War Wolves (2009)

Directed by: Michael Worth

 

Writer: Michael Worth

 

 

 

 

 

The best short description of this movie would probably be - an action horror psychological drama about werewolves without werewolves. If you're a fan of werewolves (and who the heck isn't?) it's best to accept straight away that the creatures you're about to see are a completely different thing, it will reduce your suffering significantly. True, you could reduce it even further by watching something else, but what fun is life without pain?

 

The beginning of the movie, which of course sets the tone for everything that follows, is stunningly confusing and is a prime example of how not to direct anything. Some people (soldiers) are playing football (or, rather, that weird game similar to rugby that Americans like to call football even though it's mostly played by hands) somewhere. No idea who they are and where they are. Before we get a chance to even begin to get to know them, they are suddenly on a battlefield somewhere (no idea where) and are having their asses kicked by some bloodthirsty creatures. Of course, we don't see any violence or anything else even remotely interesting. Before we even get a chance to begin to understand what's going on, we are thrown a few months (or years?) forward. It appears that those soldiers are actually not dead, but have been bitten by the not-werewolf creatures and most of them are now turned into not-werewolves themselves. The only one who's still fighting the disease is, conveniently, Michael Worth, the writer/director of this mess. Some hot not-werewolf chicks (one of them his (former?) girlfriend) are coming to get him and make him join the dark side.

 

But that's not all! There's some hope for human kind after all - the pair of mean not-werewolf ass kickers Tim Thomerson and John Saxon are also in the vicinity and they also seek Michael Worth. What follows is an epic battle between good and ev... oh, sorry, I mixed it up with Lord of the Rings for some reason. What follows is a series of completely irrelevant and uninteresting events which leads, I think, to good guys winning or something. In the process, we get to see one of the most idiotic seduction scenes in history. I was going to post it here, but I can't find it on YouTube, so I guess you'll have to watch the movie after all. Tough luck.

 

The worst thing here (I'm assuming we are prepared for horrible script, weak direction, bad acting, etc.) is the way the monsters look. If you've ever seen a decent werewolf movie, you know that when someone's turning into one of them his teeth and nails grow, his ears get pointy, the nose starts to change etc. That there's the hair growth and then a complete change. But the creatures here never progress beyond this initial point. It's just big teeth and nails (and ears). I mean come on! If they had the money to create real werewolves, the movie would have been... well, it still would have been horrible, but at least it would have had werewolves! Give this one a miss.