Teenage Caveman (2002)

Directed by: Larry Clark

Writer: Christos N. Gage

 

Chances are you have probably heard of this movie before, and if you’ve read a few interviews you might have noticed that most people tend to easily dismiss it as pure crap. One of the reasons for this phenomenon is probably the fact that this movie is pure crap. Now, as is often the case with low budget movies, that doesn’t necessarily make it unwatchable. That depends on your tolerance to irritating teenage idiots and the amount of weed you currently possess. Personally, I’ve never smoked weed, but a cousin of mine who did said that it made him enjoy some pretty questionable films, so I thought it might help in this case, too.

What little story this complete failure of a movie has goes something like this: There’s this tribe in a post-apocalyptic future and it has this really annoying religious fanatic as a leader. He preaches abstinence and similar stuff, but that doesn’t prevent him from having piles of dirty magazines under the bed and from screwing all the attractive females in the tribe. Damn hypocrite! Well, we all know what Mel Brooks said about kings, right? (Hint: He said “It’s good to be the king!”). However, he really crosses the line when he choses none other than his son’s girlfriend for the honour of inserting his royal higness into her. The son gets pissed off, kills him and he and his girlfriend leave the tribe with a bunch of other nondescript (teenage) characters. For the brevity of the text, I skipped a few not so important scenes, like the son being sentenced to death.

So, the party, led by the late tribe leader’s son (whose name is David, but we will call him Ronald Reagan for the remainder of this review) and his girlfriend (Sarah, to be called Barbara Bush from now on) wanders through the post-apocalyptic wasteland, only to stumble upon the remains of a Great City, whose name isn’t mentioned, but someone on the IMDb said it was Seattle, so I guess it was... Seattle. However, we will call it Portland.

Portland is of course deserted, however, our “heroes” stumble upon two young people (have you noticed that everyone’s young in Larry Clark’s movies?) who live there and enjoy everything that modern technology has to offer, including, but not limited to, movies, music, drugs, jaccuzi baths, computers, drugs, paintings on the walls, drugs, music, drugs, alcohol, fancy shmancy scientific equipment, drugs and similar stuff. One of them is Tiffany Limos, whom you might now from another Larry Clark movie and the other is the late Richard Hillman who delivers one of the most ridiculous performances I’ve seen in a long time. I don’t want to speak ill of the dead, but damn my shoes if he isn’t overacting like a bastard son of Crispin Glover and Matthew Lillard.

 

Anyway, Ronald Reagan and his sidekicks have no knowledge of any of this modern stuff (as you may recall, they’d spent their entire lives in a primitive tribe), so they readily throw away the patriarchal bonds that binded them and plunge into the pool of drinking, heavy partying, drugs, sex, alcohol, loud music, sex, drugs, computer games, sex and similar things. All except Ronald Reagan and Barbara Bush, who find their hosts suspiciously suspicious, and for the right reason!

 

It turns out that these two are actually somehow genetically modified and thus immortal (!) and they want to use the unexpected guests for some sinister experiments. Ronald Reagan and Barbara Bush try to warn the others, but fortunately they are just too stupid to listen, so they all die by spontaneous combustion. Don’t ask, just thank the heavens for little things. After that, Richard Hillman’s character transforms into a hideous monster and dies and I’m sure Tiffany Limos also dies, I just can’t remember exactly how. Ronald Reagan is apparently infected with the same substance that made those two immortal (we will not dwell on the fact that they are both dead) so he takes Barbara Bush and returns to take the control of his old tribe. End. Sorry, I spoiled that for you.

The stupidity of the screenplay is something we can live with, however, the horrible acting and the characters that are more than irritating pose more of a problem. Fortunately, the fact that almost all of them die in horrible ways atones for that a bit. What also sucked is that the movie never provides a decent post-apocalyptic atmosphere. Everything takes place indoors (in two or three rooms) and even when they condescend to give us an outdoor scene or two, it just sucks and it’s boring and it doesn’t show anything interesting. The only thing (apart from almost everyone dying) that makes this at least semi-watchable is Larry Clark’s fascination with naked teenage bodies. He sets the record for the most gratuitous bath scene ever – in this one, all the main characters just hop naked into the bath together, immediately upon being introduced. It’s not completely unwise to stop watching the movie when that scene ends (what’s even wiser is also skipping the part before that).