Inara, the Jungle Girl (2012)

Directed by: Patrick Desmarattes

Writer: Patrick Desmarattes

This film opens with some idiot rambling incoherently on and on and on about something before some other guy mercifully shoots him down, and it all takes place in some kind of jungle. Then we have the opening credits where most of the names look as if taken straight from a porno movie. Cali Danger? Madison Kitten? Sam SEXTON? I mean what the hell? Basically, at this point you're probably already aware that you're in deep trouble, but if you still have some doubts (hopeless optimist, eh?), the following few minutes will effectively shoot them down.

 

First we have an emo song (played in entirety, like three or four minutes) which introduces our lead character Inara, who's the daughter of some soldier who died recently. During that crappy song she mourns him and at the same time brings a whole new meaning to the words "bad acting". Then she talks to her father's superior officer (I forgot what was his rank exactly) and that useless conversation is quickly followed by yet another "song" during which Inara gets wasted with alcohol and then gets in fight with some military assholes whom she easily beats because her father taught her how to fight and other cool stuff.

 

This is only the first 10-12 minutes. Long story short - she agrees to go on a mission to some remote island, hoping to find clues about her father's death. The purpose of the mission is to get some precious material from the jungle that's swarming with hostile natives. But lo and behold! - the plane crashes, Inara survives and is taken hostage by the natives, who happen to be an all-female tribe (!) Yippeeee! You won't believe what happens next - there's a female bonding, our heroine learns the badness of the ways of the white man, joins the female team, becomes their queen and they kick ass! Eat that, James Cameron!

 

Every single scene in this movie is a mini-torture in itself. The entire budget of approximately 12 dollars obviously went to the pockets of mega stars like Cali Danger and Madison Kitten, so there was nothing left for less important things like special effects, military uniforms, locations, things like that. I won't even go into the sheer beauty of the screenplay and those passionate dialogues that make your heart (and the content of your stomach) want to jump out. Or how our heroine bonded with the natives (it was something like this: "We hate you and we'll kill you... OK, we're bonded"). The fight scene at the end is the most unconvincing thing ever (it's less realistic than the scenes of total destruction from Roland Emmerich's 2012). Quite simply put - there's not a single thing in this movie that's not the worst ever.

 

The only way this could possibly have worked is if all females were naked all the time, which they aren't. The tribe members sport nice two part swimsuits that successfully bring pain and misery to any viewer. If you imagine the worst possible softcore film by Jim Wynorski or Fred Olen Ray and take out all the nudity, you'll end up with something that looks like Godfather when compared with this one. Patrick Desmarattes, I really have nothing against you, I know it's a wonderful thing to make a movie, but please don't make a career out of this.

Mr. Hush (2011)

Directed by: David Lee Madison

Writer: David Lee Madison

 

 

Mr. Hush is a film so disastrously horrible in every possible way that I felt sorry for everyone involved in making it. I felt sorry for Jessica Cameron (who was my number one reason for seeing it) and Stephen Geoffreys, who must have remembered with sadness the days when he played in comparative masterpieces like Latin Crotch Rockets, Just 18 and Gay and Transsexual Prostitutes 2. I felt even more sorry for David Lee Madison because he's, after all, the one responsible for all this mess. A small consolation for him may be that some really big names started their careers with lame movies (Wes Craven and Sam Peckinpah come to mind). But above all I felt sorry for myself and the time I wasted - I would've been better off watching Howling 6 for the fifth time.

The movie starts by introducing us to the lead character, Holland Price, who is such a nice guy. He has a very nice wife and a daughter who's, you won't believe it, also very nice. Holland's character is further developed by him being nice to all the trick-or-treaters that knocked on the door (did I forget to mention that it's Halloween night? Well, it's Halloween night). Just when you think there there's simply no more room to any further niceness, Holland takes it up to eleven by letting a strange priest come inside the house and use the phone because his bus full of children broke down or something.

The priest asks to use the bathroom first, but then quickly changes his mind and kills Holland's wife (exit Jessica Cameron) and apparently the daughter. Because, surprise, surprise, the "priest" is actually not a priest at all, but Mr. Hush (!). Who'd have thought? Anyway, Holland runs upstairs to see what had happened to his daughter and lets out a desperate scream. However, whatever he did (not) see, remained off screen.

Right after that we cut to a completely different scene. Holland is sitting in a doctor's (dentist's?) chair and the doctor (dentist?) prepares his tools. Then he approaches Holland with some scary instruments in his hand and our hair goes grey and our hearts sink to the bottom of the pool of depression when we realise that the doctor (dentist?) is actually... you won't believe what you're about to read... Mr. Hush (!).

Holland screams and wakes from the horribly confusing prologue. Apparently, it's ten years after the sad event of Mr. Hush killing Holland's family (sorry Holland, I'll stop rubbing it in very soon). He lives in a tent on some meadow with some sidekick and works as a dishwasher at some nearby café, or a restaurant, or some crap like that. Well, his career may be in full blossom, but he still can't forget the tragedy that befell him ten years before, when Mr. Hush invaded his peaceful home and slaughtered Jessica Cameron, and also did some unnamed thing to their daughter.

His colleague (hold on a sec while I look for her name on IMDb) Debbie (does Dallas) has a crush on him. So, after exchanging their sad life stories (what better foreplay than a personal tragedy, right?) they become lovers of some kind. Debbie (does Dallas), by the way, has a daughter that's of similar age to Holland's. One night they are having a dinner together and someone rings the ring on the front door and it turns out to be... wait for it... Mr. Hush (!), who immediately proceeds to slaughter Debbie (does Dallas). Holland screams again to no avail, and then passes out and finds himself tied up on a chair in some basement.

You might at this point think that Mr. Hush might possibly have something against Holland and you would be right. Mr. Hush is actually a vampire (!), whose wife was killed by Holland's grandfather decades ago. Ain't life a bitch? So, but that twisted vampire moral logic, he reckons he has a right to torment Holland for the rest of his life and kill every woman he lays his hands on. The bastard.

Our hero is understandably less than happy about this turn of events, so he throws myriads of insults at Mr. Hush and his sidekick Stephen Geoffreys. Then he has a dream about his grandmother, who informs him that there's something strange about Mr. Hush (but that's not much help for the audience, because anyone who had seen at least one horror movie already knows that he's a vampire). Fortunately, after it's been spelled out for the slowest members of the audience, there's no need for Mr. Hush to hide his true self (so far he appeared only in his human uniform), so he transforms into a sickest looking vampire son of a bitch I've seen since Max Schreck. When you first see him, it's not easy to decide whether he's simply ridiculous or downright disturbing. The final showdown between Good and Evil may begin.

It's hard to say what's the worst thing about this movie. The writing is horrible - half of the scenes in the movie (the nightmare scene at the beginning, the dream scene later, Mr. Hush and Stephen Geoffreys buying a coffin, etc.) are simply useless and serve absolutely no purpose and the quality of the dialogue makes the Magic Bullet Infomercial look like an excerpt from a Quentin Tarantino movie. The editing is next to nonexisting, with many scenes featuring completely fixed camera position and almost no cuts - as if you're in a theatre. The directing takes out even the slim potential for suspense that existed in the totally incompetent screenplay and don't even get me started about photography and the rest. The few unintentional laughs in some scenes (like for example the second murder scene) can't make up for the rest of the movie which feels like an eternity of pain.

A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (1990)

Directed by: Brett Piper

Writer: Brett Piper

 

I don’t care what everyone says, A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell is a piece of crap! Okay, everyone DOES say it’s a piece of crap, but that’s not the point. The point is - A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell is a piece of crap.

The main problem with A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell is that nothing really happens in it. There’s this girl, the aforementioned “nymphoid” barbarian (whatever that might be), who’s job is to constantly run away from other people, some bizarre half-human creatures and various dinosaurs in what’s supposed to be a post-apocalyptic world where prehistoric and prepubescent meet (don’t hit me, I didn’t come up with that, it’s from the trailer). If this doesn’t make any sense to you, remember that this is a Troma film – not making sense is not only allowed, it’s highly recommended.

Anyway, she runs, gets in trouble here and there, punches someone in the face, runs again, gets into trouble, this guy saves her, she runs, someone captures her, she runs away, then some mutants are fighting, then she runs, then she’s attacked by someone or something and just when you think they’re gonna get her, this guy appears and saves her and then she runs away, but (you won’t believe it) a DINOSAUR appears (!) and this guy saves her from the dinosaur but then some mutants appear and try to catch her so she punches them in the face and runs away (why didn’t she stay with that guy the whole time I don’t remember, I probably overslept) and after that she gets into trouble because there’s this guy (not that guy who saves her, but some other guy) who wants to capture her so she runs away but she’s finally captured but then a dinoaur appears and this guy (not that guy who captured her, but the guy who constantly saves her) fights the dinosaur and she runs away and then some mutants are fighting and...

You probably see where this is going. Due to the lack of dialogue, lack of actors (I wouldn’t really call that piece of wood that plays the main role “an actress”) and the direction that is deep below any acceptable level, all this gets boring after ten minutes or so – after a full hour and a half, you’ll feel like you just got out of a washing machine.

For better or for worse, A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell has a truly great trailer (?!) that looks like one of those faux trailers, made only for fun, that never actually get turned into full movies. Unfortunately, this one did.

 

Matango (1963)

Directed by: Ishirô Honda

Writers: Takeshi Kimura, Shinichi Hoshi, Masami Fukushima, William Hope Hodgson (story “The Voice in the Night”)

 

Now I’m going to spoil this movie for you, so if you plan to see it for the first time (which I seriously DON’T recommend), then get lost. Spoilers starting from the next paragraph.

OK, then: Some Japanese people find themselves on a mysterious island after a shipwreck or something and they turn into mushrooms. End. Not much of a story, as you can see, but the bigger problem is that the movie hardly contains much of anything. First we are treated with a really long and boring boat sequence where we get introduced to a bunch of completely uninteresting characters, followed by a really long and boring sequence of island exploring, where we find out that something is very very wrong there. After that, there’s a really long and boring obligatory sequence where those unmemorable characters fight each other for some reason and then, finally, there’s a short (but equally boring) part where they turn into mushrooms.

This kind of body horror could have a great potential, but this movie is never scary or disturbing. If anything, it’s just psychedelic (particularly near the end). If you’re going to turn into mushroom, you have to have your body slowly disfigured over time, with numerous disturbing discoveries (“Hey, what is this stem doing over my left eye? Haven’t noticed it before!”), but in this movie we just notice that people occasionally go missing and later see some really large mushrooms (or, rather, collections of mushrooms) and we have to conclude it’s them. Well, screw that! Someone should hire Yoshihiro Nishimura to remake this.