Megalodon (2002)

Directed by: Pat Corbitt, Gary J. Tunnicliffe

Writers: Gary J. Tunnicliffe, Stanley Isaacs

Wow! I think this has to be one of the best megalodon movies made in 2002, topped only by Shark Attack 3! So, what is it that makes it so good? Well, nothing, actually. In fact, it's rather horrible :-(

The story somewhat deviates from the usual "Oh, no, the sea is infested with sharks, but we have a Very Important Competition That Will Bring Us A Lot Of Money to hold, so do we close the beach and lose money or pretend that nothing's happening and risk everyone's lives until some hero appears and saves everyone's asses?" cliché established in Spielberg's Jaws and repeated to death ever since. Here we have a rather claustrophobic setting of a huge sci-fi looking (but only from the outside) drilling platform deep in the ocean. That platform is situated in some kind of geologically sensitive area, which is of course the recipe for disaster. It doesn't take long for things to go wrong - some underground cave or something is unblocked, releasing a huge megalodon - sixty feet of prehistoric terror!!!1 Are you on the edge of your seat already?

 

If I saw such a huge prehistoric shark, I imagine I would be rather scared. Fortunately, the directors of this movie wisely decide to never let us truly experience that hugeness - the fake CGI shark is mostly shot completely alone in the water, without any solid objects in the background to allow for the comparison. That way, we are able to survive watching this film without dying of fear. Boredom, on the other hand, was a bit harder to repel...

 

Somehow, this movie is missing everything that makes for an enjoying shark experience. The setting itself effectively rules out beaches and topless beauties lying in the sun. The fact that the antagonist is a prehistoric shark that's supposed to be dead for millions of years (or something like that) makes impossible the traditional use of stock footage of real sharks. And the lack of money makes the existing CGI shark horribly unimpressive. Add to that the lack of horrifying death scenes and you have a movie that's best to avoid, unless you are a true megalodon fan. But even in that case, you're better off watching Shark Attack 3. The only good thing in the whole movie is the final scene - our heroine is on her boat and below her suddenly flows a huge terrifying shadow of sixty feet of prehistoric terror!!!1 This is a very nice short scene that slightly improves the bad taste left in your brain after watching (or preferably sleeping through) the rest of the movie.

Teenage Caveman (2002)

Directed by: Larry Clark

Writer: Christos N. Gage

 

Chances are you have probably heard of this movie before, and if you’ve read a few interviews you might have noticed that most people tend to easily dismiss it as pure crap. One of the reasons for this phenomenon is probably the fact that this movie is pure crap. Now, as is often the case with low budget movies, that doesn’t necessarily make it unwatchable. That depends on your tolerance to irritating teenage idiots and the amount of weed you currently possess. Personally, I’ve never smoked weed, but a cousin of mine who did said that it made him enjoy some pretty questionable films, so I thought it might help in this case, too.

What little story this complete failure of a movie has goes something like this: There’s this tribe in a post-apocalyptic future and it has this really annoying religious fanatic as a leader. He preaches abstinence and similar stuff, but that doesn’t prevent him from having piles of dirty magazines under the bed and from screwing all the attractive females in the tribe. Damn hypocrite! Well, we all know what Mel Brooks said about kings, right? (Hint: He said “It’s good to be the king!”). However, he really crosses the line when he choses none other than his son’s girlfriend for the honour of inserting his royal higness into her. The son gets pissed off, kills him and he and his girlfriend leave the tribe with a bunch of other nondescript (teenage) characters. For the brevity of the text, I skipped a few not so important scenes, like the son being sentenced to death.

So, the party, led by the late tribe leader’s son (whose name is David, but we will call him Ronald Reagan for the remainder of this review) and his girlfriend (Sarah, to be called Barbara Bush from now on) wanders through the post-apocalyptic wasteland, only to stumble upon the remains of a Great City, whose name isn’t mentioned, but someone on the IMDb said it was Seattle, so I guess it was... Seattle. However, we will call it Portland.

Portland is of course deserted, however, our “heroes” stumble upon two young people (have you noticed that everyone’s young in Larry Clark’s movies?) who live there and enjoy everything that modern technology has to offer, including, but not limited to, movies, music, drugs, jaccuzi baths, computers, drugs, paintings on the walls, drugs, music, drugs, alcohol, fancy shmancy scientific equipment, drugs and similar stuff. One of them is Tiffany Limos, whom you might now from another Larry Clark movie and the other is the late Richard Hillman who delivers one of the most ridiculous performances I’ve seen in a long time. I don’t want to speak ill of the dead, but damn my shoes if he isn’t overacting like a bastard son of Crispin Glover and Matthew Lillard.

 

Anyway, Ronald Reagan and his sidekicks have no knowledge of any of this modern stuff (as you may recall, they’d spent their entire lives in a primitive tribe), so they readily throw away the patriarchal bonds that binded them and plunge into the pool of drinking, heavy partying, drugs, sex, alcohol, loud music, sex, drugs, computer games, sex and similar things. All except Ronald Reagan and Barbara Bush, who find their hosts suspiciously suspicious, and for the right reason!

 

It turns out that these two are actually somehow genetically modified and thus immortal (!) and they want to use the unexpected guests for some sinister experiments. Ronald Reagan and Barbara Bush try to warn the others, but fortunately they are just too stupid to listen, so they all die by spontaneous combustion. Don’t ask, just thank the heavens for little things. After that, Richard Hillman’s character transforms into a hideous monster and dies and I’m sure Tiffany Limos also dies, I just can’t remember exactly how. Ronald Reagan is apparently infected with the same substance that made those two immortal (we will not dwell on the fact that they are both dead) so he takes Barbara Bush and returns to take the control of his old tribe. End. Sorry, I spoiled that for you.

The stupidity of the screenplay is something we can live with, however, the horrible acting and the characters that are more than irritating pose more of a problem. Fortunately, the fact that almost all of them die in horrible ways atones for that a bit. What also sucked is that the movie never provides a decent post-apocalyptic atmosphere. Everything takes place indoors (in two or three rooms) and even when they condescend to give us an outdoor scene or two, it just sucks and it’s boring and it doesn’t show anything interesting. The only thing (apart from almost everyone dying) that makes this at least semi-watchable is Larry Clark’s fascination with naked teenage bodies. He sets the record for the most gratuitous bath scene ever – in this one, all the main characters just hop naked into the bath together, immediately upon being introduced. It’s not completely unwise to stop watching the movie when that scene ends (what’s even wiser is also skipping the part before that).