making it. I felt sorry for Jessica Cameron (who was my number one reason for seeing it) and Stephen Geoffreys, who must have remembered with sadness the days when he played in comparative masterpieces like Latin Crotch Rockets, Just 18 and Gay and Transsexual Prostitutes 2. I felt even more sorry for David Lee Madison because he's, after all, the one responsible for all this mess. A small consolation for him may be that some really big names started their careers with lame movies (Wes Craven and Sam Peckinpah come to mind). But above all I felt sorry for myself and the time I wasted - I would've been better off watching Howling 6 for the fifth time.

The movie starts by introducing us to the lead character, Holland Price, who is such a nice guy. He has a very nice wife and a daughter who's, you won't believe it, also very nice. Holland's character is further developed by him being nice to all the trick-or-treaters that knocked on the door (did I forget to mention that it's Halloween night? Well, it's Halloween night). Just when you think there there's simply no more room to any further niceness, Holland takes it up to eleven by letting a strange priest come inside the house and use the phone because his bus full of children broke down or something.

The priest asks to use the bathroom first, but then quickly changes his mind and kills Holland's wife (exit Jessica Cameron) and apparently the daughter. Because, surprise, surprise, the "priest" is actually not a priest at all, but Mr. Hush (!). Who'd have thought? Anyway, Holland runs upstairs to see what had happened to his daughter and lets out a desperate scream. However, whatever he did (not) see, remained off screen.

Right after that we cut to a completely different scene. Holland is sitting in a doctor's (dentist's?) chair and the doctor (dentist?) prepares his tools. Then he approaches Holland with some scary instruments in his hand and our hair goes grey and our hearts sink to the bottom of the pool of depression when we realise that the doctor (dentist?) is actually... you won't believe what you're about to read... Mr. Hush (!).

Holland screams and wakes from the horribly confusing prologue. Apparently, it's ten years after the sad event of Mr. Hush killing Holland's family (sorry Holland, I'll stop rubbing it in very soon). He lives in a tent on some meadow with some sidekick and works as a dishwasher at some nearby café, or a restaurant, or some crap like that. Well, his career may be in full blossom, but he still can't forget the tragedy that befell him ten years before, when Mr. Hush invaded his peaceful home and slaughtered Jessica Cameron, and also did some unnamed thing to their daughter.

His colleague (hold on a sec while I look for her name on IMDb) Debbie (does Dallas) has a crush on him. So, after exchanging their sad life stories (what better foreplay than a personal tragedy, right?) they become lovers of some kind. Debbie (does Dallas), by the way, has a daughter that's of similar age to Holland's. One night they are having a dinner together and someone rings the ring on the front door and it turns out to be... wait for it... Mr. Hush (!), who immediately proceeds to slaughter Debbie (does Dallas). Holland screams again to no avail, and then passes out and finds himself tied up on a chair in some basement.

You might at this point think that Mr. Hush might possibly have something against Holland and you would be right. Mr. Hush is actually a vampire (!), whose wife was killed by Holland's grandfather decades ago. Ain't life a bitch? So, but that twisted vampire moral logic, he reckons he has a right to torment Holland for the rest of his life and kill every woman he lays his hands on. The bastard.

Our hero is understandably less than happy about this turn of events, so he throws myriads of insults at Mr. Hush and his sidekick Stephen Geoffreys. Then he has a dream about his grandmother, who informs him that there's something strange about Mr. Hush (but that's not much help for the audience, because anyone who had seen at least one horror movie already knows that he's a vampire). Fortunately, after it's been spelled out for the slowest members of the audience, there's no need for Mr. Hush to hide his true self (so far he appeared only in his human uniform), so he transforms into a sickest looking vampire son of a bitch I've seen since Max Schreck. When you first see him, it's not easy to decide whether he's simply ridiculous or downright disturbing. The final showdown between Good and Evil may begin.

It's hard to say what's the worst thing about this movie. The writing is horrible - half of the scenes in the movie (the nightmare scene at the beginning, the dream scene later, Mr. Hush and Stephen Geoffreys buying a coffin, etc.) are simply useless and serve absolutely no purpose and the quality of the dialogue makes the Magic Bullet Infomercial look like an excerpt from a Quentin Tarantino movie. The editing is next to nonexisting, with many scenes featuring completely fixed camera position and almost no cuts - as if you're in a theatre. The directing takes out even the slim potential for suspense that existed in the totally incompetent screenplay and don't even get me started about photography and the rest. The few unintentional laughs in some scenes (like for example the second murder scene) can't make up for the rest of the movie which feels like an eternity of pain.

Blood Scarab (2008)

 

Directed by: Donald F. Glut

Writer: Donald F. Glut

When I chose to watch this movie last night, I was expecting it to be a rather generic softcore flick. I usually hate those movies because they all somehow manage to make sex and nudity boring (I won't go into details now, perhaps some other time), but this one promised the possibility of being different. After all, it features vampires and the main role is played by Monique Parent. Quite enough for me.

 

It turns out that this is not an erotic film at all. Or, to be more precise, it's not a softcore movie as we know it but rather some kind of horror comedy with lots and lots of nudity (but no sex). The story follows the famous bloodthirsty countess Elizabeth Bathory, here married to a surprisingly incompetent Count Dracula who looks suspiciously like Billy Burke. Dracula bites the dust straight away, thanks to Renfield and some naked girls whom he had been spying on. Elizabeth is pissed off that, as a vampire, she's unable to walk during the daytime, so she forces the housekeeper and driver Renfield to find a way to correct that small defect. When you see how Renfield looks in this movie, you wouldn't trust him to be able to pour a glass of water for himself, but he's actually surprisingly efficient in his quest, which soon brings us the unusual combination of vampires and ancient Egypt, bloodsuckers, mummies, goddesses, curses and various other stuff. Not bad.

 

The most frustrating thing about this movie is the lack of sex scenes and it's something which you should be aware of in advance. It's not that everyone got frigid all of a sudden - on the contrary, there are plenty of scenes when some girls are willing to show some affection to one another, but just as they start getting to the point, the scene ends. What the hell is wrong with this director, I have no idea. Fortunately it's not all bad. The movie is perfectly aware of its limitations and never tries to be serious. The humor is not something out of a Coen brothers picture, but it will give you a smile here and there (for example, the very first time you see Dracula's moustache) and the story is not too boring.

 

The best thing of course is that all the actresses (except for Brinke Stevens, who appears in a cameo role) spend most of the time topless and Monique Parent is still sexy enough to melt a rock. She has a full frontal scene near the beginning when she takes a bath, but the real cake comes near the end, when she finally gains the ability to walk in the sunlight, and makes the best of it by enjoying a topless stroll around. This is something that can't be described in words, so you better get the movie and see for yourself, and I end this short review by again admiring this wonderful actress who'll probably still be hot when she's seventy or something.

La morte vivante (1982)

Directed by: Jean Rollin

Writers: Jacques Ralf, Jean Rollin

I can't think of many film directors that go about ruining great ideas with such enthusiasm as Jean Rollin. His films always feature interesting scenery (you know, country, nature, old castles, that sort of crap), vampires, zombies, some kind of implicit or explicit lesbian romance, gruesome killings etc... and all of them are mind numbingly boring. Honestly, I don't remember ever watching one of his movies without wishing to be somewhere far away, like Siberia or something.

 

Takes this one for example - there's this castle somewhere in France (I guess) and it contains this crypt where some people are buried. But lo! - some thieves accidentally spill some toxic waste in there and all of a sudden this young girl comes to life (you know, she was kinda dead before that, hence the title of the movie). There's also this dead old woman who for some reason doesn't come to life, despite being treated with the same toxic waste. So what does our newly alive friend do? Well, naturally, as in all Jean Rollin films, she has to drink blood to survive (even though she's actually dead - notice the paradox?).

 

But there's a "twist" - long time ago, this living dead girl was involved with some other girl, they were great friends, blah blah blah, actually I think Rollin implies that they were lovers, but of course we don't see any hot makeout session to convince us. Anyway, the zombie (vampire?) girl telephones her "friend", and she immediately comes to the castle and starts picking up unsuspecting victims to feed her friend/lover. This leads to some hilariously cheesy killings, but in between them Rollin insists on torturing us with some zombie lesbian introspective drama crap which I'm sure nobody gives a crap about because there are simply no steamy lesbian scenes to keep us interested. "Oh, I'm alive!". "Oh, I'm dead!". "Oh, life is so cruel!". "Oh, death is so cruel!". I mean, as Guns 'n' Roses would say - back off, bitch! We don't care!

 

As this semi-lesbian "drama" never develops into anything substantial, our only source of entertainment are the horribly directed murder scenes. Lots of people die and near the end of the movie I think some of the main characters (an irritating photographer and her even more irritating jerk of a boyfriend) also die and I think that the living dead girl decided that she's dead after all, but don't hold me on that, I don't remember the ending too clearly. I've already forgotten many things that happened here, and if I'm lucky, I think I might be able to completely erase this movie from my memory by the end of the year. You can do your part by not watching it in the first place. If I ever find a Jean Rollin movie that's not completely worthless, you'll be the first to know.

Dracula di Dario Argento (2012)

Directed by: Dario Argento

Writers: Dario Argento, Antonio Tentori, Stefano Piani, Enrique Cerezo

 

 

The newest addition to the ever growing collection of adaptations of Dracula (which happens to be one of my favorite stories) comes from none other than Dario Argento, the great Italian master of horror (if you don’t believe me, check that he appears in the series Masters of Horror), whose last few movies haven’t exactly been met by great enthusiasm by the critics. In fact, most of them claim they were utter crap.

So, Argento decided to play it safe and to use the story that gives you at least a solid movie almost by default, unless you’re a total retard. He scooped up some five million dollars by selling his daughter’s nude photos on eBay and assembled an all-star cast including said daughter Asia as Lucy, Thomas Kretchmann as Dracula, Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing and bunch of other people I’ve never heard about. From the look of the movie, I’m guessing most of that money went to booze for Rutger Hauer. He sure looks drunk all the time, anyway.

The obvious budget constraints dictated some painful but necessary changes to the story – it all takes place in some forsaken craphole of a village called Pasburg or something. I don’t know where the hell is that supposed to be, it’s never explained. The characters’ names don’t help much, some of them (Miloš, Tanja, Zoran) sound like they came straight from Serbia, while the mayor's last name is Kislinger, which is probably German or Austrian. I guess Argento didn't care much about this, so I don't se why should we.

Anyway, as I said, it all takes place in that village, which is really boring and bad looking. There's no trace of Dracula's intention of going to London, because then they would have to reduce Rutger Hauer's vodka supplies and create something that at least resembles a big city, which was obviously out of the question. So the whole team – Harker, Mina and Van Helsing – move to this Pasburg, where they meet Dracula, Renfield and Lucy who already live there. Well, not exactly the whole team – budget constraints dictated that characters like Arthur Holmwood, Dr. Seward and Quincy Morris had to be written off.

The existing characters also suffered some changes. Lucy is now the mayor’s daughter, Renfield is a caretaker or something and likes to drive shovels through people’s heads and Harker is a simpleton who’s completely irrelevant to the story. At times he reminded me of Mozart’s wife from Amadeus for some reason. Basically it all boils down to the fact that Dracula has some kind of a deal with the rulers of the place that he can kill, but should not kill everyone, if at all possible. So one day he gets pissed off and kills everyone and then the local priest summons Van Helsing, who arrives straight from who knows where (it’s also never explained, I guess it wasn’t that important) and brings with him his vampire slaying equipment consisting of wooden stakes, crosses, bullets with garlic (bet you didn’t see that one coming!) and a truckload of finest Jack Daniel’s whisky.

His first task is to kill Lucy, who was in the meantime vampired by Dracula (at least they retained something from the book). After that, he goes for Dracula himself, after gathering from the priest the invaluable information concerning the fact that Dracula is eeeeeeeeeeviiiiiil did you hear me Van Helsing EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I won’t tell you how that ended, except for the fact that Mina manages to kill Dracula using Van Helsing’s pistol (while Dracula is busy repeatedly hitting Van Helsing’s liquor-hardened head) and thus releases herself from the control of that freak who wanted her to be the substitute for his late wife. That bastard, she was dead for like only two hundred years or something and he’s already trying to jump in bed with some bimbo from London (presumably, it’s also never explained where do Mina and Harker come from). Suits him fine!

Obviously, I wasn’t able to enjoy the 3D presentation of the film, so I can’t comment how that came out. For a Dracula movie, the photography is surprisingly bright (maybe exactly because of the 3D filming) and in combination with the set design (or lack thereof) at times reminds of a film by The Asylum. All the great scary scenes from the book are removed, but Argento has a few aces up his sleeve – there’s a sex scene in a haystack, Lucy is shown naked while being washed by Mina (unfortunately, she doesn’t return the favour, which is my biggest complaint to the movie), Dracula totally abuses his transformation powers so he turns into various things including a giant praying mantis (bet you didn’t see that one coming!), there’s plenty of gore (mostly courtesy of Dracula and his murderous rampage) which is done quite nicely and of course – there’s the fact that, probably for the first time in movie history, Van Helsing is played by a Dutch actor (!). For those who may be unaware, despite his suspiciously Jewish first name, Van Helsing is Dutch and Rutger Hauer does an amazing job of bringing this authenticity to the screen, with his blonde hair and stuff.

Overall, while this is movie is far from being a masterpiece like Nosferatu (by Murnau), Nosferatu (by Herzog) or Philip Saville’s TV version, it’s still a decent work that will keep you entertained for almost two hours. Too bad we didn’t get the scene of Mina and Lucy sharing a bath, that would at least five stars to the overall IMDb score.