Ninja III: The Domination (1984)

Directed by: Sam Firstenberg

Writer: James R. Silke

 

 

After the great Revenge of the Ninja, it seemed that the producers Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus have found a winning formula for ninja movies. Ninja III: The Domination has the same writer and the same director as the previous movie, Sho Kosugi is here again in one of the leading roles, this time sporting a nice eyepatch over his left eye, and yet this movie is easily the weakest in the series. It's even worse than the first one.

 

The main problem, as it often happens, is a lack of quality action. Sho Kosugi is almost totally wasted here - he doesn't really start kicking ass until about one hour into the movie and only has time for one final fight with some bad guy, which was OK, but certainly nothing special. In the meantime we have some mainly uninspired killings by a girl who's possessed by some evil spirit, which leads us to another problem...

 

... which is that the story is stupid beyond belief! I don't know what kind of weed did Silke consume when he was writing this, but he made some kind of horror-action story that features evil spirits, possessions and even an exorcism! Take that, William Friedkin! Your movie may also have demons and exorcism, but it certainly doesn't have any ninjas! While I'm generally not against this kind of genre mixing, here it simply doesn't work. There's no memorable antagonist and the lame "horror" scenes consume valuable time, which could have been better used for some real ninja action.

 

Actually, the only reason to ever watch this is an amazing opening scene, which is perhaps the best sequence in the entire series. It features an evil ninja (actually another man possessed by the evil spirit or some evil sword or similar crap) killing some people on a golf course and then having an encounter with the police. You don't see such a carnage every day and it will surely fill your heart with joy to see so many dead policemen. This ninja is one mean mother and the way he kills dozens of cops with so little effort is simply amazing. For example, he gets rid of a helicopter pilot by throwing a shuriken at him with his foot (!) and kills some other cop by blowing a dart into the barrel of his gun.

 

Unfortunately, when this wonderful encounter ends, you can just turn off the movie because the best part is over. While this was the end of the Golan-Globus Ninja series with Sho Kosugi, they immediately went on to create another legendary ninja brand, American Ninja. We will talk about that one (and its sequels, of course) some other time.

Community (2012)

Directed by: Jason Ford

Writer: Jason Ford

I don't even remember anymore why I decided to watch this - since there's no plot summary on IMDb, it must have been because of the cool poster. They say "don't judge a book by its cover", well I think that's a load of bollocks. For example, I bought what turned out to be one of my favourite albums of all time without having ever heard of the band, solely based on the brilliant cover art by Roger Dean (the album is Aura by Asia, if anyone cares). While Community doesn't quite reach that status among movies, I'm certainly glad I've seen it.

 

Fortunately, the official site of the production company does offer a brief plot summary, so I'll just paste it from there instead of bothering to explain it myself. Here it goes:

 

"The Draymen Estate has become an urban legend. Amongst the sinister stories of strange locals and brutal violence, people have gone missing there. Two student filmmakers visit the estate in the hope their documentary will land them a lucrative career. Within minutes they are introduced to a skinned dog in a shallow grave. They quickly discover that behind the awkward smiles, the adults appear to be on drugs whilst the children roam wildly, further proof that this estate is a breeding ground for the darker side of society. A society which is about to present the students with material of unimaginable horror, turning their final project into their darkest nightmare."

 

The way the writer/director Jason Ford translated this story to the screen is worthy of an applause. He doesn't hesitate to explicitly show violence when it's needed, but never ventures into the pointless torture porn territory. The atmosphere is great - all the time there's this creepy, unsettling feeling that something lurks in the darkness nearby and this is mainly thanks to the supporting characters, who are so convincing that it's almost disturbing. I don't know where Ford found these people and how many of them are professional actors, but the way they look... boy, that's something you've got to see. In most of the films when you have a bad guy who's supposed to be insane, you'll see him screaming, shouting, swearing or generally overacting to the point when you just want to slap him on the face and say "shut up, bitch!". But these people seem like they don't need to pretend they're insane at all - you can see the insanity on their very faces (this, of course, is not an insult to the actors, but a compliment to them and the director, I hope that much's obvious :-) )! While, in terms of mere distance, the Draymen Estate is just a short bus ride away from the civilized world, it's actually a completely different world - kind of like something from a Clive Barker story, just without monsters.

 

My favourite scene is when this guy stands in front of his house and starts twitching and growling like monster and it makes you think he's about to turn into a werewolf and then similar growling is heard from everywhere! And at the same time, the two main characters are somewhere nearby, with no means of escape. I won't tell you what exactly causes the insanity in adults and children alike, but suffice it to say that the members of the community are very fond of weed and they have a rather original way of fertilizing it.

 

While the first half of the movie is almost a pure perfection, I'm afraid I can't say the same about the rest. It seems as if Jason Ford had revealed all his cards at the beginning and didn't have a clear picture of what to do next. There are some plot "twists" that are downright predictable and the story drags in a few places. Of course, I have to stress out that the movie is never boring and that even the weaker second half is much better than most recent horror movies. So, you'd do yourself a great favour if you ignored the surprisingly low IMDb rating and checked out this cool film. And I'm adding Jason Ford to the list of people whose future projects I'll definitely check out.

Revenge of the Ninja (1983)

Directed by: Sam Firstenberg

Writer: James R. Silke

That's more like it! This "sequel" to Enter the Ninja is a vastly superior movie in every possible way. Better action, better characters, more interesting story, more ninjas (!), more deaths, all in all - much more fun.

 

Of course (we'll see this again in another "sequel", Ninja III), the film opens with some cool ninja action and a massive slaughter, which, unlike the one in the previous movie, happens to be real. Some nasty ninjas invade Sho Kosugi's peaceful home in his absence and kill his entire family. He arrives on the scene with an American sidekick too late to save the dear ones, but just in time to eliminate all of the attackers. The only person that survived the massacre is his newborn son.

 

Disillusioned with the ninja lifestyle that had cost him (almost) his entire family, Kosugi accepts his American sidekick's offer to move to America. Six years later, he's indeed in America, where he runs some kind of ninja gallery. His son is now a small schoolboy, but no less an asskicker than his dad, as we will see. Right at the beginning he easily dispatches a small group (five or six, I think) of annoying American bullies, but he does much more later in the movie.

 

The last person you should trust, if you're a Japanese, is your American sidekick. Sho Kosugi's American sidekick proves this when it turns out that he's actually a vicious heroine smuggler that uses his friend's (Kosugi's, that is) ninja figures to hide the drug. Bastard! Chaos ensues when the American sidekick gets pissed off at a mafia boss who's his potential buyer. He goes on murderous rampage that you have to see to believe it. He sports a black ninja outfit, complete with a scary mask that hides his face, so we technically don't know it's him, except that we do know it's him. But what's more important, he eliminates so many people so easily that it's just insane.

 

Then the town officials get concerned that this insane bastard might eliminate the entire US population, so they enlist the help of Sho Kosugi, because only a ninja can kill a ninja (!). And by the way, that other evil ninja also kidnapped his son in the process. As you might expect, the ultimate battle between the two ninjas (both of them wearing fine black outfits, the only difference being the bad guy's mask) takes place. I won't say it's as epic as, say, Bruce Lee's fight with Karim-Abdul Jabaar in Game of Death, but it's pretty damn close. Sure, they do a bit of that silly hand stuff at the beginning, but when it gets to the actual fight, it's great. This fight is also a bit silly at times, because the evil ninja for some reason teases Sho Kosugi with some special effects. For example, he reaches out of the pool and grabs his leg and when Kosugi cuts off his arm, it turns out it's an artificial arm. Weird.

 

All in all, this is simply a must see, not only for ninja fans, but for any action lover and B-movie fan in general. Almost non stop action, great choreography, charismatic bad guy, Sho Kosugi, even a cute blonde thrown in for a good measure... everything you could possibly want from a movie!



Black Rock (2012)

Directed by: Katie Aselton

Writers: Mark Duplass (screenplay), Katie Aselton (story)

Oh, well, here's one that's not so bad, but you won't really miss much if you skip it. It's all been done before, and it's been done better.

 

The story is as simple as they get - three girls (two of which can't stand each other because one of them screwed the other's boyfriend a few years earlier) go to some deserted island to have some fun (not that kind of fun, you sick bastard!) and perhaps rekindle some childhood memories, I don't really know. Don't blame me, I watched this from my laptop and the sound was crappy and I could hardly understand a word they were saying.

 

Not that it all matters much - what's more important is that three guys unexpectedly appear and you pretty much know what will happen. One of the girls (played by the director herself) gets drunk and starts seducing one of the guys, but when they get to a solitary place in the woods, she changes her mind and the guy is understandably less than happy, so he, as any real man would do, starts to force his way in. Abby (that's the name of the girl) is understandably less than happy about this turn of events, so she, as any real woman would do, hits him in the head with a large rock, causing him to abandon this cruel world rather prematurely (well, that's the word his mother would probably use, on the other hand most people wouldn't feel his death was a terrible blow to society).

 

When his two friends find out about this, they are understandably less than happy, and they, as all real friends would do, go for a revenge (meaning: the killing of all three girls). Our heroines are understandably less than happy about this and a desperate fight for survival ensues.

 

While the movie was generally well directed (I will leave out an obvious sexist joke here), especially when it comes to the treatment of the actual violence, which had an impact, but wasn't overly graphic, there were some problems that marred its potential. First of all, for the most part, the tension is ruined by the bad treatment of the villains. The main one doesn't look terribly smart, but at the same time he's horribly over the top, while his sidekick is too tame. So, the paradox is, even though some rather bad things happen to the girls, we never feel the bad guys are really much of a threat. Katie and her writing partner Mark Duplass should have drawn much more influence from classics like The Hills Have Eyes and Deliverance.

 

The screenplay has its ups and downs, but to explain it in detail would mean to spoil most of the movie. Generally, I think the whole cheating story should have been left out (after all, the viewers don't need to know the real reasons of the animosity between the girls) and some dialogs could have been improved. There are also some really stupid decisions by the characters, the most problematic of which is the attempt to reach a boat by swimming through the cold water. But, on the other hand, I'm thankful for this, since it leads to a totally unexpected scene, which we will call the freezing scene. This is my favourite part of the movie, for all the wrong reasons, hehehee. Anyway, I would also prefer a higher body count, but that's just nitpicking really.

 

Overall, a solid fight-for-survival (TM) story, not exactly The Hills Have Eyes, but certainly worth a look. Especially the freezing scene :-)

Enter the Ninja (1981)

Directed by: Menahem Golan

Writers: Dick Desmond (screen story and screenplay), Mike Stone (story)

We're gonna take a short break from all those horror movies and go into something completely different - a ninja movie! Having ninjas in movies warms my heart and fills it with joy. I know nothing about martial arts, but I sure like ninjas! Having said that, this movie was rather crappy :-(

 

Franco Nero plays some American guy who at the beginning kicks some serious ninja ass and kills many people, only it turns out that they're actually not dead because it was all part of his ninja training. Why would they bother with all those special effects, I have no idea. For example, his final step was to cut off the head of some old dude (apparently his teacher or something), but it turns out he didn't really do it, it was just a doll. Anyway, he becomes a ninja (sporting a cool white ninja outfit) and everyone's happy except Sho Kosugi, playing a mean spirited black ninja who, as I have understood, hates the fact that some whitey has become a ninja.

 

After finishing his training in Japan, Franco Nero travels to Philippines to visit some old friend and his wife. They own some kind of property, complete with fruit, workers and stuff, but they have problems with a rich bastard played by Christopher George, who wants to buy the land from them by force because there's oil there. Nero steps in, kills an insane amount of people and goes for Christopher George and his goofy henchmen.

 

There are two main problems with this movie: First, it can't decide whether it wants to be a comedy or straight action film. Nero is dead serious in the lead role (and he looks like Oliver Reed, too!), while Christopher George's villain is some kind of buffoon who you simply can't take seriously, which takes a lot of the impact of the action. Speaking of action, that's the second problem - there are some good fights, but there's simply not enough ninja action! Franco Nero kick ass left and right, it's true, but he rarely wears his supercool white costume. Sho Kosugi is good, but he doesn't have enough screen time. The inevitable fight between the two of them at the end is too short. So, the best part of the movie happens to be the opening credits, where some guy dressed in black (Kosugi himself, I presume) does some ninja stuff over some nice percussive music.

 

This is the first part of a "trilogy" of ninja films which have nothing in common except that all of them are produced by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus and have Sho Kosugi (but each time in a different role). I have already seen the "sequel", Revenge of the Ninja, and I can tell you already that it's much, much better than this one. It will be reviewed in a few days.

The Sleeper (2012)

Directed by: Justin Russell

 

Writer: Justin Russell

 

 

 

 

Well, for a change here's a new slasher film that doesn't suck! This achievement is made even more spectacular by the mere fact that this is a direct rip-off of Black Christmas, the legendary movie that (almost) started it all (and it also happens to be one of my favourite movies). When you mess with a legend, you can easily get burned. Ask Glen Morgan for example - his official Black Christmas remake was stupid unwatchable crap. So, what did Justin Russell (the writer, director and pretty much everything else here) do to avoid the pitfalls that are usually the death of most of his colleagues?

The most important thing is that he tried his best to make this look like a real damn movie and not like some crappy home video. Most of the scenes are carefully set and there are some really nice establishing shots. The movie actually takes place in 1981 and I can only congratulate the director on the bravery of attempting to recreate the era in such a low budget movie. While he doesn't succeed completely (certainly not as Ti West did with The House of the Devil), you still get a refreshing feeling of something different - the clothes, the music, the interiors, etc. - it's all done very nicely, the only small problem is, as one IMDb reviewer has nicely observed, that the photography is a bit too polished for the time. But that's just a minor objection. One great consequence of this setting if that finally we get a break from listening to teenagers bitching about their cell phones not having a signal.

As I said, the movie heavily borrows from Bob Clark's Black Christmas without an ounce of shame. There's a sorority, there's a lot of girls, some boys, mysterious killer, scary telephone calls and everything else. There are many people here (some would say - too many), which is great for at least two reasons: 1) They don't have enough screen time to "develop" and become irritating, and 2) It's more victims for the killer! Seriously though, except for the two guys, pretty much no one was getting on my nerves too much.

The weak link here are the murder scenes. Russell has obviously studied the classic slashers well, which is evident by his building of the tension through the camera positions, the murderer POV, etc., but the murders themselves are either badly directed and edited, or they are ruined by bad special effects. For example, the first murder features a surprisingly explicit head violence scene - the killer raises a hammer above a completely unaware Jessica Cameron and where most other directors would make a cut and show a wall behind being sprayed with blood, Russell bravely decides to explicitly show how the hammer hits, and ultimately breaks, the poor victim's head. The problem is that the head model is horribly unconvincing which takes a lot from the effect of the scene. The same goes for the beheading scene later in the movie, where the severed head is shown, but again the model looks very bad. Nobody expected Tom Savini, but I'm sure there are people who could have done a better job with the same amount of money. And while I can only congratulate the director on showing almost all of the murders explicitly, the way those scenes are cut, the way the victims and the killer move, it's simply not convincing enough.

As I said above, due to the large number of characters, the body count is significantly higher than in most similar movies and killer is really entertaining with his prank calls and crying into the phone (?!) and similar weird things. Strangely, the killer's face is shown from the very beginning, yet we never learn who the hell he is. I actually like this, it adds a strange feeling of mystery.

The ending deliberately features every single horror cliché we have seen before: the victim runs, the killer walks; the killer is killed, but he isn't dead; the killer (previously extremely efficient) suddenly turns into a complete moron when faced with The Final Girl et cetera - all those things we loved in the old movies. There's also a completely gratuitous dance scene, the weirdest one since Calvaire, yet somehow strangely cool due to the great disco music.

All in all, I am very satisfied with this movie and I'll pay attention to Russell's further efforts. I'm already looking forward to seeing his Dead Stop Holocaust. He just has to pay some more attention to his murder scenes and he's good to go.

Blue Monkey (1987)

Directed by: William Fruet

Writer: George Goldsmith

This is why I love the eighties, the best decade in the history of humankind! Not because this movie is any kind of unforgettable masterpiece - it's far from it. In fact, for the standards of that wonderful decade, it's a completely average monster flick that you watch today and forget tomorrow. The catch is - that completely average 80's monster movie would easily blow to pieces 98% of today's genre offering with one hand tied behind its back.

 

Contrary to what you might expect from the title, there are no monkeys of any kind here, much less blue ones, though it would certainly be cool to see a blue monkey wreaking havoc and killing people. But let's not underestimate the villain here - while not being monkey (not to mention the lack of blueness), the giant insect does its best to bring as much pain and sorrow as possible.

 

The story takes place in a hospital, where a patient is admitted after somehow being hurt by a plant (!) Soon more and more people are coming and it seems a giant epidemic is about to take place. Things get worse when a huge parasite gets out of the man's mouth, runs away and gets in contact with some growth hormones. It transforms into a giant ant-like creature and the fun begins.

 

The screenplay is a bit confusing at first, with its somewhat unusual combination of the epidemic and the giant monster storyline, but we don't care about the story anyway. We want to see hideous monster violence, and we do get it! A first few killings are shot in that slightly irritating monster POV style that's mostly used for the budget reasons rather than the artistic ones, but at the later stage of the movie we see the monster in full glory (ah, those wonderful pre-CGI days!) together with some cool beheadings and other kinds of killing. The characters are the usual suspects - a concerned cop, a brave female doctor, a goofy scientist guy who's fascinated with the monster, a small kid, etc. Those clichés are certainly not irritating in any way - it's just how things go. Remember, what we don't have are retarded jocks, irritating stoners, blonde sluts, stupid idiots that make dirty "jokes" all the time etc.

 

As I said, the monster looks rather good and the rest of the technicalities is also completely fine. The music is of that stringy type that's usually used to build the atmosphere in the disease movies and it does a pretty good job here, too. The direction also does the job - you won't run away screaming to another room, but there's a good rhythm that keeps you entertained and when violence comes, it's mostly shown in full glory.

 

To tell the true, I've never heard of this movie before I found it on a friend's HD a few years ago. It's not unusual that it didn't make any kind of impact - in the eighties monster movies were on fire, we had Tremors, we had Slugs, various kinds of killing alligators, insects, sharks, octopuses, ants... Imagine an animal - there was a movie with that animal. Today of all animals we have sharks and an occasional crocodile, that's it. All other horror movies are either about zombies or ghosts or just some found footage crap that's not actually about anything. Watching older movies is like having a glass of nice cold water on a hot day. And it's not just about horror - I'm preparing to watch a truckload of ninja movies these days! Yyyyyyyyyyeaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

War Wolves (2009)

Directed by: Michael Worth

 

Writer: Michael Worth

 

 

 

 

 

The best short description of this movie would probably be - an action horror psychological drama about werewolves without werewolves. If you're a fan of werewolves (and who the heck isn't?) it's best to accept straight away that the creatures you're about to see are a completely different thing, it will reduce your suffering significantly. True, you could reduce it even further by watching something else, but what fun is life without pain?

 

The beginning of the movie, which of course sets the tone for everything that follows, is stunningly confusing and is a prime example of how not to direct anything. Some people (soldiers) are playing football (or, rather, that weird game similar to rugby that Americans like to call football even though it's mostly played by hands) somewhere. No idea who they are and where they are. Before we get a chance to even begin to get to know them, they are suddenly on a battlefield somewhere (no idea where) and are having their asses kicked by some bloodthirsty creatures. Of course, we don't see any violence or anything else even remotely interesting. Before we even get a chance to begin to understand what's going on, we are thrown a few months (or years?) forward. It appears that those soldiers are actually not dead, but have been bitten by the not-werewolf creatures and most of them are now turned into not-werewolves themselves. The only one who's still fighting the disease is, conveniently, Michael Worth, the writer/director of this mess. Some hot not-werewolf chicks (one of them his (former?) girlfriend) are coming to get him and make him join the dark side.

 

But that's not all! There's some hope for human kind after all - the pair of mean not-werewolf ass kickers Tim Thomerson and John Saxon are also in the vicinity and they also seek Michael Worth. What follows is an epic battle between good and ev... oh, sorry, I mixed it up with Lord of the Rings for some reason. What follows is a series of completely irrelevant and uninteresting events which leads, I think, to good guys winning or something. In the process, we get to see one of the most idiotic seduction scenes in history. I was going to post it here, but I can't find it on YouTube, so I guess you'll have to watch the movie after all. Tough luck.

 

The worst thing here (I'm assuming we are prepared for horrible script, weak direction, bad acting, etc.) is the way the monsters look. If you've ever seen a decent werewolf movie, you know that when someone's turning into one of them his teeth and nails grow, his ears get pointy, the nose starts to change etc. That there's the hair growth and then a complete change. But the creatures here never progress beyond this initial point. It's just big teeth and nails (and ears). I mean come on! If they had the money to create real werewolves, the movie would have been... well, it still would have been horrible, but at least it would have had werewolves! Give this one a miss.

Megalodon (2002)

Directed by: Pat Corbitt, Gary J. Tunnicliffe

Writers: Gary J. Tunnicliffe, Stanley Isaacs

Wow! I think this has to be one of the best megalodon movies made in 2002, topped only by Shark Attack 3! So, what is it that makes it so good? Well, nothing, actually. In fact, it's rather horrible :-(

The story somewhat deviates from the usual "Oh, no, the sea is infested with sharks, but we have a Very Important Competition That Will Bring Us A Lot Of Money to hold, so do we close the beach and lose money or pretend that nothing's happening and risk everyone's lives until some hero appears and saves everyone's asses?" cliché established in Spielberg's Jaws and repeated to death ever since. Here we have a rather claustrophobic setting of a huge sci-fi looking (but only from the outside) drilling platform deep in the ocean. That platform is situated in some kind of geologically sensitive area, which is of course the recipe for disaster. It doesn't take long for things to go wrong - some underground cave or something is unblocked, releasing a huge megalodon - sixty feet of prehistoric terror!!!1 Are you on the edge of your seat already?

 

If I saw such a huge prehistoric shark, I imagine I would be rather scared. Fortunately, the directors of this movie wisely decide to never let us truly experience that hugeness - the fake CGI shark is mostly shot completely alone in the water, without any solid objects in the background to allow for the comparison. That way, we are able to survive watching this film without dying of fear. Boredom, on the other hand, was a bit harder to repel...

 

Somehow, this movie is missing everything that makes for an enjoying shark experience. The setting itself effectively rules out beaches and topless beauties lying in the sun. The fact that the antagonist is a prehistoric shark that's supposed to be dead for millions of years (or something like that) makes impossible the traditional use of stock footage of real sharks. And the lack of money makes the existing CGI shark horribly unimpressive. Add to that the lack of horrifying death scenes and you have a movie that's best to avoid, unless you are a true megalodon fan. But even in that case, you're better off watching Shark Attack 3. The only good thing in the whole movie is the final scene - our heroine is on her boat and below her suddenly flows a huge terrifying shadow of sixty feet of prehistoric terror!!!1 This is a very nice short scene that slightly improves the bad taste left in your brain after watching (or preferably sleeping through) the rest of the movie.

Blood Scarab (2008)

 

Directed by: Donald F. Glut

Writer: Donald F. Glut

When I chose to watch this movie last night, I was expecting it to be a rather generic softcore flick. I usually hate those movies because they all somehow manage to make sex and nudity boring (I won't go into details now, perhaps some other time), but this one promised the possibility of being different. After all, it features vampires and the main role is played by Monique Parent. Quite enough for me.

 

It turns out that this is not an erotic film at all. Or, to be more precise, it's not a softcore movie as we know it but rather some kind of horror comedy with lots and lots of nudity (but no sex). The story follows the famous bloodthirsty countess Elizabeth Bathory, here married to a surprisingly incompetent Count Dracula who looks suspiciously like Billy Burke. Dracula bites the dust straight away, thanks to Renfield and some naked girls whom he had been spying on. Elizabeth is pissed off that, as a vampire, she's unable to walk during the daytime, so she forces the housekeeper and driver Renfield to find a way to correct that small defect. When you see how Renfield looks in this movie, you wouldn't trust him to be able to pour a glass of water for himself, but he's actually surprisingly efficient in his quest, which soon brings us the unusual combination of vampires and ancient Egypt, bloodsuckers, mummies, goddesses, curses and various other stuff. Not bad.

 

The most frustrating thing about this movie is the lack of sex scenes and it's something which you should be aware of in advance. It's not that everyone got frigid all of a sudden - on the contrary, there are plenty of scenes when some girls are willing to show some affection to one another, but just as they start getting to the point, the scene ends. What the hell is wrong with this director, I have no idea. Fortunately it's not all bad. The movie is perfectly aware of its limitations and never tries to be serious. The humor is not something out of a Coen brothers picture, but it will give you a smile here and there (for example, the very first time you see Dracula's moustache) and the story is not too boring.

 

The best thing of course is that all the actresses (except for Brinke Stevens, who appears in a cameo role) spend most of the time topless and Monique Parent is still sexy enough to melt a rock. She has a full frontal scene near the beginning when she takes a bath, but the real cake comes near the end, when she finally gains the ability to walk in the sunlight, and makes the best of it by enjoying a topless stroll around. This is something that can't be described in words, so you better get the movie and see for yourself, and I end this short review by again admiring this wonderful actress who'll probably still be hot when she's seventy or something.

The Helpers (2012)

Directed by: Christopher B. Stokes

Writer: Christopher B. Stokes

Some young people are traveling from some place to some other place for whatever reason and they have a car accident in the middle of nowhere. They walk to a roadside motel nearby and it happens to be full of wonderful people who promptly arrange for the car to be fixed and in the meantime offer our friends tons of free drinks, food and shelter for the night, which none of them finds the least bit suspicious, of course. But here's the twist - in the morning some of our friends find themselves dead, while others are tied up and watched via surveillance cameras by some "mysterious" figure. Hey, what kind of a hospitality is that? What kind of people are they? What the heck are they doing? Well, they first help you and then they kill you because they are... The Helpers!

 

I hope you are back in your chair after no doubt having fallen to the floor in shock and amazement by such a daring and original concept. But fear not - you'll soon find yourself on familiar territory when it turns out that everything in this movie has been done thousands of times before. Fortunately, Chris Stokes and his partners in crime bring at least some amount of originality by sheer ineptitude with which they abuse the whole concept.

 

I won't go into too much detail, because this movie is simply not worth it, and besides, you already know what to expect - irritating generic characters played by horrible actors, antagonists that are only slightly less irritating than the victims, dumb plot "twists" (if it makes sense to talk about them in a movie that has no plot), no imagination in killings (for example, they rip off a famous scene from The Hitcher not only once, but twice!), stupid screaming blonde bitches, completely pointless video surveillance scenes, jerk with a camera, et cetera. What stands out is the overall stupidity of all characters, which pushes the boundaries even for this type of film.

 

For example, I've already mentioned the victims' lack of suspicion about the downright weird behavior of their hosts at the beginning. When they have a car accident at the beginning, they simply don't walk twenty meters back to investigate what could have caused it. At a late stage of the movie, a "savior" conveniently appears and some of the survivors readily trust him, even though they had previously seen him with the killers (!). Examples like this are too numerous to mention. Add to that the obscenely absurd and ridiculous backstory (explained thankfully at the ending, when most of the viewers are already sleeping) and you have one heck of a failure. Just don't think that it's so bad that it's good. No, it's so bad that it's bad.

The ABCs of Death (2012)

Directed by: See the review

Writers: See above

You've all watched numerous films that consist of three (sometimes four) stories, but sure as heck you haven't seen twenty six different stories in one movie before! Apparently, some producer, whose name I forgot, came up with a brilliant idea to make some kind of horror alphabet - for each letter of the alphabet one short story whose title is a single word beginning with that letter. Each story was done by a different director - they were given only the letter and the title and of course the story were entirely up to them.

 

Good thing about this concept is that stories follow one another so rapidly that the movie hardly ever gets boring. The bad thing - well, it's not the fault of the concept, but the fact is that today it's hard to find twenty six (or even six) good horror directors to fill the space. Of course, it's impossible to please everyone - I could bitch about the absence of Alexandre Aja, David Bruckner, Marcus Dunstan, Darren Lynn Bousman, Hideo Nakata etc., but on the other hand I have to be pleased with the presence of Yoshihiro Nishimura and Ti West (even though he failed miserably). Even if some of them were present, there's no guarantee that they wouldn't have failed miserably like Ti West.

 

OK, anyway, on to the movie itself. I won't even try to describe each story separately (I've forgotten most of them, anyway), so just a few general remarks: The quality in general is below average and the lack of good ideas is horrifying. There are no vampires, werewolves, Japanese long haired scary ghosts (even though at least four or five directors are Japanese), or even ghosts of any kind, no decent (post)apocalyptic story (even though the first one is titled A is for Apocalypse) etc. What have we instead? Two stories are actually meta-movies about their directors' lack of inspiration, at least three of them heavily feature toilets, one is about farting (directed, not surprisingly, by Noboru Iguchi), one contains masturbation competition (this one is actually well done, but it's sick beyond words), one about (and titled) orgasm, many other aren't even horror and... you get the idea. If "toilet humor" is an appropriate term to describe most of today's comedies, then "toilet horror" is sure fighting for its place in our favorite genre.

 

The style and quality vary considerably, there are "normal" stories, some of them are animated, one contains stop motion animation, some (like O is for Orgasm) are so heavily stylized that it's hard to tell what the hell's going on, some feature traditional Japanese bloodbath insanity, but it's all at best watchable and hardly anything will make you go "Wow!", except...

 

... for better or worse, there is a story called D is for Dogfight, directed by Marcel Sarmiento (previously known for Deadgirl, which was an OK movie with an interesting idea, but not terribly spectacular), which is so above everything else story-wise and execution-wise that it's simply unbelievable. It's like putting Akira Kurosawa next to Kevin Smith. The story is about some guy, obviously a prisoner of some kind, who is forced to fight with a particularly vicious dog. Some nasty people are watching, placing bets, etc. So, the fight starts, the dog is biting the man, the man is hitting the dog, you know, standard stuff, and then... something clicks between the two of them and we have what's pretty damn close to a best ending ever. I was literally overwhelmed with joy and wanted to kiss Sarmiento (in a totally non-gay way, of course) on the forehead. Story aside, you simply won't believe how well this was made. Shot almost entirely in slow motion, it features probably the most realistic man-animal fight scenes ever, with close-ups of dogs teeth biting the man's flesh, but also of the dog's head being hit by the man, all of which will probably make you extremely uncomfortable for all the right reasons. Moreover, without a single spoken word, the story will make you feel sympathy for both the man and the dog, which makes the ending even more brilliant.

 

So, what's the problem? Well, the stories go in alphabetic order, so this one is the fourth from the beginning. That means that after something that's probably one of the best short movies ever made, something so seriously and professionally devised and executed, after that glimpse of brilliance you have to sit through twenty two mostly lame half-assed uninspired attempts. It would have been better if Sarmiento hadn't been there to remind us what the true greatness looks like.

The Lords of Salem (2012)

Directed by: Rob Zombie

Writer: Rob Zombie

 

In this new movie, Rob Zombie (temporarily?) abandons his favorite subject (serial killers) and goes boldly into the uncharted (for him, at least) territory of supernatural horror. Just a few quick introductory words before we get into this movie: First of all, I don't consider Zombie a second coming in the horror genre or something. House of 1000 Corpses was a guilty pleasure, The Devil's Rejects was almost great until that stupid crappy ending ruined everything and Halloween was a piece of crap. I haven't even bothered to watch the sequel. However, one has to admit that he's not a completely talentless filmmaker and his films generally look good - it's quite refreshing when you see something that reminds you of a B-movie from the eighties, instead of some repulsive garbage made by a couple of teenagers with a $500 camcorder. In short - with all his flaws, Zombie is one of the people that stand out in today's less than impressive genre output.

 

Now, as I said, The Lords of Salem is Zombie's attempt to do something slightly different than usual. Instead of serial killers, we have Satanism, witches (real ones, unfortunately without brooms and pointy hats), disturbing visions, disturbing "music" causing disturbing events, black magic, et cetera. The plot couldn't be simpler - Heidi (played by Zombie's wife and his regular cast member Sheri Moon) is a radio DJ at a station is Salem (as we know from our history lesson, it's where all those witches were burned). She has some stupid show which she runs with two uninteresting friends and they interview people and stuff and everything's good until one day they receive a mysterious record by an unknown group called Lords of Salem (you might remember them from the title). They play it in the show and it's just some simple (but extremely disturbing) theme repeating over and over again. I can't exactly name the style since it's not the music I listen, could be industrial or something. From the moment the record is played in the show, Heidi starts having disturbing visions and it turns out that the record is somehow related to a centuries old curse that some of the witches put on some witch hunter who burned them for being witches.

 

This is not half bad a story, but Zombie is not very interested in plot development - his primary goal here is to abuse the opportunity to create, through Heidi's visions, some quite memorable moments of genuine wtfness which may not make much sense, but hey! - they're quit memorable. The Lords of Salem is completely and totally style-over-substance (or even style-without-substance), which can be seen as a (temporary?) return to the House of 1000 Corpses days, but Lords are much more extreme in this regard. I won't even try to describe the many visions that constitute the core of the movie - suffice it to say that Zombie freely draws influence from people like Ken Russell, David Lynch, Roman Polanski, maybe even Takashi Miike and some other even more extreme maniacs like Noboru Iguchi and Yoshihiro Nishimura. If you like those filmmakers, you'll probably enjoy this insanity fest, if you can survive the slow beginning. The Lords of Salem is more of an extremely extended death metal music video than a movie, but I'm definitely not complaining. If you want movies to make sense, watch some family drama or something.

 

As usual, writing is Zombie's weaker point and the few scenes where the plot does "develop" are cheesy and unconvincing, but fortunately those are always quickly substituted with some hideous monster or someone getting their throat slit and everything's right again. Another very important thing - Sheri Moon gets naked! Finally! If you're still not convinced that this is Zombie's best work to date, you're hopeless.

Infected (2013)

Directed by: Glenn Ciano

Writers: Glenn Ciano, Robert Rotondo, Jr.

Obviously, with a title such as this one, there can be little doubt about what's going to be "happening" in the movie - i.e. yet another story about zombies that aren't actually zombies, because they're not dead, they're just... infected (insert some scary music). But does that make them any less dangerous? Hell, no! In fact, thanks to not being zombies, they can move fast, and they can also talk a bit, providing them with an occasional opportunity to fool someone and eat them.

 

Glenn Ciano (the guy who directed Incubus with Robert Englund, which I haven't seen, and after seeing this one I'll be sure to keep not seeing it for as long as possible) came up with a story about... hold on a second, did I say story? I apologize, there's none here. Just some people being killed and then the movie ends. But what serves as a great testimony to Glenn Ciano's writing and directing skills is the fact that the movie, despite being virtually plotless, manages to be more confusing than Primer and Southland Tales combined. There are some people there. Who are they? We have absolutely no idea. What do they do? Some of them seem to know each other. What is their relation? What are those other people? How do they know the main characters? Why did they come there? No clue. Where the hell is that place anyway? Sorry, no answer.

 

The ever decreasing collection of "normal" people is led by Michael Madsen and William Forsythe. I had absolutely no idea their careers have sunk so low. I could have perhaps expected Lance Henriksen, but those two? Hardly. Anyway, Madsen's voice over opens the movie by solemnly declaring that "the world has changed", to which I thought "Bitch, please, if you now tell me that you can feel it in the water, I'm gonna track you down and kill you!". Then they show us some cabin in the woods where Madsen and some other people are horribly upset about some creatures trying to break in and eat them. We then go back twelve months to find out what had happened earlier and discover that nothing actually happened.

 

Another hilarious feature here is the passage of time - everything seems to take place in a very short time span, like two or three days. But then you suddenly find yourself watching that scene from the very beginning and realize that actually a whole year has passed (and I'm not even sure Michael Madsen ever changed his shirt during that time). Time flies when you're having fun, right?

 

Is there a saving grace here, perhaps? Probably no. There's no nudity by any of the major female characters, some of the killings are watchable I guess, but that's hardly a consolation when absolutely nothing works in the movie. There's just one absolutely hilarious scene - Michael Madsen's pregnant wife locates a little girl whose father is turning into one of those things. She takes her away to protect her, but the father wants her back and starts a really tear jerking monologue of the "I am perfectly OK, please bring me back my daughter!" sort. The catch is - every once in a while he stops, looks to the side and lets out such a hideous monstrous growl that has to be heard to be believed. And after that, he continues with his talk pretending that nothing happened. The (probably unintentional) hilarity of this scene is far beyond the rest of the movie.

La morte vivante (1982)

Directed by: Jean Rollin

Writers: Jacques Ralf, Jean Rollin

I can't think of many film directors that go about ruining great ideas with such enthusiasm as Jean Rollin. His films always feature interesting scenery (you know, country, nature, old castles, that sort of crap), vampires, zombies, some kind of implicit or explicit lesbian romance, gruesome killings etc... and all of them are mind numbingly boring. Honestly, I don't remember ever watching one of his movies without wishing to be somewhere far away, like Siberia or something.

 

Takes this one for example - there's this castle somewhere in France (I guess) and it contains this crypt where some people are buried. But lo! - some thieves accidentally spill some toxic waste in there and all of a sudden this young girl comes to life (you know, she was kinda dead before that, hence the title of the movie). There's also this dead old woman who for some reason doesn't come to life, despite being treated with the same toxic waste. So what does our newly alive friend do? Well, naturally, as in all Jean Rollin films, she has to drink blood to survive (even though she's actually dead - notice the paradox?).

 

But there's a "twist" - long time ago, this living dead girl was involved with some other girl, they were great friends, blah blah blah, actually I think Rollin implies that they were lovers, but of course we don't see any hot makeout session to convince us. Anyway, the zombie (vampire?) girl telephones her "friend", and she immediately comes to the castle and starts picking up unsuspecting victims to feed her friend/lover. This leads to some hilariously cheesy killings, but in between them Rollin insists on torturing us with some zombie lesbian introspective drama crap which I'm sure nobody gives a crap about because there are simply no steamy lesbian scenes to keep us interested. "Oh, I'm alive!". "Oh, I'm dead!". "Oh, life is so cruel!". "Oh, death is so cruel!". I mean, as Guns 'n' Roses would say - back off, bitch! We don't care!

 

As this semi-lesbian "drama" never develops into anything substantial, our only source of entertainment are the horribly directed murder scenes. Lots of people die and near the end of the movie I think some of the main characters (an irritating photographer and her even more irritating jerk of a boyfriend) also die and I think that the living dead girl decided that she's dead after all, but don't hold me on that, I don't remember the ending too clearly. I've already forgotten many things that happened here, and if I'm lucky, I think I might be able to completely erase this movie from my memory by the end of the year. You can do your part by not watching it in the first place. If I ever find a Jean Rollin movie that's not completely worthless, you'll be the first to know.