Writer: Donald F. Glut
When I chose to watch this movie last night, I was expecting it to be a rather generic softcore flick. I usually hate those movies because they all somehow manage to make sex and nudity boring (I won't go into details now, perhaps some other time), but this one promised the possibility of being different. After all, it features vampires and the main role is played by Monique Parent. Quite enough for me.
It turns out that this is not an erotic film at all. Or, to be more precise, it's not a softcore movie as we know it but rather some kind of horror comedy with lots and lots of nudity (but no sex). The story follows the famous bloodthirsty countess Elizabeth Bathory, here married to a surprisingly incompetent Count Dracula who looks suspiciously like Billy Burke. Dracula bites the dust straight away, thanks to Renfield and some naked girls whom he had been spying on. Elizabeth is pissed off that, as a vampire, she's unable to walk during the daytime, so she forces the housekeeper and driver Renfield to find a way to correct that small defect. When you see how Renfield looks in this movie, you wouldn't trust him to be able to pour a glass of water for himself, but he's actually surprisingly efficient in his quest, which soon brings us the unusual combination of vampires and ancient Egypt, bloodsuckers, mummies, goddesses, curses and various other stuff. Not bad.
The most frustrating thing about this movie is the lack of sex scenes and it's something which you should be aware of in advance. It's not that everyone got frigid all of a sudden - on the contrary, there are plenty of scenes when some girls are willing to show some affection to one another, but just as they start getting to the point, the scene ends. What the hell is wrong with this director, I have no idea. Fortunately it's not all bad. The movie is perfectly aware of its limitations and never tries to be serious. The humor is not something out of a Coen brothers picture, but it will give you a smile here and there (for example, the very first time you see Dracula's moustache) and the story is not too boring.
The best thing of course is that all the actresses (except for Brinke Stevens, who appears in a cameo role) spend most of the time topless and Monique Parent is still sexy enough to melt a rock. She has a full frontal scene near the beginning when she takes a bath, but the real cake comes near the end, when she finally gains the ability to walk in the sunlight, and makes the best of it by enjoying a topless stroll around. This is something that can't be described in words, so you better get the movie and see for yourself, and I end this short review by again admiring this wonderful actress who'll probably still be hot when she's seventy or something.
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