The Day (2011)

Directed by: Douglas Aarniokoski

Writer: Luke Passmore

 

Here's another siege movie that's set in a post-apocalyptic future just because why the hell not. Absolutely the same story could have been told in any setting, but this one is just so cool these days and besides it gives a perfect excuse for everyone feeling gloomy and depressed. Can't have a serious movie without a huge amount of pain, right guys?

 

However, even though The Day takes itself a bit too seriously, it's actually a perfectly watchable movie, mainly thanks to good actors, who somehow manage to alleviate the cheapness of the dialogues and generic characters. There are also some nice action sequences towards the end, but these suffer from extremely poor CGI blood, that's in sharp contrast with the overall pale, almost black and white photography.

 

One trap that the filmmakers managed to avoid is too much exposition. We follow a small group of characters who, through their conversations, do explain that some kind of apocalypse had happened (because, of course, actually showing us a destroyed city or some similar thing was clearly out of the question), but they never venture into overly detailed explanations. We also learn that they are trying to avoid some other people, but don't know exactly why until we learn it first hand later in the movie.

 

It seems that during or after the apocalypse most people turned into cannibals of some kind, and our five heroes are possibly the last normal human beings. They are going somewhere, occasionally finding shelter and food in abandoned houses, but never staying in one place for too long. The movie follows the events that screwed up the group, namely when it turned out that the house where they stayed for the night was a trap made by the cannibals.

 

Now, having a small group of survivors barricaded in a house, awaiting the attack of the cannibal hordes sounds like a scenario from heaven, but unfortunately those cannibals look and act exactly like normal people, except that they have some marks on their skin. So, the action scenes don't create any kind of feeling different from a regular action movie, and since the entire movie takes place in (and around) that one house in the country, there isn't any kind of special apocalyptic atmosphere. The most interesting thing is to follow the relations among the heroes themselves. Some nice plot twists happen (look for the scene with Shannyn Sossamom and the shotgun shells towards the end of the movie), nothing too original, but enough to keep you from falling into sleep. So, while I wouldn't recommend this movie for its (post)apocalyptic atmosphere, which is severely lacking, you can watch it for a decent (albeit totally unoriginal) story and solid performances.

Teenage Caveman (2002)

Directed by: Larry Clark

Writer: Christos N. Gage

 

Chances are you have probably heard of this movie before, and if you’ve read a few interviews you might have noticed that most people tend to easily dismiss it as pure crap. One of the reasons for this phenomenon is probably the fact that this movie is pure crap. Now, as is often the case with low budget movies, that doesn’t necessarily make it unwatchable. That depends on your tolerance to irritating teenage idiots and the amount of weed you currently possess. Personally, I’ve never smoked weed, but a cousin of mine who did said that it made him enjoy some pretty questionable films, so I thought it might help in this case, too.

What little story this complete failure of a movie has goes something like this: There’s this tribe in a post-apocalyptic future and it has this really annoying religious fanatic as a leader. He preaches abstinence and similar stuff, but that doesn’t prevent him from having piles of dirty magazines under the bed and from screwing all the attractive females in the tribe. Damn hypocrite! Well, we all know what Mel Brooks said about kings, right? (Hint: He said “It’s good to be the king!”). However, he really crosses the line when he choses none other than his son’s girlfriend for the honour of inserting his royal higness into her. The son gets pissed off, kills him and he and his girlfriend leave the tribe with a bunch of other nondescript (teenage) characters. For the brevity of the text, I skipped a few not so important scenes, like the son being sentenced to death.

So, the party, led by the late tribe leader’s son (whose name is David, but we will call him Ronald Reagan for the remainder of this review) and his girlfriend (Sarah, to be called Barbara Bush from now on) wanders through the post-apocalyptic wasteland, only to stumble upon the remains of a Great City, whose name isn’t mentioned, but someone on the IMDb said it was Seattle, so I guess it was... Seattle. However, we will call it Portland.

Portland is of course deserted, however, our “heroes” stumble upon two young people (have you noticed that everyone’s young in Larry Clark’s movies?) who live there and enjoy everything that modern technology has to offer, including, but not limited to, movies, music, drugs, jaccuzi baths, computers, drugs, paintings on the walls, drugs, music, drugs, alcohol, fancy shmancy scientific equipment, drugs and similar stuff. One of them is Tiffany Limos, whom you might now from another Larry Clark movie and the other is the late Richard Hillman who delivers one of the most ridiculous performances I’ve seen in a long time. I don’t want to speak ill of the dead, but damn my shoes if he isn’t overacting like a bastard son of Crispin Glover and Matthew Lillard.

 

Anyway, Ronald Reagan and his sidekicks have no knowledge of any of this modern stuff (as you may recall, they’d spent their entire lives in a primitive tribe), so they readily throw away the patriarchal bonds that binded them and plunge into the pool of drinking, heavy partying, drugs, sex, alcohol, loud music, sex, drugs, computer games, sex and similar things. All except Ronald Reagan and Barbara Bush, who find their hosts suspiciously suspicious, and for the right reason!

 

It turns out that these two are actually somehow genetically modified and thus immortal (!) and they want to use the unexpected guests for some sinister experiments. Ronald Reagan and Barbara Bush try to warn the others, but fortunately they are just too stupid to listen, so they all die by spontaneous combustion. Don’t ask, just thank the heavens for little things. After that, Richard Hillman’s character transforms into a hideous monster and dies and I’m sure Tiffany Limos also dies, I just can’t remember exactly how. Ronald Reagan is apparently infected with the same substance that made those two immortal (we will not dwell on the fact that they are both dead) so he takes Barbara Bush and returns to take the control of his old tribe. End. Sorry, I spoiled that for you.

The stupidity of the screenplay is something we can live with, however, the horrible acting and the characters that are more than irritating pose more of a problem. Fortunately, the fact that almost all of them die in horrible ways atones for that a bit. What also sucked is that the movie never provides a decent post-apocalyptic atmosphere. Everything takes place indoors (in two or three rooms) and even when they condescend to give us an outdoor scene or two, it just sucks and it’s boring and it doesn’t show anything interesting. The only thing (apart from almost everyone dying) that makes this at least semi-watchable is Larry Clark’s fascination with naked teenage bodies. He sets the record for the most gratuitous bath scene ever – in this one, all the main characters just hop naked into the bath together, immediately upon being introduced. It’s not completely unwise to stop watching the movie when that scene ends (what’s even wiser is also skipping the part before that).

A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (1990)

Directed by: Brett Piper

Writer: Brett Piper

 

I don’t care what everyone says, A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell is a piece of crap! Okay, everyone DOES say it’s a piece of crap, but that’s not the point. The point is - A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell is a piece of crap.

The main problem with A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell is that nothing really happens in it. There’s this girl, the aforementioned “nymphoid” barbarian (whatever that might be), who’s job is to constantly run away from other people, some bizarre half-human creatures and various dinosaurs in what’s supposed to be a post-apocalyptic world where prehistoric and prepubescent meet (don’t hit me, I didn’t come up with that, it’s from the trailer). If this doesn’t make any sense to you, remember that this is a Troma film – not making sense is not only allowed, it’s highly recommended.

Anyway, she runs, gets in trouble here and there, punches someone in the face, runs again, gets into trouble, this guy saves her, she runs, someone captures her, she runs away, then some mutants are fighting, then she runs, then she’s attacked by someone or something and just when you think they’re gonna get her, this guy appears and saves her and then she runs away, but (you won’t believe it) a DINOSAUR appears (!) and this guy saves her from the dinosaur but then some mutants appear and try to catch her so she punches them in the face and runs away (why didn’t she stay with that guy the whole time I don’t remember, I probably overslept) and after that she gets into trouble because there’s this guy (not that guy who saves her, but some other guy) who wants to capture her so she runs away but she’s finally captured but then a dinoaur appears and this guy (not that guy who captured her, but the guy who constantly saves her) fights the dinosaur and she runs away and then some mutants are fighting and...

You probably see where this is going. Due to the lack of dialogue, lack of actors (I wouldn’t really call that piece of wood that plays the main role “an actress”) and the direction that is deep below any acceptable level, all this gets boring after ten minutes or so – after a full hour and a half, you’ll feel like you just got out of a washing machine.

For better or for worse, A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell has a truly great trailer (?!) that looks like one of those faux trailers, made only for fun, that never actually get turned into full movies. Unfortunately, this one did.