State of Emergency (2011)

Directed by: Turner Clay


Writer: Turner Clay

People turning into bloodthirsty monsters because of a toxin of some kind? A small group of isolated survivors fights to stay alive? Count me in! When done right (such as here), this type of movies always brings joy to my heart.

First of all, a small technical matter: I think correct terminology is very important, so it always pisses me off when people talk about 28 Days Later or [REC] or some similar movie and call the creatures that appear there zombies. Those are NOT zombies! Zombies are living dead. Those are not dead, they are just infected and very angry. Basically, you have zombies (which themselves can be divided into two groups - Romero style zombies and fast running zombies, like in the Dawn of the Dead remake) and creatures like in 28 Days Later, which we will call infected. State of Emergency deals with this latter group.

The setting is rather minimalistic, both character-wise and location-wise. There are only four principal characters and two locations. Our lead hero is Jim, a guy who has just lost his fiancee while they were on the run from the chaos. He barricades himself in a barn, where he spends his time in sorrow and anxiety until he receives a call from a nearby warehouse. He goes there and meets another three survivors - Scott, his wife Julie, and a mysterious newcomer Ix, who refuses to talk to anyone (that's a girl, by the way).

Two most important things here are the following: 1) For an infection movie, this one has a rather small body count. Surprisingly small, in fact. Actually, it's so small that the fact they managed to get away with it is a small miracle. Turner Clay has concentrated more on the lead characters and their relationships and while that normally makes me puke, he succeeds against all odds because the characters are likeable, they don't spend every damn second fighting about some stupid crap (like in most low-budget films) and the actors did a very good job, all of them. Of course, the writing isn't always top notch, with lines like

"I lost my only friend."

"Maybe we can be friends."

I mean come on! REALLY???

Fortunately, this is probably the only moment that made me cringe, other than that the dialogues are OK.

2) This movie is much better directed than your run-of-the-mill zombie/infected film. So much better, in fact, that I'm eagerly awaiting Turner Clay's next movie about apocalypse. Instead of violence, he builds a nice atmosphere of isolation and hopelessness, which of course wouldn't have been worth crap if the characters weren't so believable. There are also some great scenes that would've made any great horror director proud. For example, check out the 15 minute mark, when Jim finds out that he had forgotten to lock the barn - suddenly his safe place becomes potentionally lethal. Suspense at its finest.

The ending leaves a lot of room for improvement, but despite that this is highly recommended for anyone who likes low budget horror films, especially of this type.

Apartment 143 (Emergo) (2011)

Directed by: Carles Torrens

Writer: Rodrigo Cortés

This is another found footage horror about a haunting, like Paranormal Activity. Fortunately, this one comes from Spain, and with Spanish horror you're usually in the safe hands. Apartment 143 follows a group of parapsychologists (or at least one parapsychologist and his ghost-hunting team) who try to solve a case of mysterious occurences in an apartment.

 

See, you can spot a difference right there. Instead of a haunted house, we have a much more claustrophobic setting of an apartment. This is by no means a disadvantage - Paranormal Activity and its sequels were never too good in space utilization, while in this movie all rooms serve a purpose. Anyway, our team of ghost hunters responds to a call from a distressed father, whose family (consisting of a five year old son and a teenage daughter) had been experiencing strange phenomena after the death of his wife.

 

Naturally, the investigators install their highly sofisticated equipment (including a bizarrely pixelated thingy whose purpose evades me) all around the apartment and start gathering scary footage, while at the same time the leader tries to pry out from the father the truth about his late wife, which might be the key to everything that's happening.

 

The story is simple, but it serves purpose - it gives enough material for a few plot twists to keep us interested. However, the real treat comes from the way the foreign entity (who- or whatever that might be) communicates with the characters. There's obviously that unavoidable mundane stuff like moving tables, turning pictures on the wall upside-down et cetera, but the real deal is that the thing apparently takes possession of the girl, making her a truly scary bitch in a few scenes. One of the first things the team records is a mysterious image of a woman in the room with the girl, so it's fairly obvious from the start that you won't watch an hour and a half of doors opening and closing by themselves and that you'll witness some more concrete scares.

 

This nice little film shows that the found footage formula is not entirely dead and still can be used to a good effect. It's so unfair that Paranormal Activity, which is inferior in every possible aspect, makes millions, but that's marketing for you.

 

Camel Spiders (2011)

Directed by: Jim Wynorski

Writers: J. Brad Wilke, Jim Wynorski

With a title like this, you might thing that Camel Spiders is a part of the recent animal cross breeding craze that gave us such masterpieces as Sharktopus and Piranhaconda (to be honest, I haven't seen any of them, but unfortunately I'm going to). Unfortunately, camel spiders are real animals that look just like regular spiders, except that they're bigger and more CGI-driven. Reality is so boring!

 

The movie in Middle East or some similar place where the American troops are fighting some unnamed enemy. Suddenly, the fight is over, because the enemies have all been eaten by Camel Spiders (!). Some of those sneaky bastards find a way to infiltrate the coffin of a deceased American soldier and they are transported to America, where they start to multiply and grow to a horrible size. Oh, yeah, they also kill.

 

Alas, this movie was doomed right from the beginning. The computer animated spiders look absolutely horrible and it would have been a show-stopper even if all other things worked perfectly (which they don't). Everything is so generic and sterile, the setting is ugly, the killings laughable, but the worst thing is that everyone is so serious - the actors really seem to believe the horrible lines they're given, not to mention that they try their best to look terrified by the unconvincing spiders, which would bring a truck load of unintentional laughter just if it all weren't so damn boring.

 

Jim Wynorski hadn't made a good movie in about 20 years and he doesn't seem to have the intention to start now. Even his softcore films are more bearable than this.

The Day (2011)

Directed by: Douglas Aarniokoski

Writer: Luke Passmore

 

Here's another siege movie that's set in a post-apocalyptic future just because why the hell not. Absolutely the same story could have been told in any setting, but this one is just so cool these days and besides it gives a perfect excuse for everyone feeling gloomy and depressed. Can't have a serious movie without a huge amount of pain, right guys?

 

However, even though The Day takes itself a bit too seriously, it's actually a perfectly watchable movie, mainly thanks to good actors, who somehow manage to alleviate the cheapness of the dialogues and generic characters. There are also some nice action sequences towards the end, but these suffer from extremely poor CGI blood, that's in sharp contrast with the overall pale, almost black and white photography.

 

One trap that the filmmakers managed to avoid is too much exposition. We follow a small group of characters who, through their conversations, do explain that some kind of apocalypse had happened (because, of course, actually showing us a destroyed city or some similar thing was clearly out of the question), but they never venture into overly detailed explanations. We also learn that they are trying to avoid some other people, but don't know exactly why until we learn it first hand later in the movie.

 

It seems that during or after the apocalypse most people turned into cannibals of some kind, and our five heroes are possibly the last normal human beings. They are going somewhere, occasionally finding shelter and food in abandoned houses, but never staying in one place for too long. The movie follows the events that screwed up the group, namely when it turned out that the house where they stayed for the night was a trap made by the cannibals.

 

Now, having a small group of survivors barricaded in a house, awaiting the attack of the cannibal hordes sounds like a scenario from heaven, but unfortunately those cannibals look and act exactly like normal people, except that they have some marks on their skin. So, the action scenes don't create any kind of feeling different from a regular action movie, and since the entire movie takes place in (and around) that one house in the country, there isn't any kind of special apocalyptic atmosphere. The most interesting thing is to follow the relations among the heroes themselves. Some nice plot twists happen (look for the scene with Shannyn Sossamom and the shotgun shells towards the end of the movie), nothing too original, but enough to keep you from falling into sleep. So, while I wouldn't recommend this movie for its (post)apocalyptic atmosphere, which is severely lacking, you can watch it for a decent (albeit totally unoriginal) story and solid performances.

Mr. Hush (2011)

Directed by: David Lee Madison

Writer: David Lee Madison

 

 

Mr. Hush is a film so disastrously horrible in every possible way that I felt sorry for everyone involved in making it. I felt sorry for Jessica Cameron (who was my number one reason for seeing it) and Stephen Geoffreys, who must have remembered with sadness the days when he played in comparative masterpieces like Latin Crotch Rockets, Just 18 and Gay and Transsexual Prostitutes 2. I felt even more sorry for David Lee Madison because he's, after all, the one responsible for all this mess. A small consolation for him may be that some really big names started their careers with lame movies (Wes Craven and Sam Peckinpah come to mind). But above all I felt sorry for myself and the time I wasted - I would've been better off watching Howling 6 for the fifth time.

The movie starts by introducing us to the lead character, Holland Price, who is such a nice guy. He has a very nice wife and a daughter who's, you won't believe it, also very nice. Holland's character is further developed by him being nice to all the trick-or-treaters that knocked on the door (did I forget to mention that it's Halloween night? Well, it's Halloween night). Just when you think there there's simply no more room to any further niceness, Holland takes it up to eleven by letting a strange priest come inside the house and use the phone because his bus full of children broke down or something.

The priest asks to use the bathroom first, but then quickly changes his mind and kills Holland's wife (exit Jessica Cameron) and apparently the daughter. Because, surprise, surprise, the "priest" is actually not a priest at all, but Mr. Hush (!). Who'd have thought? Anyway, Holland runs upstairs to see what had happened to his daughter and lets out a desperate scream. However, whatever he did (not) see, remained off screen.

Right after that we cut to a completely different scene. Holland is sitting in a doctor's (dentist's?) chair and the doctor (dentist?) prepares his tools. Then he approaches Holland with some scary instruments in his hand and our hair goes grey and our hearts sink to the bottom of the pool of depression when we realise that the doctor (dentist?) is actually... you won't believe what you're about to read... Mr. Hush (!).

Holland screams and wakes from the horribly confusing prologue. Apparently, it's ten years after the sad event of Mr. Hush killing Holland's family (sorry Holland, I'll stop rubbing it in very soon). He lives in a tent on some meadow with some sidekick and works as a dishwasher at some nearby café, or a restaurant, or some crap like that. Well, his career may be in full blossom, but he still can't forget the tragedy that befell him ten years before, when Mr. Hush invaded his peaceful home and slaughtered Jessica Cameron, and also did some unnamed thing to their daughter.

His colleague (hold on a sec while I look for her name on IMDb) Debbie (does Dallas) has a crush on him. So, after exchanging their sad life stories (what better foreplay than a personal tragedy, right?) they become lovers of some kind. Debbie (does Dallas), by the way, has a daughter that's of similar age to Holland's. One night they are having a dinner together and someone rings the ring on the front door and it turns out to be... wait for it... Mr. Hush (!), who immediately proceeds to slaughter Debbie (does Dallas). Holland screams again to no avail, and then passes out and finds himself tied up on a chair in some basement.

You might at this point think that Mr. Hush might possibly have something against Holland and you would be right. Mr. Hush is actually a vampire (!), whose wife was killed by Holland's grandfather decades ago. Ain't life a bitch? So, but that twisted vampire moral logic, he reckons he has a right to torment Holland for the rest of his life and kill every woman he lays his hands on. The bastard.

Our hero is understandably less than happy about this turn of events, so he throws myriads of insults at Mr. Hush and his sidekick Stephen Geoffreys. Then he has a dream about his grandmother, who informs him that there's something strange about Mr. Hush (but that's not much help for the audience, because anyone who had seen at least one horror movie already knows that he's a vampire). Fortunately, after it's been spelled out for the slowest members of the audience, there's no need for Mr. Hush to hide his true self (so far he appeared only in his human uniform), so he transforms into a sickest looking vampire son of a bitch I've seen since Max Schreck. When you first see him, it's not easy to decide whether he's simply ridiculous or downright disturbing. The final showdown between Good and Evil may begin.

It's hard to say what's the worst thing about this movie. The writing is horrible - half of the scenes in the movie (the nightmare scene at the beginning, the dream scene later, Mr. Hush and Stephen Geoffreys buying a coffin, etc.) are simply useless and serve absolutely no purpose and the quality of the dialogue makes the Magic Bullet Infomercial look like an excerpt from a Quentin Tarantino movie. The editing is next to nonexisting, with many scenes featuring completely fixed camera position and almost no cuts - as if you're in a theatre. The directing takes out even the slim potential for suspense that existed in the totally incompetent screenplay and don't even get me started about photography and the rest. The few unintentional laughs in some scenes (like for example the second murder scene) can't make up for the rest of the movie which feels like an eternity of pain.

Barely Legal (2011)

Directed by: Jose Montesinos

Writer: Naomi Selfman

 

 

As we all know, the quality of The Asylum “films” (if you can call them that) generally ranges from simply unwatchable to “I want to rip out my eyes and pierce my ears and jump into a pool full of piranhas” kind of unwatchable. If you’ve seen one, you know the amount of pain it brings. However, there are a few titles (I’ve counted three so far) that by sheer fluke aren’t that devastating for your mental health. Mind you, certainly not because they are less stupid than the others, hell no! The fact is that they have certain other… “qualities” (hehe) worth mentioning. So, to repeat, if you see that a movie is from The Asylum kitchen, you are to avoid at all costs, unless it’s one of those (so far) three we’re going to review here. Now we’ll cover Barely Legal, and the other two are Snakes on a Train and Invasion of the Pod People.

Barely Legal is a “comedy” that’s by no means less idiotic than other films by this company. It’s kind of an inverted American Pie story – we have three smoking hot girls, all turning 18 on the same day, on the mission of losing virginity during their birthday party. It turns out that’s not as easy as it sounds (!)

Our three heroines correspond to stereotypes established long ago – one is smart (or, rather, less stupid than the other two), the other is a slut (yep, I guess this is the first time that we have a movie with a virgin slut) and the third is kind of a religious freak. The only inversion is that the “smart” one is actually a blonde. It takes really high disbelief suspension powers to swallow the story of three best friends sharing birthday and living together in a huge mansion with a swimming pool and everything. No parents are mentioned here, so it’s unclear who pays for all that.

Much more disappointing is the fact that this movie never manages to reach the atmosphere of those party movies it tries to copy. From the beginning, we are being promised that the 18^th birthday party will be something spectacular, never seen before, blah blah blah, however, when it actually starts, we never have that impression. Occasionally we meet some characters wandering around, sometimes something happens, but at all times it’s painfully obvious that there wasn’t enough money to hire the required number of actors for this kind of thing.

As far as comedy goes, it’s completely unfunny from the first to the last second, but thankfully it also manages not to be terribly disgusting. One notable exception is a scene of oral sex with a dog. I could really live without that one.

It’s obvious that it’s a horrible movie that fails both as a comedy and… well, as a film, so question is – why would anyone watch this? The answer is simple – this movie contains a ridiculous amount of nudity, far, far beyond what its more famous competitors like American Pie are willing to show. Once the party starts, it’s not easy to find a scene where no one is naked. All three lead actresses repeatedly take their clothes off and a huge, huuuuuuge plus is that all three of them are natural from head to toe. So, I would certainly recommend you to watch this one and feast your eyes. To reduce the amount of stupidity to which you’re going to be subjected, you can mute the movie and play some music of your own preference. Double win!