A Haunting At Silver Falls (2013)

Directed by: Brett Donowho

Writers: Cam Cannon, Rachel Long, Brian Pittman

 

This starts off like a fairly standard ghost picture. Our heroine is a young girl who lost her parents, so she's staying with her aunt and her husband and one night she finds a ring that she puts on and can't take off later. Immediately after that she starts having a heavy case of ghost haunting - apparently, she's being chased by the spirits of two long gone twin sisters who want their damn ring back.

 

She's not exactly getting along with her aunt (or anyone else, come to think of it) and her only solace is a her nerd boyfriend who's a spitting image of a teen version of Eli Roth. However, soon it turns out that the spirits that haunt her don't mean harm - in fact, their father had been wrongfully accused for killing them and they are trying to lead her to the real perpetrator.

 

To me this idea was very appealing. With everyone (especially her relatives) acting more and more strange, it soon turns out that the only persons she can trust are - the dead twin sisters. It doesn't happen very often that you root for ghosts against the living people, so this movie has a point for originality because of that. Also, I quite liked the middle part of it, because it had a very nice kind of tense atmosphere where everyone seemed to be after our heroine.

 

However, everything falls apart at the ending, which is confusing and leaves heaps of questions unanswered. It's not the Michael Haneke kind of open ending, where you have to figure out what happened yourself (like in Hidden, for example) but rather a shining example of sloppy writing.

 

Still, this all makes for a rather pleasant and interesting viewing. If you liked this movie (and even if you didn't) I heartily recommend you watch Frank LaLoggia's Lady in White, a wonderful little film with somewhat similar story in a more Stephen King-like setting.

The Demented (2013)

Directed by: Christopher Roosevelt

Writer: Christopher Roosevelt

Last night some of my friends and I were choosing which horror movie to watch. So I'm browsing through my catalogue (I'm using EMDB by the way, wonderful stuff, highly recommended) and I stumble upon this thing. So I start reading the plot outline aloud: "Six college friends..." and I'm immediately interrupted by an unanimous "That's it! We're watching it!"

 

Of course, a movie about six college friends is hardly going to deliver any surprises. These guys (and girls) get together for a weekend, but their amazing fun is interrupted first by a scary-looking and aggressive dog and then by a news of a mysterious attack. It appears to be a biological attack of some sort and people are turned into bloodthirsty homicidal maniacs. Led by a dumb as a doorknob white guy, our group of heroes begins an unlikely fight for survival.

 

The most important mistake made by the author of this movie is that there are no zombies and apparently no contagion. The infected are aiming to kill rather than to infect the survivors, which is really disappointing. We all know that in movies like this the main source of tension is the moment when you're supposed to shoot your dead girlfriend who's attacking you. The Demented has no such moments. Speaking of the infected, one cool thing about them is that they stand completely frozen and only move (i.e. attack) when they're awaken by noise. However, the director completely missed this great opportunity. The attacks are not all that exciting and there are no scenes of women taking off their tops and tying them around their shoes to make less noise. Oh well, I guess I'll have to put that in my screenplay.

 

The beginning of the movie is dedicated to... ahem... some kind of "character" "development". And it's really boring. The aforementioned white guy loves his girlfriend to death, but she feels she's being smothered by his love. Of course, she doesn't tell that to him, but to her best friend. The same guy professes great friendship to some black guy. The host of the party is an irritating moron who cheated on his girlfriend with the girlfriend of that black guy. She finds out about that and gets really pissed off. The girlfriend of our (seemingly) main hero had already told her earlier that she was skeptical about their relationship. And so on. Yet only one of these relations has any consequence on the future proceedings. Talk about wasted time.

 

And their weekend also sucks ass and is actually improved by the appearance of that rabid dog. First they talk about how great it's going to be, the time of their lives, blah blah blah, turns out they spend their time sliding down the grass and shooting one another with water guns. Wow! Massive respect! I must say I support the absence of drugs and heavy drinking, but they could've at least had an orgy or something. All in all, this is not entirely unwatchable, but there are many, many much better low budget movies with similar story.

Evil Dead (2013)

Directed by: Fede Alvarez

Writers: Fede Alvarez, Rodo Sayagues

 

Will you look at that poster? Just look at it. Try to spot the name of the movie. Not easy, huh? Yes, it's down there, written in a rather tiny font compared to ALL THE PRAISE IN CAPITAL LETTERS that takes the whole damn upper half. See, this crap pisses me off. This movie is neither astonishing, nor awesome, nor near perfect. At best, it's bearable. Isn't there some kind of punishment for false advertising?

When it comes to horror remakes, there seems to be a tradition to only retain the original story, while stripping off everything else that gives soul to the movie. For example, the remake of Hideo Nakata's Dark Water didn't contain any of the scary scenes, effectively turning it into some kind of supernatural psychological drama instead of a ghost horror. The movie was still good, but completely different. The remake of Shutter, which happens to be one of the scariest movies ever made, also ripped off all the horror scenes, effectively turning it into a completely unwatchable piece of crap. And here?

First of all, all the characters are idiots. There's a junkie, her brother, a nerdy guy with glasses, a black nurse and some blonde. Their mission is to help the junkie one get off the drugs, by keeping her completely isolated in the wilderness. Can't see how that can go wrong. The junkie's brother has some kind of guilt trip, he wasn't present when his mother was dying, so his junkie sister is pissed off at him. I mean, come on, bitch! Leave this crap to Edward Burns! Screw you and screw your personal problems!

Fortunately, all that is thrown aside when the nerdy guy reads aloud from Necronomicon and summons some evil demon, who promptly takes possession of the junky girl. But here another problem immediately steps in - the junkie girl starts seeing a scary ghost-like being (that happens to be a witch of some kind who was killed in the prologue). She informs the others, but guess what - they don't believe her (!). Would you believe a stupid story like this, coming from someone with abstinence crisis? Of course not. But the problem I'm trying to mention is that these apparitions are completely unnecessary - is this the remake of The Evil Dead or Ringu???

As crap keeps happening, the movie throws at us more and more unnecessary references to some legendary horror films, mostly The Exorcist and the aforementioned Ringu. OK, Fede, we get it! You watched some classic movies! Good for you! Fortunately, while we don't care about characters one bit (the lead guy, the junkie girl's brother, is so insanely irritating that I can't even begin to describe it), the way they hurt themselves and others is more often than not really violent. There are chainsaws, nail guns, limbs chopped off, self-mutilation, all that with buckets of gore and it really looks good. But it would've been even better if the scenes were brighter. I'm not saying the movie is frustratingly dark - we do see quite enough, but when it comes to gore, it's the more the merrier.

The screenplay sucks, with all that drama mumbo-jumbo and the unnecessary witch (or whatever) subplot, but that's partially corrected by Alvarez's competent direction that provides some rather nice images, not only the gory ones, but also the views of the cabin, surrounding forest, etc. However, the movie commits the mortal sin of disrespecting the two key scenes from the original. The legendary rape scene is technically present, but it's turned into something completely different that barely bears (hehe) any relation. And the wonderful scene with cards is completely absent! Who in their right mind would remake The Evil Dead and leave out the most wonderful scene, that in my opinion (and I'm certain I'm not alone in this) is one of the top 10 scenes in any horror movie? And they also left out the "the" in the title.

If this movie had any other name, I would have gladly concentrated on its superiority to the majority of recent horror movies. This way, it's a remake of something that's vastly superior in every possible way, and that has to be taken into account.

When you watch the movie (and I recommend you do that, despite all I've said before), make sure to watch the credits all the way. You'll get a pleasant surprise.



Kairo (2001)

Directed by: Kiyoshi Kurosawa

Writer: Kiyoshi Kurosawa

When there's no more room for ghosts in the next world, the living will start commiting suicides and turning into black spots on walls, at least that's what Kiyoshi Kurosawa tells us in this slow, atmospheric and frustratingly complicated film. The main problem with this movie is that it doesn't go for the cheap jump scares and shameless exploitation of long-haired ghosts (though it does have some of that), but instead tries to make a clever statement about human loneliness and how modern technology is separating us and crap like that. It also has some features of an arthouse film, like when you have absolutely no idea what the hell is happening and why is everyone doing whatever the hell they're doing.

 

The story begins with a suicide of some guy. But, not only did he kill himself, he also turned into a black spot on the wall. At the same time, some other guy stumbles upon a scary website that promises their visitors interaction with the dead (!). At the same time, there's a scary mysterious room that harbours a horrifying secret. Some friends try to investigate what's going on, but they can do little to prevent the bizarre series of suicides that threatens to make the entire world (or at least Japan) look like Pripyat, Ukraine.

 

I found this movie incredibly difficult to follow. I don't know whether the problem was with the subtitles, or the director in most scenes didn't try too hard to establish the location, or I'm just stupid - anyway, I had mostly no idea who these people were and where did this all take place. And it's all so sloooooooooooooow and sloooooooooooooow and it's bearable for the first half an hour because there's an occasional scare here and there (like the first visit to the Forbidden Room, that one was spine-chilling) and you still have hope that things will actually resolve or something. However, from there on, it just seemed to me that Kurosawa was making some kind of style exercise, for himself rather than for the audience and I almost completely lost interest.

The last part of the movie has some nice apocalyptic images and this is the first movie I've seen that combines a J-horror with an actual apocalypse in such a direct way. It's a great idea, but I would've preferred it to be realized in a more conventional story. I'm not saying this movie was bad, of course. It was just a bit too hermetic for my taste, but if you like the films of, say, David Lynch, by all means I recommend you give it a try.

Frankenstein's Army (2013)

Directed by: Richard Raaphorst

Writers: Chris W. Mitchell, Miguel Tejada-Flores, Richard Raaphorst (original idea)

At first I was very skeptical about this movie - at least 95% of found footage films are pure crap. This lasted until the first monster appeared, when I thought "Hey, actually this doesn't look so bad!". After that came a "Wow!" and then another one and another one and this lasted to the very end.

 

The story follows a group of Russian soldiers, who face some really horrifying Nazi monsters in Eastern Germany towards the end of the second world war. The ever decreasing group of (anti)heroes stumbles upon a secret Nazi lab, where they find the explanation for the monsters' existence. Of course, one of the soldiers carries a camera and records everything.

 

As usual, the film gains nothing from being made in found footage style. The atmosphere is not improved one bit, while at the same time it imposes severe limitations on the narrative. Found footage films generally suffer from the "let's film everything even though we're dying left and right" and this one is no exception. The excuses the characters make to keep filming get progressively stupid. At the same time, it appears that monsters never attempt to attack the person holding the camera.

 

I also didn't like the portrayal of the soldiers. The film seems almost decidedly anti-Russian, so there are no sympathetic characters here. Everyone's either a murderer or simply insane or generally doesn't give a damn about anything. The identification with the protagonists is absolutely essential for this type of film, and yet they fail over and over again. Given this fact, some plot twists that follow (related to the identity and secret plans of some of the group members) have minimal to no impact. It's also interesting that none of the group members are played by actual Russians, so you can imagine what their accents sound like.

 

Having said all this, the movie simply wipes out all this weak points with its complete and utter coolness. You simply won't believe what kind of screwed-up creatures you're about to see here. I won't even attempt to describe them, my English is not good enough, though I suspect much better writers than me would have problems with that. The picture on the poster gives you some idea. Then, there's almost no CGI here, everything is done with the good old make-up effects. All those insane monsters, streams of blood flowing around, piled-up dead bodies, dirty old secret labs, mutilations, it's all real (so to speak). With all its drawbacks regarding the story and screenplay, visually this is a stunning work and deserves to be seen on a screen as big as possible. Thumbs up!

Hell Baby (2013)

Directed by: Robert Ben Garant, Thomas Lennon

Writers: Robert Ben Garant, Thomas Lennon

Hell Baby may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I quite liked it. There's something about this absurd Dude, Where's My Car-type of humor that I find appealing. Of course, it's not as funny as, say, There's Something About Mary (or any part of Austin Powers), but it keeps a smile on your face (if you're the right audience) and, while it gets a bit nasty in one or two places, it never crosses the border of vulgar, for which I'm immensely grateful.

 

The story follows Jack and Vanessa, an expectant couple, that move into a house which happens to be haunted. What's worse, it turns out that what Vanessa is carrying is actually the spawn of Satan himself. Enter a whole bunch of silly characters and the fun begins. The plot isn't very important and there are no witty Tarantino-style dialogues or magnificent visual gags - the movie gets its humor solely from the silliness of the characters and their interactions. And it works!

 

For example, we know that the key to comedy is surprise. Not only the surprise of the viewer, but also of the characters in the movie. Rob Corddry, who plays the lead role, absolutely rules in this. I'm not familiar with his other work, but here he simply nailed it. Most of the film's funniness comes from him being surprised or uncomfortable in various bizarre situations, for example when his wife chases away a particularly scary dog by speaking in a demonic voice, or when he finds his wife's sister naked in the shower, or when he gets repeatedly electrocuted by the same lamp, or when an irritatingly friendly neighbor keeps popping up in their house... All of these are scenes that might work or fail miserably, solely depending on the comedic timing of the people in it, and his performance was perfect. The other characters were also interesting and played perfectly, especially the two idiot cops that keep harassing Jack for some reason.

 

The humor, as I mentioned before, is intentionally brute force and may not work for everyone. The writers (who also happen to play the priests) think that lines are "It is our duty to legally enforce that hug", "By the way, you have a very nice penis, Jack" and "Doctor, you can very clearly see the outline of your penis in those shorts" are tremendously funny, and for me they were - exactly because they are so "self-aware" and forced. By the way, I hasten to add, not all jokes in this movie are penis related.

 

So, proceed with caution - if you're a fan of silly comedies like those mentioned in the first paragraph, chances are you will like this one. Otherwise, stay the hell (baby) away.

 

 

 

Doghouse (2009)

Directed by: Jake West

Writer: Dan Schaffer

Danny Dyer, Noel Clarke and the rest of the team go to a remote village to have fun and drink their asses off, only to find the place almost completely deserted. Almost is the key word here, as they'll soon discover that while all the men are dead, the women are still there, albeit transformed into some kind of bloodthirsty zombie-like creatures.

 

Don't have to say much about this one, really. Despite the great cast and a very promising premise, the screenplay is seriously lacking in humor and memorable moments. One would expect a lot more politically incorrect jokes and crazy situations (like in Feast series). As it is, this one plays it rather safe from the beginning to the end, which makes for a pleasant watch (especially with a right group of male friends), but it's hardly awe-inspiring or memorable.