Frankenstein's Army (2013)

Directed by: Richard Raaphorst

Writers: Chris W. Mitchell, Miguel Tejada-Flores, Richard Raaphorst (original idea)

At first I was very skeptical about this movie - at least 95% of found footage films are pure crap. This lasted until the first monster appeared, when I thought "Hey, actually this doesn't look so bad!". After that came a "Wow!" and then another one and another one and this lasted to the very end.

 

The story follows a group of Russian soldiers, who face some really horrifying Nazi monsters in Eastern Germany towards the end of the second world war. The ever decreasing group of (anti)heroes stumbles upon a secret Nazi lab, where they find the explanation for the monsters' existence. Of course, one of the soldiers carries a camera and records everything.

 

As usual, the film gains nothing from being made in found footage style. The atmosphere is not improved one bit, while at the same time it imposes severe limitations on the narrative. Found footage films generally suffer from the "let's film everything even though we're dying left and right" and this one is no exception. The excuses the characters make to keep filming get progressively stupid. At the same time, it appears that monsters never attempt to attack the person holding the camera.

 

I also didn't like the portrayal of the soldiers. The film seems almost decidedly anti-Russian, so there are no sympathetic characters here. Everyone's either a murderer or simply insane or generally doesn't give a damn about anything. The identification with the protagonists is absolutely essential for this type of film, and yet they fail over and over again. Given this fact, some plot twists that follow (related to the identity and secret plans of some of the group members) have minimal to no impact. It's also interesting that none of the group members are played by actual Russians, so you can imagine what their accents sound like.

 

Having said all this, the movie simply wipes out all this weak points with its complete and utter coolness. You simply won't believe what kind of screwed-up creatures you're about to see here. I won't even attempt to describe them, my English is not good enough, though I suspect much better writers than me would have problems with that. The picture on the poster gives you some idea. Then, there's almost no CGI here, everything is done with the good old make-up effects. All those insane monsters, streams of blood flowing around, piled-up dead bodies, dirty old secret labs, mutilations, it's all real (so to speak). With all its drawbacks regarding the story and screenplay, visually this is a stunning work and deserves to be seen on a screen as big as possible. Thumbs up!

Inara, the Jungle Girl (2012)

Directed by: Patrick Desmarattes

Writer: Patrick Desmarattes

This film opens with some idiot rambling incoherently on and on and on about something before some other guy mercifully shoots him down, and it all takes place in some kind of jungle. Then we have the opening credits where most of the names look as if taken straight from a porno movie. Cali Danger? Madison Kitten? Sam SEXTON? I mean what the hell? Basically, at this point you're probably already aware that you're in deep trouble, but if you still have some doubts (hopeless optimist, eh?), the following few minutes will effectively shoot them down.

 

First we have an emo song (played in entirety, like three or four minutes) which introduces our lead character Inara, who's the daughter of some soldier who died recently. During that crappy song she mourns him and at the same time brings a whole new meaning to the words "bad acting". Then she talks to her father's superior officer (I forgot what was his rank exactly) and that useless conversation is quickly followed by yet another "song" during which Inara gets wasted with alcohol and then gets in fight with some military assholes whom she easily beats because her father taught her how to fight and other cool stuff.

 

This is only the first 10-12 minutes. Long story short - she agrees to go on a mission to some remote island, hoping to find clues about her father's death. The purpose of the mission is to get some precious material from the jungle that's swarming with hostile natives. But lo and behold! - the plane crashes, Inara survives and is taken hostage by the natives, who happen to be an all-female tribe (!) Yippeeee! You won't believe what happens next - there's a female bonding, our heroine learns the badness of the ways of the white man, joins the female team, becomes their queen and they kick ass! Eat that, James Cameron!

 

Every single scene in this movie is a mini-torture in itself. The entire budget of approximately 12 dollars obviously went to the pockets of mega stars like Cali Danger and Madison Kitten, so there was nothing left for less important things like special effects, military uniforms, locations, things like that. I won't even go into the sheer beauty of the screenplay and those passionate dialogues that make your heart (and the content of your stomach) want to jump out. Or how our heroine bonded with the natives (it was something like this: "We hate you and we'll kill you... OK, we're bonded"). The fight scene at the end is the most unconvincing thing ever (it's less realistic than the scenes of total destruction from Roland Emmerich's 2012). Quite simply put - there's not a single thing in this movie that's not the worst ever.

 

The only way this could possibly have worked is if all females were naked all the time, which they aren't. The tribe members sport nice two part swimsuits that successfully bring pain and misery to any viewer. If you imagine the worst possible softcore film by Jim Wynorski or Fred Olen Ray and take out all the nudity, you'll end up with something that looks like Godfather when compared with this one. Patrick Desmarattes, I really have nothing against you, I know it's a wonderful thing to make a movie, but please don't make a career out of this.

Feast III: The Happy Finish (2009)

Directed by: John Gulager

Writers:  Patrick Melton, Marcus Dunstan

The third part of the best trilogy in the world picks up right where the previous one left off. The survivors from the roof finally manage to get into the jail and they meet another charismatic hero who promptly takes the lead. Their troubles are far from over, however. However strong the monsters, there's always a way to hurt them. But there's no defense from two insane and sadistic screenwriters who take every single opportunity to bring pain and misery to the group.

 

Feast III again brings the spirit of the second part, meaning - more humor and even more gruesome deaths than in the first part, but far less star power and a weaker overall look, especially when it comes to monsters. Of course, when you are enjoying the heck out of it with your friends, you'll hardly pay attention to it.

 

This part brings some more "heroes", most prominently a young martial artist called Jean-Claude Seagal (I kid you not) who spends most of his screen time with the Bartender, which doesn't have a good effect on his health. Their scenes are hilarious, particularly the now legendary Rambo III scene. Other characters also bring their share of fun, but I won't describe any of it lest I spoil it for you. If you liked Feast 2, there's absolutely no way you won't like this one. To freshen things up a bit, apart from the monsters we loved in the first two parts, the survivors also run into some kind of zombies.

 

I have only two small objections here. First, the movie is too short. Barely over an hour for something this good, that's simply unacceptable. Second, a large part of the movie takes place in the sewers and it's very claustrophobic and poorly lit, so most of the time you have no idea what's going on, which takes all the fun out of people dying. Okay, it's not that bad, you get used to it quickly, but still the second part was much brighter and cleaner (in terms of visibility, not the content).

 

We finish the story of this amazing series with one of my favorite quotes ever:

"You only need legs to kick ass, baby boy!"

Bloodmoon (1996)

Directed by: Tony Leung (not THAT Tony Leung, I presume)

Writer: Keith W. Strandberg

Here's a martial arts movie posing as a thriller. Or is it the other way around? Whatever the case, the fighting part of the movie is rather good, while everything else is pretty much horrible.

 

The structure is typical of serial killer movies: There's this guy that kills people left and right. In charge of the police investigation is a funny black guy who's of course unable to find the killer, so the chief of police (Frank Gorshin in yet another gratuitously over-the-top performance reminiscent of his Batman days) asks a retired detective (Gary Daniels) for help in order the prevent the crazy maniac from killing everyone on the planet and causing an apocalypse. Of course, the victims are not randomly selected and finding the connection between them means finding the killer and it will also give Gary Daniels an opportunity to win back his wife who's pissed off about something, blah blah blah... Fairly standard stuff, without a trace of innovation of any kind.

 

However, what's of interest here is the way the murders are committed - each of the victims is a champion of some martial arts discipline and the killer is beating them in their own discipline before killing them. He's like Michael Phelps among the serial killer martial artists. It should also be mentioned that he wears a dreadfully silly costume and he's a computer wizard who teases the police by sending them cheesy provocative messages.

 

The fights are numerous and well choreographed, which comes as no surprise since pretty much everyone involved in the movie is a martial artist of some kind (this includes the director, the writer and all the lead actors). Unfortunately, there are some scenes where nobody's fighting and instead they're trying to talk and what not and it's really embarrassing. The highlight of this cheesiness is the scene where Daniels wins back his wife. I blushed during that one even though I was completely alone. Having someone walk in while you're watching this scene is worse than being caught watching porn by your grandmother. Everything except fighting is cliché after cliché and it gets really boring and tiring after a while. If you're a fan of martial arts, I recommend fast forwarding through these scenes and if you're not, skip the movie altogether.

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008)

Directed by: John Gulager

Writers: Patrick Melton, Marcus Dunstan

 

Feast II takes place right after the first part, in which, as we remember, a group of bar patrons was assaulted and pretty much wiped out by some disgusting monsters of unknown origin. To give a quick reminder, the only survivors were Honey Pie, who screwed the others by stealing the truck that was meant to be used as a means for escape, and the group who bravely fought the invaders throughout the night - Bozo, Tuffy and Hot Wheels. Unfortunately, we don't see those latter three in this sequel, so their destiny remains a mystery. Generally, Feast II is a bit short on stars, but that's perfectly OK, since deep characterization isn't exactly the point of the whole thing.

 

Biker Queen (Diane Ayala Goldner) arrives in the vicinity in the search for her sister Harley Mom. Unfortunately, we'll remember that she was earlier blown up by Bozo (Balthazar Getty), so the only part of her that Biker Queen discovers is a severed hand. Harley Mom was also played by Diane Goldner, but since she's John Gulager's wife, it would be a shame if she didn't appear again, so she got a new (but essentially the same) part. Instead of her sister, she discovers the Bartender, who also died in the first movie, but since it's Clu Gulager (John Gulager's father), it turns out he was only heavily wounded. He informs the Biker Queen about what happened to her sister, so she and her gang tie him up and they all set out for a small neighboring town of Smalltown so she can find Bozo and wreak horrible vengeance of him.

 

Smalltown is in the meantime completely devastated by the monsters and there are only a handful of survivors. By chance, the gang runs into none other than Honey Pie, so it's the Bartender who gets the first opportunity for revenge. He immediately starts beating the hell out of her and he bites her ear off. Then the gang shoots some other people and are finally united with the other survivors, who are an even more colourful bunch than the one from the previous film. They include Slasher, a used cars salesman and one of the most entertaining characters in the series, Secrets, his cheating wife, Greg Swank (her lover, played by Tom Gulager, John Gulager's brother), Thunder and Lightning, the midget wrestlers and the owners of the local key shop, their grandmother and some other minor characters. Throughout the movie, the group tries to reach the only safe place in town and that's the jail. However, they can't reach it because of the monsters, and besides an old drunk has locked himself in and won't let anyone inside.

 

Feast II is certainly an acquired distaste (I almost said taste). While the first part wasn't exactly shy about gross outs, the sequel takes things to a whole new level by introducing such beauties and monster raping a cat, a dissection scene with monster fluids of various kind flowing everywhere, another child being explicitly eaten, a dwarf cut in half whining about his penis being cut off, a decomposing elderly lady and the infamous catapult scene which I won't spoil, but it's certainly one of the most insane and disturbing things you've seen in your life, and yet at the same time so hilarious that you'll spend almost the whole time rolling on the floor with laughter and hating yourself at the same time because there's nothing funny about it. Yeah, right!

 

The best thing about Feast II is the complete disregard for human existence. While there was some teamwork in the first part, here it's almost nonexistent. Slasher is perfectly happy to throw Greg to the monsters, not as a means of escape, but simply for revenge. Greg at first tries to save an infant trapped in a car, but then he throws it in the air and runs off while monsters eat the baby. At the end of the "successful" test of the catapult (resulting in the death of the midget grandma), Slasher sings and dances. The whole group simply throws an injured biker girl to the monsters, et cetera. This is precisely the reason why people who should know better dismiss it as being "poorly written", "having undeveloped characters", "not being scary" and similar crap, completely missing the point of the whole thing.

 

And the point is to be entertained while watching people suffer and dying. Well, not exactly "people", the characters here are one-dimensional caricatures, and that's the way we love it. They are not likable and we are not supposed to feel any kind of connection to any of them or to root for them. They are simply there to die and amuse us. And their deaths are unpredictable and almost without exception hilariously funny. Some are the result of the work of the monsters, some happen by pure accidents and sloppiness and there's also a handful of scenes of people killing other people. It doesn't make sense to talk about "leading" and "supporting" characters in the traditional sense because literally anyone could be dead at any minute. This whole series is notorious for its violence and monster bodily fluids, but for me it's this total disrespect for our fellow man (both by the writers and the characters in the film) that makes it so unique. This could have been made with far less explicit violence, maybe even without the monsters, and it would still retain its charm.

 

Sloppy Seconds is not as claustrophobic as the first movie. While the main theme is similar (some people locked in some place, fending off the monsters), it has more locations and more outdoor scenes, which is a welcome change.

 

If you are lucky and still haven't seen this film (provided that you love horror and comedy and are a bit crazy), do yourself a favor and assemble a group of equally bloodthirsty friends and enjoy like you've never enjoyed before.

 

A few words about the DVD. Unlike the previous one, this one is seriously lacking in extra material. The subtitles are missing again, and there are only a two short featurettes - the 10 minute making of, which is quite informative and entertaining, but obviously rather short, and the five minute "Meet the Gulagers", which is a nice look at the way the three generations of Gulagers appear in the movie. John is the director, his father Clu, wife Diana and brother Tom play some of the "lead" roles (put in quotes because of... just read one of the earlier paragraphs, dammit!) and the baby that meets an unfortunate demise at the hands of that bastard Greg is none other than Tom Gulager's infant son. So it all gives quite a funny perspective on some of the events - like Diana Goldner beating her father-in-law, or Tom Gulager throwing his own son to the monsters.

 

Feast II and Feast III were shot back-to-back and in fact pretty much constitute one movie, which was split into two simply for the running time. So, unlike the first part, this one ends more abruptly than the Lord of the Rings movies. Since it's in essence just one movie, everything I said for the second part also goes for the third part, so I hope its review won't be this long and boring. Over and out.

Feast (2006)

Directed by: John Gulager

Writers: Patrick Melton, Marcus Dunstan

Disclaimer: If you're expecting an objective review of this movie, you came to the wrong place. Feast (the whole series) is one of my favorite things ever and I love it to death. Every single second of each of the three movies. Okay, almost every single second (we'll come to that later). I pity people who are unable to enjoy it, because in this world there's nothing like Feast, never was and probably never will be, unless by some miracle we get Feast IV, and chances for that are really slim, seeing as how Dimension screwed up the Piranha franchise. Oh, well...

 

Now that we got that out of the way, what's this thing about, anyway? The plot is the simplest possible - patrons in a bar in a middle of nowhere are forced to fight off the invasion of some horrifying man-eating monsters of unknown origin (which is, strangely, explained in the trailer, but not in the movie). The bastards are fast, strong, ugly, extremely hard to kill and show zero regard for human life. This last thing also goes for some of the humans.

 

Surely, we have seen similar stories before, but its treatment is what elevates Feast and its sequels to the level of a masterpiece of modern cinema (note that I'm not saying "in my opinion". Feast is a masterpiece, it's a fact of life and people who think otherwise are simply wrong.) Basically, it all boils down one main thing: This is a perfect combination of horror and comedy and it succeeds where its more famous predecessors like An American Werewolf in London and Shaun of the Dead failed.

 

Simply put, this is the way to do it. An American Werewolf in London has some masterfully directed horror scenes (the beginning in the woods, that amazing subway sequence which makes you shiver, etc.), but it also has comedy (the porno movie scene, for example) which takes a lot of the impact of the horror scenes, so we end up with a movie that's too scary to be a comedy and too funny to be a horror. Similarly, Shaun of the Dead, even though it has zombies, is essentially a drama with some elements of comedy and horror, which are again clearly separated. For me this simply doesn't work (I'm one of the minority that prefers The Howling to An American Werewolf and I've never been a big fan of Shaun). If you already have great horror scenes, why downgrade them with comedy instead of making a pure horror? I think the real horror-comedy is just like a regular comedy, except it's too gruesome for you to show it to your grandmother. It has to have the same tone from the beginning to the end, where the comedy and horror scenes are not separated, but the comedy is contained in horror. So, the goal is not to have a scary scene where a werewolf kills a guy and then a funny scene where someone is telling a joke in a bar - you're supposed to have a funny scene where a werewolf kills a guy.

 

And Feast is that movie! It's a pure comedy from start to finish, and quite original at that. Right at the beginning we get a supercool infodump where each of the characters is introduced by an onscreen title, stating his or her name (or, rather, nickname), some fun fact and life expectancy. The real fun begins when we meet The Hero - he's handsome (I guess), charismatic, immediately takes the leadership, organizes the defense, gives orders and his life expectancy is, quote, "pretty f***ing good". And he dies two minutes later! So we are left with a leaderless motley crew of seemingly completely incapable losers and there's more than 80 minutes of the movie left! So right from the beginning you are aware that you're watching something different.

 

The non-stop fun here comes mainly from the movie's unpredictability. Melton and Dunstan simply avoided all clichés in their screenplay and in some scenes they made deliberate fun of them. For example, in all movies of this type (where a group of different people are forced to unite in a fight against a stronger enemy) there has to be a scene where someone takes the spotlight and starts to talk about working together, helping each other and similar crap. Here, Henry Rollins has the honor of having the opportunity to give an emotionally charged motivational speech to the others (all while he's wearing pink underpants) and while he encourages them, one guy rolls his eyes and Balthazar Getty simply asks "Are you gay?". This is just one example and the movie's full of them. If you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about, and if not - take my word for it, because I'm not spoiling more than necessary. Anyway, the fact that you simply have no idea who's going to die next and that everyone is primarily thinking of saving his (or her) own ass is a source of almost endless fun.

 

In addition to having brilliant and unpredictable characters, Feast is also a truly action packed movie. I've said that the monsters are deadly, so survival is the primary (and only) goal. Finally we have a film without stupid drama and stupid romances and big speeches and similar crap that almost always pops up and ruins everything. Not here. If the characters are not dying (which is pretty often), they are arguing with each other and making plans for the action, so we don't know who lost their father in Vietnam and who was left by their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife etc. - and we don't care! We only want to see another horrifying death (man or monster, it doesn't matter) and the movie flawlessly delivers. In short, watching people die has never been this fun (except in Feast 2 and 3).

 

Another thing where Feast is different than (most of) the other horror films is its gruesomeness. It's not just that the monsters are eating people, crushing their heads, tearing off the limbs, et cetera - there are other things that will make you think "Now did I just see THAT?". Just one example is when people in the bar decide to show one of the monsters they've killed to other monsters, to demonstrate the human superiority (another brilliant idea by Henry Rollins). So, what do the other monsters do? Naturally, they eat the body and immediately proceed to have monster sex, resulting in another small monster a few minutes later. Some of the things they do to people are even worse (for example, I could live without the head rape scene, but this "could / could not / live without this or that" discussion will be an important part of my upcoming review of Feast 2, so I won't elaborate further here).

 

John Gulager's direction perfectly fits Melton's and Dunstan's screenplay. The pace is extremely fast, the camera frantically flies all over, but manages to catch everything important (makers of found footage films, take note!) and it doesn't shy away from violence. If there's a scene where a head is supposed to be crushed, we see a head being crushed. When a heroine is beating a trapped monster's head, we see monster teeth flying all around. Nothing is left to our imagination and I'm grateful for that. Speaking of monsters, we get the opportunity to see them in full glory and they are really well made and horrifyingly ugly, thanks to some great make-up work by Gary J. Tunnicliffe.

 

Feast, while being innovative, original and unprecedentedly disgusting,  still retained some conventional storytelling elements (for example, most of the characters are not completely insane), which proved to be a winning combination for most horror fans. It's rightfully considered a cult classic now. However, the sequels inexplicably managed to surpass it in insanity, so I enjoyed them even more (!). They will be reviewed here shortly and at the end of the review for Feast 3 I'll bitch a bit about the wasted potential of the Piranha series (I'm not exactly sure what does that have to do with Feast, but it crossed my mind, so...)

 

Just a quick note about the DVD - it contains about 40 minutes of additional material, including deleted scenes, outtakes, the making of feature and some interviews. John Gulager, Marcus Dunstan, Patrick Melton (who's very thin and looks like a total nerd, just like me, hahaha! :-) ) and some of the producers offer some interesting information about how the movie was conceived and realized, but my favorite part is the interview with Gary J. Tunnicliffe, the mastermind who designed the monsters (and even played one of them). He's a really funny English guy, totally interesting to listen to. Look for the funny story about the way he told his father that he wanted to do make-up. If you're one of the two regular visitors of this blog, you might remember him as a co-writer and co-director of the horribly bad movie called Megalodon . Fortunately, his special effects are spot-on.

 

Anyway, this movie is brilliant. Get it. Seriously.

Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl (2009)

Directed by: Naoyuki Tomomatsu, Yoshihiro Nishimura

Writers: Shungicu Ushida (manga), Naoyuki Tomomatsu

Yoshihiro Nishimura has been one of my favorite directors ever since I saw the wonderful Tokyo Gore Police. I definitely prefer him to his colleague Noboru Iguchi, who (with the exception of The Machine Girl, which I loved) reaches for vulgar toilet humor too often, and besides, in my opinion, he harbours a bit unhealthy obsession with human ass.

 

Strictly speaking, Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl is primarily a Naoyuki Tomomatsu movie, but Nishimura is credited as a co-director and he also did the special effects, so he had a huge influence on the visual side of the movie, if not for the story. Speaking of Tomomatsu, his name wasn't familiar to me before, but after this movie I'll give him a chance, though titles like Rape Zombie: Lust of the Dead and Eating Schoolgirls don't promise something that would be my cup of tea.

 

Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl is a successful J-sploitation splatterfest, which works simply because it's so damn entertaining. If you've seen any of Nishimura's films, you'll promptly find yourself on familiar ground when some cheerful pop music starts to play while fountains of blood flow and severed body parts fly around in slow-motion.

 

Basically, it's a story of a high-school love triangle, where a poor young boy called Jyugon is sandwiched between Keiko, the vice principal's daughter and (I guess) the most popular girl at school, and Monami, an extremely cute newcomer with mysterious background, with both of them wanting him to be their boyfriend forever. So, why the hell did I just call him "poor"? Well, for one, Monami is a vampire and wants to turn him into one, and Keiko is a bitch, at least at the beginning. Then she dies, is revived by her father (who, in his free time, is an insane Dr. Frankenstein wannabe) and turned into a horrifying cut-and-paste monster made of body parts stolen from different people. And she's still a bitch! Jyugon chooses the lesser of two evils, so he and Monami are forced to fight the disturbingly enhanced Keiko and her mad father throughout the rest of the movie.

 

As with other similar films, the plot is just there to serve as an excuse (heh, like we would need one) for hilarious over-the-top violence, body parts abuse and colourful characters which never get boring. To list everything would be impossible (not to mention undesirable), but some of the highlights are a wrist cut competition, a club of black wannabe girls (this alone in America would probably put the author in jail for a long time due to racism), vice principal who dresses like a witch doctor, inventive body part combinations (a severed arm used as a propeller, eyeballs instead of nipples, to mention just a few trivial examples) and of course endless mutilations whose crowd pleasing potential is immense.

 

It's recommended to see this in the company of your male friends, especially if you can pair it with a similar but longer film, like Nishimura's Helldriver. You can also play it to your girlfriend if you want to get dumped quickly. Whatever you do, don't miss it.

Ghost Machine (2009)

Directed by: Chris Hartwill

Writers: Sven Hughes, Malachi Smyth, Sven Hughes (original story)

To tell you the truth, my hearing isn't what it used to be and I watched this movie late at night, so I wasn't able to turn the volume up as much as it was required. The point I'm getting to is - I heard almost nothing of what the characters were saying at the beginning, so I had only a vague idea of who they were and where the story took place. Sure, they are some military types and it's some kind of abandoned prison, I gathered that much, but I missed the finer details.

 

I guess it wasn't that important anyway. The point is - we have some people in some abandoned prison (presumably) and they set up a rather cool setup for a military virtual reality simulation. Basically, in the simulator they run through the same rooms and corridors that exist in the real life, with the difference that in the simulation they have full military equipment, including weapons of choice. Neat!

 

The slight problem is - a scary female ghost has infiltrated the simulation and is killing people right and left. And it has that irritating super power ripped off from Freddy Kruger that anyone who dies in the simulation dies for real. It also seems to have a power to modify the scenery, erase a staircase here, add a wall there and similar. It seems that sometimes being a ghost rocks.

 

Fortunately, it's not one of those scary long-haired Japanese ghosts, otherwise I would've promptly stop watching. The ghost is well done and a bit scary, but it doesn't stare at you through the screen and the way it eliminates people is anything but ghostly - it uses chains and brings devastating damage to their physical bodies.

 

For what it is, Ghost Machine is a finely made film that keeps interest throughout, but there's hardly anything spectacular in it. For this kind of movie, to elevate above the average status, one ghost is not enough. Had the budget allowed it, they could have made a full scale ghost vs. military war, where the ghosts would use a Hellraiser-like arsenal of chains, hooks and similar stuff, while the army would respond with their ultrafancy futuristic weapons like plasma guns, BFG 9000, railguns et cetera. Oh well, maybe in the sequel... Overall, Ghost Machine is far from a must-see, but it's worth checking it out for its rather original idea.

Road Rage (2000)

Directed by: Sidney J. Furie

Writer: Greg Mellott

 

 

Here's another review from the old blog. Click here to see this with some screenshots.

 

I don’t know how many of you are car chase scene addicts – I sure am! A car chase in a movie is like a great instrumental break in a rock song – it tends to overshadow everything else and I always wish there was more of it. Take for example the 1972 film Fear is the Key. It begins with a mindblowingly great (and long) car chase, but the rest wasn’t that good. In Bullit, which was of course a great film, car chase scene was the best part, too.



 

So what if someone made a movie consisting entirely of car chase(s)? Road Rage is that movie! Unfortunately, it’s really horrible. Okay, before we get into details, to respond to a question you’re asking – yes, of course, there’s Duel, a brilliant film, one that certainly predates Road Rage and serves as an obvious inspiration for it. However, Duel was primarily a thriller (or even horror), not an action movie. The main character being pursued for no reason by something large and terrifying and seemingly undestructible is a theme that has more in common with, say, Halloween than your regular car chase movies.

As much as I’d prefer to continue writing about Spielberg/Matheson’s masterpiece, sadly, we have to turn our attention to Road Rage, which, as I said, is a real action movie with lots of car chases and crashes. Similar to Duel, the main protagonists get into trouble straight away and are being chased to the very end. Everything else is different. First of all, there is no mystery about the pursuer’s identity – Casper Van Dien and his annoying female sidekick Sonia are being chased by her idiotic ex-boyfriend and his two equally idiotic friends. All three of them are dumb jocks (actually, two of them are, I don’t know about the third one) who look like they couldn’t tie their shoelaces, which is extremely disappointing especially if we, again, remember Duel and its mysterious antagonist whose face we never see.

 

Be that as it may, those three morons for some reason always appear on our heroes’ tail when they least expect it. They are never too upset about their truck exploding or falling off the side of the road or other similar minor annoyances. For example, they try to attack them on a gas station, hit a gas pump instead, there’s a big explosion, the truck is totally destroyed, but minutes later it’s as good as new. I don’t understand if they got a new one, or quickly fixed the one that exploded or... For a movie with such a simple story, it sure has its share of whatthehell moments. 

 

So, anyway, how the heck have they managed to ruin such a great and simple idea? Surely, a few continuity errors can’t be such a big issue. Well, the main problem is the screenwriter, who should be shot repeatedly in the head before he “writes” anything else (unfortunately, this movie is more than 10 years old and in the meantime he has “written” quite a few of them, which I’ll try my best to avoid). The characterization is absolutely horrible and the dialogs are the worst. Almost everyone has two or three (not very impressive) lines that they repeat over and over until you get sick. Take the main bad guy, the ex-boyfriend. Aside from looking like a complete dork, he constantly repeats how he loves Sonia. Remember, this is happening at the same time while he’s trying to kill her. His fat sidekick (the non-jock one) only cares about his truck not being damaged so it’s “You scratched my truck! Don’t hit my truck! You’ll ruin my truck! Don’t ruin my truck!” over and over and over again. As a bonus, his acting (if you can call it that) is terrible.

Sonia is really cute and while her conversations with Casper are made of the worst clichés ever (“You are a rich girl! You have everything!” “No, I don’t! My life sucks!” “No, it doesn’t!” “I love stars!” etc) it’s all relatively bearable until about halfway through the film when she finally loses her grip and starts yelling “I want to talk to him! Let me talk to him! Why is this happening to us? I wish I was dead! Let me die! I want to talk to him! Let me talk to him! Why is this happening? I want to die!” and similar. You get the idea. Anyone less cool than Casper would’ve probably thrown her out of the damn car under her stupid ex-boyfriend’s wheels. Anyway, Casper’s the only one that manages to fight the idiotic script and come out with some dignity left.

Or is he? There’s a scene when he and Sonia are out of gas and they stop a ranger (played by Catherine Oxenberg) to try to get a ride. The bad guys appear and immediately attack, Catherine gets out of the car and shoots at them, but they hit her and she rolls over to the side of the road. So, surely, our heroes immediately go there and help her, right? Wrong! They take her car and get the hell out of there without even turning their heads to see if she’s alive! And I presume we are supposed to root for them? Remember, this is Casper’s wife we are talking about! He probably had a lot of explaining (and dish washing!) to do to make up for that. If anyone cares, the ranger apparently did survive, but she didn’t appear again. Her sole purpose was to provide a new car after Casper’s limousine ran out of gas. 

 

Also, one of the first scenes in the movie is Casper being headbutted by that loser ex-boyfriend, which sucks big time. Johnny Rico would certainly have none of that!

 

Fortunately, the movie is not completely unwatchable. The action scenes are pretty cool, especially at the beginning, but there’s also some nice car chasing through the beautiful Canadian country at the end. Too bad they didn’t hire someone at least competent to write the script. Hell, I think even Kevin Smith would have written it better!

Camel Spiders (2011)

Directed by: Jim Wynorski

Writers: J. Brad Wilke, Jim Wynorski

With a title like this, you might thing that Camel Spiders is a part of the recent animal cross breeding craze that gave us such masterpieces as Sharktopus and Piranhaconda (to be honest, I haven't seen any of them, but unfortunately I'm going to). Unfortunately, camel spiders are real animals that look just like regular spiders, except that they're bigger and more CGI-driven. Reality is so boring!

 

The movie in Middle East or some similar place where the American troops are fighting some unnamed enemy. Suddenly, the fight is over, because the enemies have all been eaten by Camel Spiders (!). Some of those sneaky bastards find a way to infiltrate the coffin of a deceased American soldier and they are transported to America, where they start to multiply and grow to a horrible size. Oh, yeah, they also kill.

 

Alas, this movie was doomed right from the beginning. The computer animated spiders look absolutely horrible and it would have been a show-stopper even if all other things worked perfectly (which they don't). Everything is so generic and sterile, the setting is ugly, the killings laughable, but the worst thing is that everyone is so serious - the actors really seem to believe the horrible lines they're given, not to mention that they try their best to look terrified by the unconvincing spiders, which would bring a truck load of unintentional laughter just if it all weren't so damn boring.

 

Jim Wynorski hadn't made a good movie in about 20 years and he doesn't seem to have the intention to start now. Even his softcore films are more bearable than this.

Ninja the Protector (1986)

Directed by: Godfrey Ho

Writers: AAV Creative Unit (story), Godfrey Ho (screenplay)

 

One thing you might be wondering is who the hell is this "AAV Creative Unit" guy that supposedly wrote the, ahem, "story" for this film. Was it a (very) young Ron Artest or perhaps some previously unknown daughter of Frank Zappa? Who knows. What's more important is that the director is the infamous Godfrey Ho, the Orson Welles (or was it Ed Wood?) of Hong Kong ninja cinema.

 

This is my first Ho movie so I'm certainly no expert on his body of work, but from what I gather from the reviews written by more knowledgeable people, Ninja the Protector is totally consistent with his general "style" of filmmaking. AAV Creative Unit came up with an intriguing story of an evil ninja organisation that threatens to screw everything up. The police can't do much because (see the poster) only a ninja can defeat a ninja (!). Now where have we heard that already? Oh yeah, in just about every single ninja movie in existence.

 

But all is not lost - the leader of the police, played by Richard Harrison, is actually a ninja (!), so he spends part of the time in his office, explaining the grimness of the situation to his subordinates, and rest by walking around in his nicely coloured ninja outfit, beating the crap out of the evil ninja organisation's members and leaving them handcuffed for said subordinates to arrest and bring to the justice. Such a nice example of a split personality. Robert Louis Stevenson, eat your heart out!

 

However, this is not the only thing going on in the movie. To prevent the viewers from getting bored by the nonstop ninja action, Ho ingeniously created another subplot by inserting footage from some lame drama about two brothers, one of which is a model or something. Of course, with all the overdubbing, it's hard to know what (if anything) was going on in the original film, but in this one it is turned into a subplot of a police agent going undercover to infiltrate a model agency, which happens to be the cover for the more sinister doings of the Evil Ninja Organisation.

 

One thing you must absolutely avoid at all costs is trying to follow the "plot", as it will cause irreparable damage to your brain. Godfrey Ho is an artist and he's doesn't let such trivialities as logic and continuity get in the way of his creativity. More than once you will be baffled by some character mentioning the consequences of some event before that event has actually taken place. There's also a moment in which a character, through a flashback, remembers a soft and tender love scene which he didn't witness. The dubbing also has its own quirks - for example, in one scene a pissed off girlfriend, wanting to kick her boyfriend out, tells him to get off instead of out. Or maybe she really meant it?

 

It's not hard to see that Ninja the Protector is rightfully considered to be a masterpiece of modern cinema. Not only has Godfrey Ho given us two movies for the price of one (or perhaps none), bravely challenged our perception of time and space through the lack of continuity and the supernatural powers of the ninjas who are able to (dis)appear in a puff of smoke, not only has he given us a heartwarming drama that treats not only family relations but also the dangers of modelling (so we feel a massive relief when our lead character decides, quote, "to give up modelling immediately and lead a normal life"), drama powered by numerous but tasteful sex scenes (at least those that don't feature rape) that increase our sympathy for the characters (especially the one on the beach between the lead character's brother and some bimbo) - in addition to all this, we have an opportunity to listen to some really great music, like Jean Michel Jarre's Ethnicolor, Pink Floyd's One of These Days and many others. This music brings such depth to certain scenes that it was definitely worth stea... paying large sum of money for it.

The Super Ninja (1984)

Directed by: Wu Kuo-Jen

Writer(s): IMDb doesn't know, so how the hell would I?

Similar to the Sho Kosugi films we have already described, this one starts with a one-against-many fight where some white ninja kicks some serious ass. Of course, it's all some kind of final test that certifies that the tested one has enough skills to become a ninja. The big difference this time is that this is not an ordinary ninja... it's super ninja!

 

You might think that with such a cool name he has to be some kind of superhero among ninjas, someone whose skills are as high above those of common ninjas as Superman's superpowers are above ordinary humans, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Pretty much everyone here shows approximately the same skill and The Super Ninja triumphs simply because he's a good guy. While we're here, the fights in this movie are really well done. Alexander Lou (the Super Ninja) and Eugene Thomas (his black sidekick) are very skilled martial artists and similar could be said for their antagonists, the supernatural Five Elements Ninjas (don't ask), so there's enough ninja stuff to please everyone. (Incidentally, pay attention to the fact that we have a leading yellow-black heroic duo some fifteen years prior to Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker).

 

They say that the Japanese and Chinese treatments of ninjas are very different. I wouldn't know about that since I'm just starting to get into this whole ninja thing, but this film certainly does support that statement. While the movies in the Ninja series are certainly no Palme d'Or candidates (even though the second one deserved to be!), they are serious in their treatment of both the story and the action (well, except for the last one, which was downright silly).

 

On the other hand, let's see what The Super Ninja has to offer us: We start with the fight scene we have already mentioned, which shares the same general characteristics of all fight scenes in the movie - heavy use of wirework, various manipulations of the filmed footage, including slow-motions, speeding up and reversing, etc., impossible moves achieved by said means, et cetera. Then we have a scene of an attempted rape, prevented by our two heroes (but not before some nudity is shown), which sets the tone for the somewhat surprising sleaziness of the whole thing. For example, the girlfriend of the Super Ninja is felt up by some bastards twice in the movie and there's also an absolutely ridiculous, totally unromantic, by the lack of chemistry only comparable to scenes from Samurai Cop, insanely long sex scene that's just a few seconds shy (no pun intended here) of the impressive five minutes length (!). That's a long one, even by Jim Wynorski standards. And it ends with an extreme close-up of the girl's ass being held by the Super Ninja. Subtlety is for them obviously just something that happens to other people.

 

Of course, horrible overdubbing is a must, and the biggest victim of this was the black sidekick who sounded like a total pussy, which was such a contrast with his general appearance that I had a smile on my face every time he opened "his" mouth. Add to this the obligatory work-of-art dialogue like "You are a murderer! A filthy dirty rat! I'll break your neck for you!" and you have a clear winner, but The Super Ninja doesn't stop here (he's a super ninja, after all) - another treat that warmed my heart, made my day and brought a nostalgic reminder of the days long gone, was the pervasive anti-white racism. Our heroes' boss, for example, is one mean sleazy racist son of a bitch who often spews various race-based insults (nigger and stuff like that) at our heroes. They, on the other hand, don't exactly go to length to hide their despise toward the "white man world" (meaning: the worst possible kind), and Lou says to Thomas at one moment "For the love of the whites, the people you despise, you betray me? Now shoot! SHOOT!" (okay, that's a bit of a spoiler there, I'm sorry about that, but don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds like). I'm guessing if someone made something like this today, with, say, black people as bad guys, they would be promptly sent to jail.

 

This movie is a must see. With such hilarious action scenes and blatant in-your-face political incorrectness, if it doesn't get you, then you're already dead.

 

Ninja III: The Domination (1984)

Directed by: Sam Firstenberg

Writer: James R. Silke

 

 

After the great Revenge of the Ninja, it seemed that the producers Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus have found a winning formula for ninja movies. Ninja III: The Domination has the same writer and the same director as the previous movie, Sho Kosugi is here again in one of the leading roles, this time sporting a nice eyepatch over his left eye, and yet this movie is easily the weakest in the series. It's even worse than the first one.

 

The main problem, as it often happens, is a lack of quality action. Sho Kosugi is almost totally wasted here - he doesn't really start kicking ass until about one hour into the movie and only has time for one final fight with some bad guy, which was OK, but certainly nothing special. In the meantime we have some mainly uninspired killings by a girl who's possessed by some evil spirit, which leads us to another problem...

 

... which is that the story is stupid beyond belief! I don't know what kind of weed did Silke consume when he was writing this, but he made some kind of horror-action story that features evil spirits, possessions and even an exorcism! Take that, William Friedkin! Your movie may also have demons and exorcism, but it certainly doesn't have any ninjas! While I'm generally not against this kind of genre mixing, here it simply doesn't work. There's no memorable antagonist and the lame "horror" scenes consume valuable time, which could have been better used for some real ninja action.

 

Actually, the only reason to ever watch this is an amazing opening scene, which is perhaps the best sequence in the entire series. It features an evil ninja (actually another man possessed by the evil spirit or some evil sword or similar crap) killing some people on a golf course and then having an encounter with the police. You don't see such a carnage every day and it will surely fill your heart with joy to see so many dead policemen. This ninja is one mean mother and the way he kills dozens of cops with so little effort is simply amazing. For example, he gets rid of a helicopter pilot by throwing a shuriken at him with his foot (!) and kills some other cop by blowing a dart into the barrel of his gun.

 

Unfortunately, when this wonderful encounter ends, you can just turn off the movie because the best part is over. While this was the end of the Golan-Globus Ninja series with Sho Kosugi, they immediately went on to create another legendary ninja brand, American Ninja. We will talk about that one (and its sequels, of course) some other time.

Revenge of the Ninja (1983)

Directed by: Sam Firstenberg

Writer: James R. Silke

That's more like it! This "sequel" to Enter the Ninja is a vastly superior movie in every possible way. Better action, better characters, more interesting story, more ninjas (!), more deaths, all in all - much more fun.

 

Of course (we'll see this again in another "sequel", Ninja III), the film opens with some cool ninja action and a massive slaughter, which, unlike the one in the previous movie, happens to be real. Some nasty ninjas invade Sho Kosugi's peaceful home in his absence and kill his entire family. He arrives on the scene with an American sidekick too late to save the dear ones, but just in time to eliminate all of the attackers. The only person that survived the massacre is his newborn son.

 

Disillusioned with the ninja lifestyle that had cost him (almost) his entire family, Kosugi accepts his American sidekick's offer to move to America. Six years later, he's indeed in America, where he runs some kind of ninja gallery. His son is now a small schoolboy, but no less an asskicker than his dad, as we will see. Right at the beginning he easily dispatches a small group (five or six, I think) of annoying American bullies, but he does much more later in the movie.

 

The last person you should trust, if you're a Japanese, is your American sidekick. Sho Kosugi's American sidekick proves this when it turns out that he's actually a vicious heroine smuggler that uses his friend's (Kosugi's, that is) ninja figures to hide the drug. Bastard! Chaos ensues when the American sidekick gets pissed off at a mafia boss who's his potential buyer. He goes on murderous rampage that you have to see to believe it. He sports a black ninja outfit, complete with a scary mask that hides his face, so we technically don't know it's him, except that we do know it's him. But what's more important, he eliminates so many people so easily that it's just insane.

 

Then the town officials get concerned that this insane bastard might eliminate the entire US population, so they enlist the help of Sho Kosugi, because only a ninja can kill a ninja (!). And by the way, that other evil ninja also kidnapped his son in the process. As you might expect, the ultimate battle between the two ninjas (both of them wearing fine black outfits, the only difference being the bad guy's mask) takes place. I won't say it's as epic as, say, Bruce Lee's fight with Karim-Abdul Jabaar in Game of Death, but it's pretty damn close. Sure, they do a bit of that silly hand stuff at the beginning, but when it gets to the actual fight, it's great. This fight is also a bit silly at times, because the evil ninja for some reason teases Sho Kosugi with some special effects. For example, he reaches out of the pool and grabs his leg and when Kosugi cuts off his arm, it turns out it's an artificial arm. Weird.

 

All in all, this is simply a must see, not only for ninja fans, but for any action lover and B-movie fan in general. Almost non stop action, great choreography, charismatic bad guy, Sho Kosugi, even a cute blonde thrown in for a good measure... everything you could possibly want from a movie!



Enter the Ninja (1981)

Directed by: Menahem Golan

Writers: Dick Desmond (screen story and screenplay), Mike Stone (story)

We're gonna take a short break from all those horror movies and go into something completely different - a ninja movie! Having ninjas in movies warms my heart and fills it with joy. I know nothing about martial arts, but I sure like ninjas! Having said that, this movie was rather crappy :-(

 

Franco Nero plays some American guy who at the beginning kicks some serious ninja ass and kills many people, only it turns out that they're actually not dead because it was all part of his ninja training. Why would they bother with all those special effects, I have no idea. For example, his final step was to cut off the head of some old dude (apparently his teacher or something), but it turns out he didn't really do it, it was just a doll. Anyway, he becomes a ninja (sporting a cool white ninja outfit) and everyone's happy except Sho Kosugi, playing a mean spirited black ninja who, as I have understood, hates the fact that some whitey has become a ninja.

 

After finishing his training in Japan, Franco Nero travels to Philippines to visit some old friend and his wife. They own some kind of property, complete with fruit, workers and stuff, but they have problems with a rich bastard played by Christopher George, who wants to buy the land from them by force because there's oil there. Nero steps in, kills an insane amount of people and goes for Christopher George and his goofy henchmen.

 

There are two main problems with this movie: First, it can't decide whether it wants to be a comedy or straight action film. Nero is dead serious in the lead role (and he looks like Oliver Reed, too!), while Christopher George's villain is some kind of buffoon who you simply can't take seriously, which takes a lot of the impact of the action. Speaking of action, that's the second problem - there are some good fights, but there's simply not enough ninja action! Franco Nero kick ass left and right, it's true, but he rarely wears his supercool white costume. Sho Kosugi is good, but he doesn't have enough screen time. The inevitable fight between the two of them at the end is too short. So, the best part of the movie happens to be the opening credits, where some guy dressed in black (Kosugi himself, I presume) does some ninja stuff over some nice percussive music.

 

This is the first part of a "trilogy" of ninja films which have nothing in common except that all of them are produced by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus and have Sho Kosugi (but each time in a different role). I have already seen the "sequel", Revenge of the Ninja, and I can tell you already that it's much, much better than this one. It will be reviewed in a few days.

Snake Eater III... His Law (1992)

Directed by: George Erschbamer

Writers: John Dunning, W. Glenn Duncan (book Rafferty's Rules)

 

 

In my opinion, this final part of the legendary Snake Eater trilogy is actually the best in the series. Now, before the rabid fans of the first two parts tear me apart, let me try to justify this somewhat controversial statement: First of all, Snake Eater III is based on a book, which spices up its intellectual side a bit. And it has more breasts. I rest my case.

The influence of W. Glenn Duncan’s novel Rafferty’s Rules (which I haven’t read, but I’ll bet it’s a pure masterpiece) on the screenplay is obvious: Instead of rednecks, drug lords, mental institutions etc, we have a warm story of a biker gang that kidnapped a young reporter and spent several months drugging and raping her. When she finally escaped (or was let go, I don’t remember) she was so screwed up in the head that she automatically offered herself to anyone she met.

So, the girl’s parents are quite upset with this and they hire Lorenzo Lamas to track the bikers down and have them rubbed out, eliminated, maybe even killed. Initially, he refuses, saying that he doesn’t do that sort of thing, but when the girl’s mother replies “I think you do!” he immediately changes his mind and accepts. Someone with her persuasion skills would certainly be a fine addition to any RPG party.

The reason Lorenzo’s able to accept this time consuming task is that he’s suspended from the police again, this time for killing a guy who was trying to rob a cafeteria. I wonder if they have a limit on suspensions in the department... Anyway, now that Lorenzo has some free time, he finds himself a pretty cool sidekick named The Cowboy, who provides vital information for him and occasionally helps him kill people. Together they manage to bring down the gang and eliminate their leader, after which the girl is mysteriously cured. This sounds lake a lame horror movie, but that’s how it is.

Snake Eater III has all the action and humor of the first two parts, plus more nudity than both of them combined (which means simply more than the first, because the second one didn’t have any). All the main female characters take their clothes off at some point. For example, the girl that got tortured by the bikers (Valerie’s her name, I think) lifts her skirt and starts to pull down her panties immediately upon being introduced to Lorenzo, but unfortunately her boring father stops her (a short digression: If you analyze these movies carefully, you’ll notice that Lorenzo probably has some superpower that makes women strip in his presence).

The film has a good tempo and constantly alternates between fist fighting, shooting, sex and Lorenzo’s arniesque one-liners. The highlight is probably a scene in a bar where he fights this HUGE redneck, a moment of epic proportions, rivalling the legendary fight between Bruce Lee and Kareem Abdul-Jabaar in Game of Death. An interesting change from the previous installments is that Lorenzo has a full-time girlfriend in this one, which shows his romantic side. Of course, she’s completely useless, just like other female characters in the series.

 

Unfortunately, they have never made another Snake Eater movie and it burns my heart with sorrow. But at least Lorenzo went on and made many other brilliant movies.

Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster (1989)

Directed by: George Eschbamer

Writers: Don Carmody, John Dunning, Michael Paseornek

After a delay slightly longer than expected, we are back with another wonderful movie from Lorenzo Lamas' Snake Eater trilogy. The review is taken from here: http://speedtavern.blogspot.com/2011/10/snake-eater-ii-drug-buster-1989.html Click that link if you want to see some beautiful screenshots from the movie.

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Lorenzo Lamas returns as Jonathan “Soldier” Kelly in this sequel which is probably the weakest film in the trilogy, but that doesn’t mean it sucks or something, it’s just that it’s... the weakest film in the trilogy.

 

The story goes as follows: Lorenzo learns that a particularly nasty drug lord has been enrichening his merchandise with rat poison, which for some reason causes the death of some people. It comes as no surprise that Lorenzo is really pissed off and that he immediately sets sail for bringing down the said druglord and kicking his ass.

It’s also not a real surprise that he’s suspended; this time they don’t even bother to tell us why. This comes as a small problem for his mission, because he’s unable to use the standard police methods like shooting everyone and blowing everything up. Forced to keep a low profile again, he arms himself with a really big shotgun and goes to shoot everyone, but only manages to kill four or five bad guys before the police arrives.

He goes to trial, where his lawyer plays the temporary insanity (TM) card, resulting in him (Lorenzo, not the lawyer) being sent to a mental institution for evaluation, rather than jail. Apart from not being in jail, the institution has several upsides: First, the doctor that does the evaluation is a woman, so she eventually falls in love with Lorenzo. Second, the inmates are really a cool bunch, especially a crazy sex-obsessed former preacher whose “sermons” are probably the high point of the entire movie. Finally, the place is so well guarded that Lorenzo’s pals can go out and return unnoticed any time they like. They just don’t want to do it because the people outside are crazy.

Lorenzo however sees an opportunity and armed with his wit, fists and a black sidekick named Speedboat he goes about his business of destroying the evil drug master. Here lies the main problem with this movie – there’s a significant lack of fistfights.  Lorenzo and his pal base their operation on sabotage – for example, they blow up the evil guy’s warehouse, they poison his henchmen (and blow one of the up) in a restaurant, etc. etc. Finally, they get tired of that crap, kill the bastard and get arrested. End.

Anyway, it takes almost 80 minutes to get to the first fight, where Lorenzo is almost killed by this huge bearded guy, but luckily he notices a nearby bottle, breaks it on the guy’s head and then electrocutes him. We have a few shooting scenes, especially at the beginning and near the end of the movie, but we can say that in total this movie is a bit short on action.

All in all, as far as first two movies are concerned, I must say I’m not quite satisfied with Lorenzo’s performance in fights. However, he totally makes up for it with his superior endurance. This time he gets stabbed right in the back and later the aforementioned large bearded guy shoots him in the arm and in the leg, all of which does absolutely nothing to slow him, or even bring him any pain. Still, he should be more careful with his reputation – the way he walked right into the trap by not checking the corners of the room is really unflattering. A former Snake Eater should not allow that.

Female viewers would be interested to know that Lorenzo again takes his shirt off a few times, but doesn’t spend so much screen time topless as in the first movie. Male viewers should be warned that this time there’s no trace of female nudity.

Snake Eater (1988)

Directed by: George Erschbamer

Writers: Michael Paseornek, John Dunning

 

 

 

I have a confession to make: I had a movie blog before this one. In fact, I had tons of (crappy) blogs before this one, but the one I'm talking about is the one I actually liked. It was supposed to be about people who can kick your ass (like Lorenzo Lamas, Richard Norton, etc., leaving out the obvious ones like Chuck Norris or Arnie) and the reviews were pretty detailed and full of pictures. Of course, this was too much for me, putting those pictures was a real pain and it took me hours to update the damn thing each time. So I took a few months off and decided to create a different kind of blog, with shorter texts and without pictures, and also with a bit broader field of interest, which gives me the opportunity to update more frequently and ensure my readers (both of them) visit it regularly.

 

Still, I kinda like some of my old texts, so for the sake of completeness I'm gonna reprint them here, without the pictures. First, we're gonna cover Lorenzo Lamas' Snake Eater trilogy. The first movie was originally reviewed here: http://speedtavern.blogspot.com/2011/09/snake-eater-1988.html

 

And here goes the original text (click on the link above to see some screenshots):

 

 

 

This is the first part of a trilogy in which Lorenzo Lamas plays Jack “Soldier” Kelly, a former member of the Marines, currently a cop whose job is to look cool, make the women around him take their clothes off, deliver one-liners so devastating they would make Arnie blush and occasionally beat up some bad guy. In this movie he faces a band of Deliverance-style rednecks who killed his parents and kidnapped his sister, but we will get there in a moment.

First things first – the Snake Eaters are an elite division of the Marines whose speciality are actually the search & destroy missions and not something else that might have crossed your dirty mind. I’ll be first to admit that this was a relatively poor choice of words on the screenwriters’ part – they couldn’t theoretically have made it more gay, unless they’d named them Village People. And that one was already taken. Anyway, this is actually not that important, because, as I said earlier, Lorenzo is a former Snake Eater. The only thing that reminds us of his past is his belt buckle, which has a drawing of a snake on it. Apart from that, we are pleased to announce that Lorenzo doesn’t eat any snakes in any of the three movies.

Okay, anyway – the very beginning of the movie shows us a disastrous drug bust led by Lorenzo that got him suspended. Without going into too much detail, I will mention that we get to see a naked woman (she had to remove her clothes to show that she’s not wired, but she required the same of Lorenzo and he did it, but fortunately he kept his snake offscreen) and a general Dirty Harry attitude that drives his character. At the same time, said rednecks kill his parents and kidnap his sister with every intention of doing reeeaaally nasty things to her, like raping and stuff, but they never get around to that because something always interrupts. You would imagine they’d have some privacy deep in the woods, but no.  

Lorenzo doesn’t act in this one – he simply revels in his own coolness and generally keeps the same don’t-give-a-crap-gonna-kick-your-ass face expression throughout the movie, except for the very moment when he learns of the tragedy, when he looks down in sadness for about a second, but he gets back on the track really quickly.

Unfortunately, his self-confidence isn’t always followed by his actions. Of course, he did save the girl, but he also got himself into trouble far too many times, definitely more than someone of his reputation should allow. For example, the very first time he meets the rednecks, he starts a fight with them and gets heavily beaten (and there are only three of them!). He also steps into a bear trap, he gets shot etc., but luckily none of that does him any noticeable damage.

Snake Eater is a pretty good movie. It actually started great – the drug bust was really hilarious and after that we had a few juicy fistfights, all of that enriched with Lorenzo’s one-liners; unfortunately, things got a little quiet in the middle, with him trying stealth tactics to infiltrate the rednecks lair and all that, which was kinda gay. Also, the rednecks were totally inept and never managed to get any of the women to take their clothes off, which was a bit frustrating. Lorenzo, on the other hand, spends virtually the entire movie shirtless. Still, there’s enough action and humor to keep you entertained, so I would wholeheartedly recommend this one to all you B-movie lovers out there.